


Ohne Dich

by Em_i_a



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Depression, F/M, Injury Recovery, Older Man/Younger Woman, mental recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-01-21 16:38:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12461709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Em_i_a/pseuds/Em_i_a
Summary: After a summer gone wrong, and a couple of months of recovery, Amora is sent to live with Oliver, her half-brother, and his friends in their studio located in Berlin. The quiet introvert garners more attention than needed, causing her stay to be more than she asked for.





	1. Tunnels

 "Amora?" A light knock on the door grabbed my attention. I continued to stare out the window, my one eye seeing clearly, as I heard Lauri, my nurse, step into the room. I had all my bags packed, ready to leave the rehabilitation center that my mom and stepfather decided to put me in. 

 "Your brother is here honey." _Half brother, not brother._ I gave her a small nod, taking my auburn hair out from the tight bun that I had it in, letting it fall over my face, covering my right cheek that bared the large scar that had healed over the course of the time I was at this center. I glanced over at her, a small smile plastered on the bright pink lipstick that she sported. The smile wasn't that of a friendly one, it was more of a forced, nurse type of smile, something that only people who feel bad for you do. Her long brown hair was down today,  _guess it was a special event for her, since she rarely did this._ She walked over to the foot of my bed, grabbing the two luggage bags, my eyes following her as she brought them to the door. 

 "Your brother seems nice. Are you excited to go to Spain with him?"  _Once again, half brother. As in we have the same father, not the same mother. You should know this from my files Lauri, you've only been taking care of me for three and a half months._ I gave her a shrug.  _In all honesty, I was indifferent. Oliver and I were quite similar, we weren't talkative, we were both introverted, and we shared a similar music taste. We bonded on these things during Christmas dinners, and the rare family get together. My mom wanted me to "get to know my other family" on these occasions, but Oliver and I would just run off halfway through. He had sympathy for me, since I was a little kid back then. The last time I saw him though was when I was thirteen, at that point he had been working on Sehnsucht, putting some finishing touches before releasing the album. Then all of the sudden, he disappeared without a word. My mom would update me once in a while, saying that he was busy, or that his band was touring and wouldn't be back by Christmas. It's now been six years, and I have not caught a glimpse of him since that day in 1997._ Lauri interrupted my reminiscing.

"You want me to get Rolland so he can bring your bags down for you?" I shook my head, slowly raising from the bed, hoping that I wouldn't have a dizzy spout. Lauri scanned over my body, her eyebrows raising. A small confused look appeared on my face. Her eyes shot up to me, noticing the expression.

 "Amora it's freezing outside. You're not going out there with shorts." She informed with her high pitched voice that sometimes caused my ears to hurt. I rolled my eyes, slowly walking over to the luggage bag, unzipping it as she observed me, keeping a close eye on how well I was balancing. I took out a pair of black jeans, handing them to her before I slowly untied my shorts, and pushed them off my legs. She unfolded the pair of jeans, leaning down for me to put my hands on her shoulders as she aided me in pulling them on. _She had grown accustomed to helping me like this, especially after the countless surgeries I had._ She buttoned them up for me, knowing that I didn't have enough control of my hands to do so myself. She let out a small sigh, standing up straight, her eyes locking with mine. All of the sudden she gave me a hug, her body pressing up against mine. Instantly I tensed up, waiting for her to let go. 

 "I'll actually miss you." She muttered, _how thoughtful._ I gave her a small, awkward pat on her back before she pulled away. Her gaze averting to the ground, as she picked up one of the luggage bags, and walked away, knowing that I wouldn't say anything back to her. I grabbed the other bag, following her out the door into the hallway. _I was finally going to be free from this hell hole. I was finally going to get some fresh air, and be physically free._ My hips ached with every step I took, hearing a light clicking from the artificial joint they had put in there to replace the broken one. I didn't say anything though, knowing that if I said something to Lauri she would probably rat me out, then I would have to stay until I'm completely healed, with no pain or clicking, _and I didn't want that._ We arrived at the front doors, where the exit was. The large glass entrance doors gave me an amazing view of the snowy outdoors, seeing a large black SUV parked right at the end of the walk way. 

 "That's him." Lauri pointed to the car, a small smile on her face. I glanced over at her giving an understanding nod, grabbing the luggage bag out of her hand, giving a small wave, and a little smile, hoping that she would understand that I will miss her as well. I exited through the sliding doors, the cold air hitting my face immediately, the right side of my cheek stung with each little snowflake that melted on it. My right eye burning from the instant brightness. I blinked a few times, a tear escaping from the corner of my eye, _my right eye was very sensitive to the light, I developed it after the accident, hence the reason I can't see out of it as well, but that story is for another time._ I continued to limp down the pathway towards the SUV, until I heard the door slam, my eye shooting up to a tall looming figure, _Oliver._ He wore a wool hat, a leather jacket, and some fairly tight jeans, that shockingly fit him, _since he was so tall._ Once he got a little closer I noticed that he had grown out a goatee, and was holding out his hands offering to carry my bags. I just shook my head, indicating I didn't need any help and walked by him, stopping at the trunk of the car. I placed the luggage down on the snow filled ground, opening up the back of the car, struggling to lift it up. 

 "Here I go-." Oliver stopped midway through his sentence, seeing the serious gaze that I shot at him. I finally got it off the ground, putting it in the back of the car, grabbing the other one, struggling the exact same as before, but successfully put it in with the other bag. Oliver closed the trunk, knowing that I wouldn't be able to reach it because of my fairly short stature, _being 4'11, and yes I do have to break my neck to look up at really tall people, **Oliver being one of those tall people.**_ I avoided eye contact with him, walking to the passenger side of the car, stepping in quickly, buckling in the seat belt tightening it as much as it possibly could. Oliver got in.

 "Your mom gave me your Ipod and earbuds, if you wan-." I quickly nodded. He chuckled lightly, handing it to me. Instantly, right when my hand made contact with it I turned it on, plugging in the white earbuds that it came with when I first got it. The bright screen greeted me, sporting a fairly large crack in it, _one of the things that barely survived the accident._ I put the earbuds into my ears, leaning my head against the window as the car began to move. I scrolled down my playlists, my finger stopping at Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins. I quickly pressed the second song, the violins of 'Tonight, Tonight' ringing through my ears, letting it engulf me in the song.

 The traveling time to the airport didn't take too long, probably twenty minutes or so with traffic and everything. It was only going to take about two hours to fly to Spain, and since I had my Ipod now I really didn't mind going on this little excursion. Oliver didn't try to speak to me, _I guess he got the down low from my mom that I don't really talk anymore._ The flight was in complete silence, with the occasional glance that Oliver and I shared, knowing that he was staring at my scar. I was pretty much used to people looking at it, but in reality I didn't enjoy being stared at like that. I could see that he had pity for me, and that was something that I _really_ didn't like. Apart from those little sour moments, the flight was quite peaceful.

Once we got off the plane though, that's when the calmness was drowned out by fans flocking to Oliver, begging for autographs. _To be honest, I actually forgot he was in Rammstein, until this happened._ Oliver's security team came to his aid immediately, standing beside him and I as he signed a few photos with a gold sharpie marker. I kept my earbuds in, trying to avoid eye contact with all of them, knowing that they were probably staring right at me, speaking in Spanish about my appearance. The fairy large, intimidating, security guard gave me a light tap on the shoulder, and signaled me to start walking. I looked down seeing that he was carrying my bags, I was about to take them out of the mans hands but he pulled them away, signaling me to walk again. I rolled my eyes, limping down the crowded walk way behind Oliver. The sun was blazing, and the atmosphere was buzzing, but the only thing I could think about was how great it would've been if I was in shorts. We entered another black SUV and this time we were in the back instead of the front. The security guards piled my bags into the trunk of the car, and gave the back a harsh tap, I guess it notified the driver to start making his way to the studio. We carefully got out of the airport parking lot without running anyone over, and began the drive. I guess about halfway through the ride Oliver poked my arm. I took out one of the earbuds, glancing over at him, my eyebrows raised. 

 "Just a fair warning about the guys...They're sometimes argumentative, especially Richard and Paul...So just bear with them. Apart from that they're all very nice people, some of them have their little quirks, but they're all great people." He warned, and boasted about the mystery men that I was going to meet. I gave him an understanding nod, going back to looking out the window and listening to music. We passed several towns, until we ascended up a slightly steep mountain. I leaned forward a little bit, seeing an almost church like house up on the top of the hill. I took out my earbuds, and poked Oliver, pointing at the house.

 "Yes, that's it." He replied a smirking at my dumbfounded expression. I sat back, turning off the Ipod, wrapping the cord around it. Once we arrived at the top of the hill the driver parked.

 "Come on, let's get in." Oliver said, excitedly, unbuckling his seat belt. We both got out of the car, the driver taking the bags out of the trunk for me. I grabbed them, limping to the front door. Immediately hearing the sound of a harsh kick drum, that almost shook the atmosphere of the house. Oliver unlocked the door, motioning for me to enter before he did. I stepped in, slipping off my blue Converse, scanning over the busy house. Two men sat in the kitchen, drinking coffee and talking among themselves. One had long light brown hair that was just over his shoulders, he was quite tall, _not as tall as Oliver though,_ as well as lanky, and skinny. He sported some oval shaped reading glasses that were pushed right against his face, sporting a friendly smile on his face. The other man was shorter than him, his hair color was a little darker, almost buzzed off in a bowl cut shape. _It kind of looked like the barber butchered it._ His lips were curled up into a fairly welcoming, and warm smile. 

 "I see you've brought the guest of the hour." The shorter man announced, laughing a little at the end of the sentence. I placed the bags down on the ground, as he made his way to us. 

 "And thankfully she is shorter than me." He joked, a small smirk forming on my lips. He didn't seem all that phased by my appearance shockingly, but I definitely knew that there was plenty of questions running through his mind. It was all in his eyes, seeing them move back and forth over my face, then averting them.

 "Paul this is Amora. Amora this is Paul." Oliver introduced the both of us, saving Paul from the awkwardness that was going to ensue if he kept on staring at me. He gave me a gentle hug, taking me completely off guard. My brows furrowed, looking up at Oliver.

 "Easy Paul. Remember she's had surgery and stuff." He pulled away quickly, his face bursting with patches of red. His bluish grey eyes looking down at the ground.

 "Sorry about that. It's just how I greet people." I frowned, giving him a light pat on the shoulder, hoping that it would signify that the spontaneous hug wasn't a big deal.

 "I'll go take your bags upstairs to your room." He mumbled, lifting them both up with ease, walking out of our sight. Oliver let out a sigh.

 "Sorry about him, he's usually like that. I should've to-" I raised my hand up, showing that I didn't really care about what Paul did, since it wasn't a big deal to me. _It was like Oliver thought that I was a piece of glass and Paul would break me if he hugged me. Which wasn't the case at all, I was just awkward with that sort of contact._ We made our way to the fairly open kitchen, the tall man greeting the both of us. He reached over the counter, holding his hand out to me. 

"I'm Christian...But I prefer Flake." He introduced himself, his voice was quite gentle and soft, _seemed quite geeky to me._

 "This is Amora." Oliver motioned to me, as I shook his fairly large hand, that wrapped around mine completely. He didn't stare at me as much as Paul did, but he had the same dead give away that Paul had. _Go ahead Flake...Ask me what happened to my face, do it._ He didn't though. His hand slipped from mine, his gaze going to the coffee maker.

 "Want a coffee? It's a fresh pot." He asked kindly. I shook my head, flashing small smile on my face so it didn't seem like I was rudely rejecting his offer. _Coffee usually messed up my medication, and only made the side effects worse than they already were._ He frowned a little, but had a look of understanding at least.

 "Want me to call the rest of the guys so they can meet her?" Oliver shook his head.

 "I have to give her a tour of the house, so there's no point in calling all the guys, we will find them in due time." He explained casually. Flake gave him a nod, and the both of us proceeded to walk away. Oliver led me to the backyard, a large pool and courtyard accompanying it. A dog ran over to me, barking and sniffing my legs, licking my jeans. Then it ran away, going back to wherever it came from. The view was astounding to say the least, the lookout provided a vast view of the bright green trees that loomed below the house, and an amazing view of the sun that blazed down upon us. The soft sound of an acoustic guitar, and the soft movement of water caressing my ears. The man playing the guitar turned around, his bright blue eyes scanning over me. He smiled, balancing a cigarette between his lips, showing off his slightly straight, off white teeth. He put the guitar down beside him, taking his legs out of the pool, walking over to me quickly, taking the cigarette out of his mouth, putting it between his fingers. 

 "You must be Amora. I'm Richard." He held out the hand that wasn't holding the cigarette. His black hair hung just above his eyebrow, his smooth facial complexion glowing in the sunlight. I took his hand, giving it a light shake before pulling my hand away. He acted quite natural, no staring, nothing like that, he made eye contact, which was all that was needed basically. 

 "If you're looking for Till, he's recording up in his room, I highly recommend that you don't go see him right now, he's in a little bit of a sour mood. Jacob is being a little pushy with him today." He warned Oliver. _Till seems like a scary guy, judging by Richard's tone completely changing._ He nodded.

 "Do not worry. I was going to wait till he was free for her to meet him." He reassured. 

 "Good. Don't want her getting scared off by him." _Now I was just intrigued by this Till character._ Another man came out into the backyard, he had short brown hair, with a mustache and beard, and was munching on a piece of slightly charred toast. We made eye contact, casing him to break out into a cough. Richard, Oliver and I stared at him, as his coughs echoed through the air. He gasped, and swallowed.

 "Ugh...Um...Sorry." He said dryly. _The only person that was actually shocked by my appearance...How shocking._ He walked up to us, his gaze wasn't even on me, trying to avoid my face at all costs.

 "I'm uh...Schneider, you're Amora right?" He held out his hand. I quickly took it giving it a light shake, nodding at the same time. I could see his eyes look over at Oliver.

 "Es tut mir Leid Ollie, ich wusste nicht, dass sie schon hier sein würde, ich war einfach überrascht." Schneider spoke, as I slipped my hand from his. _Too bad I knew German. I wonder how long I could go without him knowing that. He seemed to have felt bad for his reaction._

"Man könnte es auch auf Englisch sagen, weil sie Deutsch sehr gut kennt" _Thanks for foiling my plans Oliver. You couldn't just let it go for a few days eh?_

"Sorry." Schneider murmured, his eyes meeting mine. I nodded, taking my gaze off of him, not wanting him to feel uncomfortable. 

 "Well...I guess I should show you your room right?" Oliver once again helped me dodge an awkward moment. I nodded, flashing Schneider and Richard a small smile and gave them a wave, slowly walking behind Oliver, following him back into the house. From where we stood I could hear a loud thump, and a grunt of frustration. 

 "Steer clear of Till for now." Oliver warned casually, like he was used to seeing Till in this mood. I nodded rapidly, understanding him. I gripped the railing as we made our way up the stairs, making it to the second level. 

 "You're all the way at the end of the hall. My room is right across from yours." I nodded. 

 "And that." He points to the door closest to mine.

 "Is Till's room. So I wish you luck in sleeping." _Too bad I don't._ I smirked.

 "Now that you're all settled, I guess I'll see you during dinner or something, I don't know, but feel free to walk around, explore...Y'know...Get used to stuff." I nodded once again. _I get it Oliver._ He gave me a smile, and proceeded to walk down the stairs, back to the main level. I sighed, limping to my bedroom, almost picking up speed when I was close to Till's room. I threw myself into the enclosed room, closing the door behind me. I could hear a deep voice, yet it was barely audible. I limped over to my bags, opening up the top pouch of one of them, taking out my pill bottles, counting them all hoping that I took them all. _Ten, Eleven, Twelve._ I walked over to the bookshelf that was almost overfilled with several different genres of books. I placed all the pill bottles on one of the shelves, lining them up from biggest to smallest.

 The rest of the day was spent listening to music, reading, and lounging in the backyard, with the company of the dog, who ran around and sometimes swam in the pool. Once in a while Oliver would poke his head outside offering me some food, which I just declined, not really having an appetite, until dinner came of course. I walked into the house, smelling some sort of meat cooking in a frying pan. Richard and Schneider were in charge of the cooking. I saw a bowl of salad with my name on it, _there was literally a sticky note on it._

"Hey, I know we warned you to not bother Till right now, but do you mind going to grab him, we have to man the cooking of the meat, cause Ollie, Paul, and Flake went to get beer." _Beer._ I shuddered at the word, but hoped no one would notice, _which chances are they did._ I gave them both a quick nod, turning away from them. I could hear them whispering, but couldn't catch any words they said, so I just went on my way, taking my time to walk up the stairs. I shuffled over to the entrance of Till's room, knocking on the door, receiving no answer. _Well I gave him a warning knock._ I opened the door, seeing another flight of stairs. I took my time, my hips hurting with every step I made. Once I made it to the landing, I laid eyes on him. He was a rather well built man, broad shoulders, muscular arms, very very large hands, the whole intimidating package. He was hunched over a fairly small notebook, and the scale of the pen compared to his hand made him look like a giant. His short black hair hung over his face, but didn't obstruct his view. As he loomed over the book, writing very causally I knocked on the wall, causing him to glance over at me, his bluish green eyes scanning over me slowly. He raised his eyebrows a little.

 "Yes?" His voice was a deep baritone, it felt like it shook my chest, even though there was a fair amount of space between us, underneath that baritone voice though, there was something soft, and gentle _._ I mimed eating by clacking my teeth together, making a chattering noise. He squinted.

 "Food?" I nodded. He closed the notebook and stood up, causing my neck to bend upwards. _He really was a giant._ He averted his gaze, holding out his hand. 

 "I'm Till...And you're...Amora?" I nodded, shaking his hand. It was soft and warm, and compared to mine, I could say that it was a blanket that just engulfed my whole hand. I didn't want to keep my hand in his and make things awkward, so I slowly pulled my hand out from his. We exchanged a small smirk, his eyes roaming over the scar on my face, his facial expression not changing one bit. 

 "Well then Amora...Let's go get some food then." He murmured, walking by me. _There was something within the look that he gave me. I couldn't sense the judgement, I couldn't sense anything, he was like a triple locked book, with no key, and no combination. **Definitely weird...But fascinating.**_


	2. Orange Juice and Notepads

 We both got down to the main level, seeing two six packs on the counter. I immediately grabbed my salad with the fork, and went as far away from the beer as possible, going to the couch, almost completely isolated from the guys. I took off the plastic wrap, looking down at the blood red tomatoes, the bright orange and yellow peppers contrasting with the dark green cucumber. My mouth watered just at the sight of it. I picked up my fork, my hand shaking a little bit, as I dug the sharp tips into one of the tomatoes, letting the acidic taste roam over my tongue. I chewed gently, poking into a slice of cucumber, suddenly feeling the couch go up a little, like someone sat beside me on my right side. I turned my head completely, facing Schneider, he had a plate in his hand with some meat, and potatoes, which looked pretty burned in my eyes. 

 "I'm sorry about my reaction. I guess...I was a little caught off guard." I raised my eyebrows, and nodded, agreeing with his statement. I chewed on the slice of cucumber, picking out the next vegetable that I was going to eat.

 "But I find it cool y'know, it gives you personality..." I smirked. _A burn that caused me to be blind in my right eye, and permanent facial scarring gives me personality? Well that's just great, I wish he could tell how sarcastic that smirk is._ I continued to eat, as he held out the plate of food to me.

 "Do you not want this?" I shook my head. _I wasn't a fan of meat, although those potatoes looked quite appetizing._ He frowned.

"Why not?" He asked, his voice had a hint of disappointment. I sighed, pointing at the meat, hoping that he was watching me closely as I shook my head, and clattered my teeth.

"Oh! I see...Well do you want the potatoes then? They didn't touch the meat or anything." He informed, I shrugged and nodded, he smiled, and placed the plastic plate onto the table, getting up from the couch.

 "I hope you like them...They're my specialty." I almost laughed at how enthusiastic he was, but it only appeared as a toothy smile, he gave one back of course, and made his way back to the kitchen, where the rest of the men were. I continued to eat in complete silence, catching snippets of the conversations they were having, it mostly consisted of how the album was going. 

 "Will we have to replace some damaged equipment Till?" Richard joked, a light choir of laughter bursting through the kitchen. 

 "Better watch it Reesh," Flake warned. I continued to eat slowly, savoring the flavor of every bite. Once I was done the salad I moved on to the potatoes, I poked my fork into it, lifting it to my gaze, observing it, before taking a small bite out of the corner. My taste buds bursting with the flavor of thyme, sage, and salt, _Schneider was right...They were definitely his specialty._ In record time I finished the potatoes, sitting back in satisfaction. I heard a light chuckle, my head immediately turning, seeing Richard smirking at me. 

 "I guess I should report back to Schneider and tell him you like the potatoes eh?" He asked, making his way over to me, taking a seat on the couch, a beer in his hand. I nodded, eyeing down the bottle.

 "You don't talk too much do you." I shook my head, averting my gaze, facing forward. _I don't know why Oliver didn't just tell them why I don't speak, I mean he probably gave them my life story, and he left out the most important part._ He reached over, taking a piece of the meat that I left on the plate.

 "Well...It's great to know that you're a good listener at least." He joked, chewing on the pork, _I just realized it was pork from the smell shockingly._ A half smile appeared on my face. _At least he respected my decision of not speaking, all of them did actually, which was great. Although I could tell by Oliver's face that he had a slight problem with it, but he needed to come to accept it, because I wasn't going to talk ever again, it was a vow that I would never break. A vow I made on that fateful day back in July._

 ------

 "So why doesn't she talk?" Paul asked, his voice sounding muffled because of all the food he shoveled into his mouth. I pushed a few pieces of lettuce back and forth on my plate, my hand pressed against my cheek. I let out a small sigh, shaking my head.

 "Her mother said that she just stopped talking after she came out of her coma, I don't think she has a reason for it." I informed, giving a small shrug, digging my fork into a piece of crunchy lettuce, biting into it. 

 "There is always a reason." Till murmured, all of us looked over at him, as he pushed his chair out away from the table and took his plate to the sink. 

 "Sure there is, but are we going to let her do this forever Till?" I shot back, trying not to get into an argument with him. He looked over his shoulder, and squinted at me.

 "What does it matter to you? She doesn't have to speak. I completely understand what she signals, so maybe you should get used to it." His tone wasn't argumentative, it was more of a suggestive one, as he turned on the tap, letting the water flow over his plate.

 "I would rather not play charades every time I ask her a question that doesn't have a yes or no answer." I pointed out quietly. Everyone, apart from Till looked over at me.

 "We have loads of time for her to get used to us, she'll eventually start talking." Schneider interjected. 

 "I would hope so..." I murmured, gazing off into the living room, seeing Richard talking her ear off. _Maybe Schneider was right...One can only hope._

 ------

 I was cooped up in my room, staring at the clock, waiting for it to strike 11:00 pm, so I could take my medications. I was in immense pain, and judging by the fact that I was up and walking around for most of the day without any sort of rest i kind of understood why I was experiencing it. _10:57._ A bead of sweat dripped down my temple, as I stared at my painkillers. I gripped a plastic water bottle in between my weak hands, crunching it together, listening to it crack. _10:58._ God why is time going by so slowly, my hips and ribs ached, the bones screaming for relief, begging to have the pain taken away. I put my face into my hands, peeking out from in between my fingers. The bright red numbers flashing _10:59._ One more minute. Just one more minute. I began to stand up, placing my hand on the bedside table, immediate pain shooting through my hips, I gasped a little, tears forming in my eyes from the searing pain that flowed through my bones. I grunted lightly, limping slowly across the room, going towards the bookshelf that I placed my medication on, turned my head to face the clock  _11:00._ I reached out for my painkillers, my almost numb hands shaking slightly as I twisted off the child proof cap, taking two of the large blue pills out of the bottle. Instantly putting them on my tongue, chugging down my water to wash them down. I let out a small sigh, going down the lineup of pill bottles, taking one from each, _my usual dose._ I piled all the pills into my mouth, drinking almost the whole bottle of water. Once I was finished I put the cap back on the bottle, and threw it into the small trash can that was right beside the bookshelf. Slowly I limped over to my luggage bag, grabbing some over the counter cream for my face, and eye drops that Lauri somehow snuck into my bag, while I exited my room, making my way to the bathroom, turning the yellowish light on. I didn't close the door, since I was just doing regular hygiene, brushing my teeth, washing my face etc. I caught my reflection in the mirror, my dark green eye staring at my clouded one, I reached my hand up, tracing my scar which was mixed with several variations of pinks, that started underneath it. _I haven't seen my reflection in months, I usually ignored it whenever I was in a washroom, but I guess it was unavoidable now._ I picked up my toothbrush, squeezing some toothpaste out onto the bristles, while I turned on the cold water. I did a quick brush, spitting out the minty paste a few times before completely rinsing off my toothbrush and placing it back into the holder. I unscrewed the top of the cream, revealing the clear ointment. I swiped my finger over the top of it, putting enough moisturizer on my finger for my whole scar. I began tapping the ointment on my cheek, gently rubbing it into my scarred, and numb skin. Once I was finished, I washed my hand off, drying it on one of the bath towels that hung on the wall. I put the cap back onto the container of cream, exchanging it for the eye drops. _I usually had someone to put it in for me, but I guess I could manage to do it by myself._ I opened the dropper, and put my head back, pulling down the bottom of my eye. Since I couldn't see out of the eye I was putting it in, it was quite complicated to get a drop or two into my eye. I was just about to give up, and skip the eye drops for tonight, until I heard the low baritone voice rumble through my ears.

 "Oh..Jeez I didn't know yo-..." He paused for a moment, seeing me twisting the cap to close it.

 "Do you need help putting that in?" He asked. I looked down at the bottle, scratching my barely watery eye. _I could use some of it._ I nodded with reluctance, as he made his way towards me. I think I could almost feel the floor beneath me buckle as the giant, muscular man came closer to me, taking the small, half ounce bottle into his fairly large hands, delicately twisting the cap as if he was going to break it if he did it any harder. I had to turn my head upwards to look at him, his eyes meeting mine, the large bluish-green irises boring into mine. He gave me a kind, gentle smile, as he lifted his left hand up, aiding me in keeping my eye open. 

 "What is this for anyway?" He inquired, his voice sounding somewhat curious. I could barely feel the drops enter my eye, until he pulled his hand away, which gave me a sort of sign that he successfully got it in. To answer this question I turned the bottle in his hand so the label was facing him. 

 

"Ah...Dry eye. I see." He murmured beneath his breath, his large fingers closing the tiny cap, handing it back to me carefully. I looked down at the bottle, then back up to him, hoping that he could see that I was thankful for the help, but chances are he didn't... _My face wasn't that readable._ He gave me a small nod, and I gave him one in return, gathering my things quickly so that he could use the washroom, _which was the reason he was there of course._ I could feel his eyes follow me, as I exited the bathroom and closed the door behind me, leaving him to do his business. I let out a silent sigh, hearing someone coming up the stairs, seeing Richard come into my view.

 "Oh hey, you going to bed?" He asked _I won't sleep, but I am going to go to bed._ I nodded, he gave me a small smile.

 "Well, if you need anything we'll probably be downstairs or in our rooms. So don't fret to just come and get one of us if something is wrong." _How kind._ I gave him a nod of understanding, and a smile prior to walking back to my room. I stepped in, closing the door behind me, the loud crashes of thunder making my heart skip a beat from how sudden it was. _The weather seemed fine when we first arrived here, no wonder it gave me a scare and a half._ I walked over to the bed, slipping off my pajama bottoms, getting under the crisp, and cold sheets, like nobody, had ever slept in this stiff bed before me. I grabbed _Les Miserables_ off my side table, flipping open to where I stopped reading, pulling my knees up near my chest, resting the hardcover on them.

 I might've sat there for hours until I felt my ribs pulsing from soreness, so I decided to get up, and move downstairs to the couch so I could be a little more comfortable, and laid out, instead of being on such a stiff bed. I limped down the stairs, the whole main level dark and shadowy, the only light that was provided came from the outside lights that lit the pool. I walked across the living room towards the kitchen to grab myself a drink. I turned on the lights, dimming them down so my eyes didn't burn out of my head. I placed the book down on the island, and made my way to the fridge, taking out a jug of orange juice, placing it on the counter, going back to eyeing the contents within the cool compartment. It was jam-packed with fresh vegetables, some fruits, as well as milk and eggs, _I guess the meats were in the freezer._ I closed the door, opening the cupboard closest to the fridge, looking around for a glass. 

 "What are you doing up at this time?" I jumped up immediately, seeing Till's figure coming out from the shadows that surrounded me. His hair was messy, like he had ran his hands through it several times due to frustration or anger, yet it still looked fairly presentable. Beneath his eyes he wore two dark circles, like he had been craving sleep. During my observations, I completely forgot to try to give an answer, so he suggested one.

 "I'm guessing you can't sleep either?" _That's easier than trying to explain that I don't sleep at all._ I gave a brief nod, continuing to look for a glass, opening every cupboard that lined the wall.

 "What are you looking for?" Till questioned, I glanced over at him, and pointed to the jug of orange juice. 

 "Oh...Our glasses are pretty hidden, here I'll show you where they are." He walked by me right into the dining room, opening up the cupboard beneath the alcohol case. He brought out two glasses and handed them to me, my shaky hands took them out of his, waiting for him to get up. I could hear his back crack, as he stood up a tiny groan escaped his lips, his hand going straight to the bottom of his back.

 "Jesus Christ." He murmured, a hint of pain in his voice. His eyes trailed over to me, a look of concern on my face.

 "Not a big deal, just my back." I nodded, going back to my normal state as the both of us walked to the kitchen, I placed the glass cups onto the counter, unscrewing the cap of the orange juice, my hand shaking uncontrollably.

 "You alright?" He asked. I glanced over at him, bringing my hand up to his view, showing how shaky it was. He raised his eyebrows, taking the cap out of my hands.

 "I think I'll pour the orange juice then." He said half joking, half serious, reaching over for the jug, his hand wrapping around the handle, pulling it over to him. He filled both glasses, handing one to me, leaning down on the island. He took a sip, and I did as well, he pulled his lips off the rim, reaching his long arm out, sliding Les Mis over to him, a small smile creeping onto his lips. 

 "When did you start reading this?" He asked, his hand dragging down the cover. I didn't answer, not knowing how to provide him one without my words. I'm guessing he took note of this, quickly running out of the kitchen. _I wouldn't think that this would make him run out._ I frowned, _I actually wanted some company, I liked having someone who would just talk away, and not really need me to keep up the conversation._ He returned with a small notepad and a pen, a kind smile drawn across his face, handing it to me. 

 "It's a little easier than being a mime right?" I nodded, slowly writing down my answer, the writing looked quite terrible judging by the fact that I hadn't written in months and had a fairly shaky hand, but I still managed to answer his question, handing the notepad back to him. He squinted, his eyebrows raising.

 "You're a fast reader...You're almost halfway done." He informed, chuckling lightly, taking a sip of the orange juice. He placed the notepad back on the table and slid it over to me.

 "You can keep that...It'll probably come in handy, we are very inquisitive people who ask questions that a nod or a shake can't answer." He sounded like he was being sarcastic, yet I took the notepad anyways, looking down at it. He lifted the glass of orange juice, giving a little nod to me.

 "I'll be going off to bed now. Enjoy the rest of your night. Sorry for interrupting." I shook my head immediately, trying to scribble something down, nearly throwing the pen across the room out of anger from not being able to control my hand. _You didn't interrupt._ I showed him the notepad, a little dusting of blush appeared on his cheeks, a shy smile slowly appearing on his face.

"I'm glad someone enjoys my company around here." _I can't tell if he's being serious or not, and if he was...It sounds like he's very lonely. He seemed like such a caring man, **all of them were caring men.**_ I grabbed the notepad, about to write something down, but he walked out. _And once again, I was alone._  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the new chapter. :) :)


	3. Siren Song

 A couple of days later I got a small knock on my bedroom door, interrupting me from my reading session. I slowly rose from my bed, grabbing my notepad and pen, limping across the bedroom. Another choir of knocks echoed through the room. I had the urge to scream at whoever was behind the door to have some fucking patience, but I refrained from doing so, the vow arising in my mind. I opened the door a little, to see who was there. Till gave a little wave a small smile drawn on his face, I placed my notepad against the door _what do you want Mr.Impatient?_ I held out the notepad showing him what I wrote, earning a small laugh to escape his lips. 

 "I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drive to the supermarket. You haven't really been out of your room all that much except for the times you've skillfully snuck down to get lunch and dinner." _A drive._ He handed me the notepad back, his eyes full of hope of me saying yes. _Sometimes I wish Oliver would just tell them what happened to me._ I bit the inner side of my cheek, glancing over at him before writing down my answer. _Alright...Meet you downstairs in ten minutes._ I handed the notepad back to him, a large smile appearing on his face, as he nodded. I then closed the door, placing my back on it. My heart was bursting out of my chest from the sheer anxiety of a car ride being mentioned, it wasn't because of Till, I can definitely say that, _not that didn't find him extremely macho though, he just wasn't the reason why my anxiety level sparked._ I walked over to my pill shelf, scanning all of them closely. _Come on Amora, find the god damn pills._ Of course it was the last bottle that I looked at. _**Valium:** One pill whenever needed. **It's needed.**_ I unscrewed the cap, taking a pill out of the yellow tube, placing it on my tongue, letting it dissolve in my mouth. The bitter aftertaste made me cringe down to my bones, but as long as it brought me some relief I was okay with the temporary disgust. For a moment I forgot all about my visible scar that was a huge attention grabber, _concealer, foundation...Setter._ I dug through my luggage bag, managing to find everything I needed to make the burden less noticeable. I pulled on a pair of tights, trying to push myself to the bathroom. I placed the glass bottles onto the counter, caking on a mixture of the various types onto the scar until all the redness could barely be seen. I leaned away from the mirror, looking at how nicely it blended in with the rest of my face, even it looked very textured, _the texture of the scaring of course._ I exited the bathroom, making my way down the stairs. 

 "Little Miss introvert has finally decided to make an appearance." Richard yelled from the kitchen, I noticed him placing some plates in the dish rack. I turned around seeing Till leaning against the wall staring directly at me, I flashed a little smile. making my way over to him. 

 "You ready to go?" I nodded, slipping on my shoes, my wavy hair falling in front of my face. Till handed me my notepad and pen, motioning for me to go out first. 

 "Till can I speak to you before you leave?" Oliver called out from the kitchen. I looked up at him, a confused look on my face. He shrugged, handing me the keys. I exited the house the cool, fall breeze ran over my face waking me up from my haze that the Valium would cause. I stepped into the passenger side, buckling in my seatbelt, placing the notepad on my legs, waiting for Till's arrival. 

 ------

 "How did you get her to come out of her room?" Oliver asked, sounding a little jealous that I was able to get her out. I shrugged.

 "Maybe it's because I treat her like a normal person instead of a patient," I replied casually. Every time I saw him he was asking her all these questions, whether or not she was in pain, why she wasn't trying to speak to us or socialize, why she wouldn't come out of her room, there was plenty of more stupid questions he would ask that would just grind my gears, because it made it seem like he was babying her. 

 "She is a patient Till." He exclaimed, "How can you not realize it?" I raised my eyebrows, caught off guard by the way he was speaking about her. This garnered the attention of Richard, Flake, and Paul, their eyes on the both of us as the conversation began to raise in volume.

 "She isn't a patient. If she really needed help she wouldn't have been released from the rehabilitation center. Maybe you should realize that you need to give her emotional support, and not treat her like an injured animal. She's nineteen years old and she is able to take care of her health." I fumed. Oliver looked over at Richard, Paul and Flake.

 "Can you believe this?" He asked them, pointing at me. They didn't look like they wanted to get involved with the argument, so he continued "You don't even know the shit that she's been through." He spat back. I rolled my eyes.

 "How about you tell us what she's been through then, why keep it to yourself? Isn't it something we should know?" Oliver crossed his arms.

 "It isn't my place to tell you. It's her story. Not mine." He said in a matter of fact voice. I felt my fist clench, as I took in a deep, unwavering breath. _Just leave it Till._

"Fine then..." I murmured, turning back around, leaving the conversation so my blood pressure didn't spike through the roof. I took the house keys off the hook and left out the front door, the cool breeze stinging my freshly shaven face. I noticed Amora sitting in the car through the clear windshield, her head leaned on the window. I entered the car, shifting in the seat as I buckled in my seatbelt, holding my hand out to her. She handed me the car keys, picking up her pen. I waited for her to write down her sentence before turning on the car. She pushed the notepad into my sight. _What was that about?_ Her handwriting looked very messy and loose, but it was still readable.

 "Eh...He just wanted me to get a few things for him. Not a really big deal." I replied, lying to her so she wouldn't be too concerned. I looked over at her, seeing that she had covered up her scar that was usually a mixture of reds. Her eyes looked up at me, her unscared cheek turning a blush pink. She pulled the notepad to her, writing one word down in the blue ink. _What?_ I pointed at the scar, nearly touching it.

 "Why did you cover it up?" I asked, proceeding to back out of the long winding driveway. I looked in my review mirror checking if there was any cars before fully pulling out turning onto the nearly empty road. I could hear her pen dragging across the rough notepad paper. It stopped a few minutes later right when we arrived at a stop light. She showed me the notepad _It's not really something I want to flaunt. It's not that fun being stared at all the time._ I looked over at her, seeing that she was turned away from me, glaring out the window.

 "It's a part of you...You should own it." I said, handing the notepad back to her. She jotted something down, the light turning to green. I pressed on the gas gently, sending the car forward. I turned up the radio, some smooth jazz flowing out of the speakers. 

 "Do you like this type of music?" She gave a shrug, turning it up a little more, _I guess so._ We stopped at another red light once again, as she handed me the notepad. _I don't think if you had this on your face you would be thinking that same way._

 "I would, you shouldn't have to cover this stuff up if it's a part of you...That's what I believe in." I uttered. The light turned green and we continued driving in silence since she didn't give a reply. We parked close to the supermarket, the both of us getting out of the car. She was a little slower than me, it looked like she was in some sort of pain, or maybe her back was just stiff, kind of like my own. She closed the door, bundling up a little in her dark green sweater, as she limped to where I was. A breeze blew in my face, causing me to shiver as well as cuddling into my scarf that was draped around my neck. I kept pace with her so I didn't leave her behind me, she was limping, trying to keep balance, so I stood fairly close to her, my arm just a few centimetres away from hers. _I didn't really notice how short she was. She's like an elf._  It was quite early in the morning, so the supermarket was pretty deserted, which meant a minimum to no fans. She grabbed a basket and handed one to me as well. We both walked down the isles, stopping once in a while if we saw something that we wanted. By the end of our little excursion Amora had plenty of vegetables, some fruits, and lots and lots of sweets that filled her basket. I, on the other hand, had some normal food, fish, sausage, mostly meats with the exception of a chocolate bar, _which I would probably eat on the car ride home._ The both of us piled our items onto the conveyor belt, Amora passing me after she was done emptying her basket. The interaction with the cashier was very flirtatious, but I tried to ignore it, not really comfortable with the intense staring that she was giving me. I quickly paid, and thankfully Amora had packed everything up ready to get back to the car. The air was only becoming cooler, my ears hearing her teeth chattering. I took my scarf off with my free hand, gently hanging it over her neck. Her eyes traced up to me, a shy smile creeping up on her face, giving me a small nod since she couldn't balance the notepad as well as write down an answer, but the smile and nod gave me a pretty good idea that she was saying thank you. We piled the groceries into the back of the car, my hands digging into the bag where the chocolate bar was, pulling it out of the paper bag. My stomach growled loudly, craving the sugary treat that I held within my hand. _I should've gotten a bigger one._ We entered the car, my large fingers working to open up the wrapper, having a slight struggle with it because of how slippery it was. In my peripheral view, I could see her tiny pale hand, that had a fairly scarred burn on it, her nimble fingers taking the chocolate out of my hands, tearing it open for me. 

 "Thank you." She smiled, handing it back to me, nuzzling her face into the scarf that hung loosely around her neck. I broke a piece off, offering her it. She shook her head, leaning against the window. I frowned, taking a small bite of the sweet milk chocolate, my stomach ceasing to growl. I turned on the car, slowly getting out of the parking lot, we drove in silence yet again, the only thing filling the atmosphere was the sound of the clean guitars. I heard a small sigh, gaining my attention. Her eyelids were closed tight like she was having some sort of night terror. I kept my eyes on the road, once in a while glancing over at her to see if she was alright, _she seemed fine._ I pulled the car into the driveway, driving up the steep hill. Once we got to the front of the house I placed the car in park, taking another bite of the chocolate bar. I reached over, giving her a gentle nudge, waking her from the micro nap that she was getting. She shot out of her dream looking over at me, a panicked expression appearing on her face, her eye was bloodshot, filling with tears.

 "Are you okay?" I asked concerned, digging into my pocket for a tissue. She beat me to it, wiping her eye off with the end of her sweater, taking out her notepad and pen. Her now extra shaky handwriting down an answer. I sat there trying to read what she was writing from where I was. I think we were sitting there for more than five minutes, and once she was done, she handed the notepad to me.  _Visceral dream...I don't want to talk about it._ Her handwriting was slanted, and shaky, to the point where the o's looked like deformed e's. 

"Alright...We don't have to talk about it but I'm just concerned if you're okay or not." I reassured, placing the notepad in her empty hand. Her left hand wrote down a short, brief answer, she flashed it quickly. _I'm okay._ I nodded, giving it back to her. 

 "Let's get all the stuff out of the back then..."

 ------

Once we got back into the house and packed all the stuff away, I went back up to my room, still wearing Till's scarf that radiated a mixture of smells, from aftershave to a sort of spicy scent that stung my nose. I took it off, hanging it on the doorknob of his bedroom, before entering my own, closing myself in from the rest of the world. I went to my window, letting the gloomy clouds light the room I stood in, my eyelids hid my pupils, the light shining through them dimly. I let out a long breath, making my way over to the uncomfortable bed, sliding under covers. I laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling, clutching the warm blankets against me, not wanting to think about that horrible nightmare that I had during the car ride home. _Those sirens, the screams..._ I shivered, remembering the flashing blue, and orange lights. The smell of smoke and burnt skin, the image of the cloudy sky running through my head. I felt a tear stream down my temple, I placed one of the pillows beside me, turning over onto my side, facing the door. I dug my face into the silky fabric, hearing a light knock on the door. _I can't get up._ Another knock echoed through the room.

 "Amora...It's Schneider, I have some food if you want to come down and get some." _I can't resist Schneider's cooking though, but at the same time...I wasn't all that hungry._ He let out a small sigh from behind the door, a conversation ensuing.

 "Sie wird nicht aus dem Raum kommen." _Yes, Schneider, I'm not coming out of my room, you're right._

"Bring das Essen hoch und lass es an ihrer Tür liegen." Richard replied, _yes just bring the food and leave it at my door._ I heard a small sigh from Schneider, the floor creaking as he walked away from the door. I cuddled into the pillow a little more, not wanting to close my eyes out of fear that I was going to fall asleep. The sirens went off in my head.

  _"Where's my son?!" A woman screamed I could feel the oxygen mask go over my mouth and my nose. My face and eye burned, if I thought hard enough about it I can remember how painful it was. I tried to lean up and look at the scene, but my head was strapped down._

_"Oh my baby!" A different woman cried, I felt myself wheeze, breathing in the oxygen, I wanted to ask the paramedics what was happening, but I felt like my vocal cords were completely destroyed. I was pulled into the back of the ambulance, the bright white light taking me into its arms._ I shook my head, slowly rising up from the bed. I put my head in my hands, rubbing the fresh, hot tears that flowed down them. _Maybe some food will take my mind off of it._ I slowly limped over to the door, cracking it open a bit so I could grab the bowl of potato salad. I pulled it in, closing it by leaning my back against it, I dug my fork into one of the red onions, looking at it before eating it. The crunching filling the room. _That night will never go away, it will never disappear from my memory._ I stabbed one of the soft potatoes, taking a small bite of it, wiping my face off, ridding it of some fresh tears that came down my face. I sniffled, putting the rest of the food into my mouth, the light vinegary dressing dancing over my taste buds. There was nothing like food and crying to bring my mood back to neutrality again. I put my hand under my sweater, dragging my fingers across my chest scars. _I just want to disappear, I want all the memories to disappear._ I placed the empty bowl down beside me, managing to stand up from my sitting position with a tiny bit of pain shooting through my hips, ribs and as well as my chest. I wrote a quick note, taping it on the outside of the clear plastic bowl, _Thank you_. I placed the bowl outside my door, closing it yet again, hoping that one of them would just take it and not bother me. Of course, I was wrong. I heard a loud creak coming from the hallway. 

 "You're welcome..." Till's voice boomed, as I made my way to the bed yet again, climbing under the covers, pulling it over my head. _Engulf me in the sheets, drown me in the fabric of hurt and pain...I don't deserve to be alive. I don't **want** to be alive. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think happened to Amora? I would love to hear your theories. :) Hope you enjoyed the chapter :) I'm really enjoying writing this one.


	4. Just Like Me.

 "I'm worried." Schneider revealed, "She hasn't been down in days." He added, taking a slurp of his coffee, placing it onto the island. I sighed, taking a seat in front of him, holding the mug in between my large hands, warming myself up.

 "Well at least we know she's alive. She took a shower this morning at three." I murmured, gulping down the dark brown liquid, letting the strong coffee fill my veins, my brain soaking up the caffeine, energizing me.

 "You have one fucked up sleep schedule Till...Unless she woke you up, but I doubt that she makes that much noise." I smirked at his comment, _yes, my sleep schedule was messed up, but for good reasons. I was usually up writing, trying to tie together my words so I could keep my mind on the goal of finishing the album by the end of next year._

 "She seemed fine that day you took her to the supermarket. Then when you guys got back she was just in this...Mood. Did something happen?" He asked concerned, bringing out a container of celery, taking the red top off of it.

 "She had a nightmare while we were coming back, but she didn't tell me what it was about." Schneider picked one of the sticks up, biting off half of the celery stick, the crunching noises filling the silence in the room. _I wish that Ollie would just tell us what happened to her. Maybe we would be able to make sense of it all if we knew. **It doesn't seem like she will tell us anytime soon, so I guess we will have to wait it out.**_

 "It must've been bad if she doesn't even want to come down. Have you ever thought of possibly knocking on her door and poking your head in? She seems to have a soft spot for you so she might not mind all that much." I raised my eyebrows at him.

 "Are you hinting at me to go and check up on her?" He nodded, I let out a loud drawn out sigh.

 "Fine...I'll go, but I'm going to take the celery as a peace offering." I joked, grabbing the whole container, leaving my coffee cup on the island. I made my way up the steep set of stairs to the upper level, taking a right. I let out a soft groan, my back aching with every step I took. Eventually, though I arrived at her room, taking a deep breath before knocking. I didn't even hear any movement from behind the door, worrying me a little bit. I placed my hand on the doorknob, pushing it open a little. She laid beneath the blankets, her hair hanging over her eye, with a pillow crushed against her. Her shoulders were rising and falling as she stared at me. 

 "I brought up some celery for you..." I said, holding the container out in front of me. Her eye glanced down at it, then back up at me. She looked exhausted, her eyes sported dark circles under them, her face pale and drained of the little colour that she had. She reached over to her bedside table, sliding it over to her, she slowly wrote something down, throwing the notepad at me weakly once she was finished. _I don't want anything to eat._ I frowned.

 "You need to eat...You aren't superhuman." I replied, she averted her gaze, and turned over, so her back was now facing me. A sigh escaped my lips, bending down to place the container on the ground, with her notepad on it, before leaving her bedroom.

 ------

 Of course, I ate the celery, my stomach had been growling ever since I took the shower. Apart from that though, I barely ate all day. I watched the sun go down, the darkness of the night being seen through the separated curtains. _I need to get up, I can't stay like this._ I groaned, sitting up from the stiff mattress, my bones cracking, several worrying noises echoing through the room, a searing pain erupting from my ribs. I checked the time _9:05._ I stretched out, hearing the deep rumbling voice of Till from the room beside me. _He was singing._ I got up trying to keep my movements quiet, grabbing the notepad off the side table, with my trusty pen, limping my way over to the door. My bones cried with loud cracks, _I wanted my painkillers so badly, but I didn't want to stop walking, out of fear that I would go off balance and fall._ I opened the door, poking my head out into the dark hallway, _it didn't sound like anyone was home except Till and I._ I completely exited my room, tiptoeing towards the deep voice that sung. I leaned my ear against the door that led into his room, catching a few words here and there _._ I opened the door carefully, hoping that he wouldn't hear me as I snuck up the stairs that led to his actual bedroom. I took a seat, leaning my back against the wall that obscured his vision, so he wasn't able to see me. 

 "Und die Vögel singen nicht mehr..." He paused for a moment as if he was writing something down, presumably the lyrics. He stopped singing, murmuring some lyrics beneath his breath. For some reason I found it quite soothing, deciding to close my eyes. _Huge mistake on my part._

\------

 "Ohne Licht....No doesn't work." I rested my forehead on my hand, _I need a break before I have a mental breakdown._ I rose from my desk, cracking my back from being hunched over for more than two hours. I grabbed my empty water bottle, going towards the stairs slowly, hoping that my booming footsteps wouldn't wake Amora up from her room since the walls were quite thin. I turned the corner, almost stepping down onto the first step, stopping right before I put my foot down. _How did she sneak in so easily?_ Amora sat on the top step, her head hanging off to the side, her body barely on the step because of how slanted she was. I was taken aback that she was even out of her room, but also a little confused as to why she was in mine. _It was progress that she was out at least._ I slipped my arms under her bony body, gently lifting her up, being as careful as I could so she wouldn't wake up. Her head leaned against my chest, as I brought her over to my bed, placing her on top of the covers. Immediately she curled up into a ball, turning her back away from me. I let out a small sigh, leaving her to go get another bottle of water. I made my way down the steps, exiting my room. I went to the kitchen, noticing a bright yellow sticky note on the counter. I lifted it up _Went out, we will be back in the morning._ It's nice they didn't invite me. I put the piece of paper down, going towards the fridge, opening the door. The cool air hitting my face, as I grabbed two water bottles and the leftovers from dinner that Oliver refused to bring up to Amora. _He thought that he could lure her down by starving her basically. It probably made her angrier, to be honest._ I took out a fork for her, placing it on top of the cover, walking back up to my room. I slowly opened up the door, trying my best not to make any noisy movements. Successfully I got up the stairs without her waking up, and shockingly she was still in the same position with her back facing me. I placed the leftovers on the desk, and the extra water bottle on the bedside table beside her. I couldn't help but look down at her, the scarred part of her face shimmering, a small tear escaping from the corner of her eye. _I guess these nightmares were a reoccurring thing._ She flinched, a whimper falling from her. I tore my gaze off of her, proceeding to walk over to the desk, taking a seat. I couldn't stop looking over at her, wondering what she might've been dreaming about that would get her this worked up. 

 "Please...This can't be happ-.." My ears raised at her soft, breathy voice, _it wasn't what I was expecting I could tell you that._  I was a little caught off guard, not expecting her to say anything, and even though she wasn't saying it to me...There was just something that made me feel special about hearing it. I kept my eyes glued to her, hoping that she would say something else. She turned over, shivering. _God Till stop staring at her you little creep._ I turned my head away, looking back at the desk. Her teeth chattered together, causing a light clicking sound to occur. I got up from my chair, grabbing an extra blanket that I had, putting it over her body. _I don't know how she could be cold._ All of the sudden she opened her eye, her hand slowly covering her mouth to possibly muffle out some whimpers. Now the tears flowed like waterfalls, the sounds of her gasping for air turned my stomach. I reached over to the bedside table, grabbing the water bottle, I slid my arm under her head and helped her sit up, a brittle moan flowing out her mouth, she opened her eyes, as I leaned her against the headboard, her eyes were filled to the brim with tears, her eye completely bloodshot. 

 "Here, drink." I unscrewed the cap, handing it to her. Her shaky hand came up grabbing it from mine, the water almost pouring out onto the blanket. Immediately I reached up.

 "Can I...?" She wiped her face with her free hand, slowly nodding. I took the shaking bottle into my hand, bringing it to her lips, she closed her eyes taking a small sip, before pulling back, her head moving back and forth refusing to drink anymore. I put the cap back on, placing it on the nightstand, my eyes tracing back to her. 

 "Do you want some food?" I asked gently, motioning to the food on the desk. She took her notepad out of the front pocket of her sweater, writing down a reply. She turned it around. _No thank you._ I sighed.

 "Amora..." She flipped the page over, writing something down quickly, turning the paper to me. _I'm just not hungry Till._

 "You haven't eaten all day." I pointed out. She wrote out a reply. _I ate the celery, that's enough for me._ I got up from the bed, stretching out my arms.

 "Fine." I replied, walking over to the desk, holding the salad out to her. 

 "But at least eat a little." She looked up at me, her eyes boring into mine, and slowly I saw the wall of refusal break. Her gaze went down to the salad, taking it out of my hands, and placing it onto her lap. Her tiny hands took the lid off, placing it on the nightstand before picking a piece of red pepper out from the bowl with her nimble fingers, eating it quickly. Before she began to eat she wrote a note on the yellow paper, handing it to me. Her crunches filled my ears as I read her handwriting. _Can I stay here for tonight?_

"Like...In my room?" I clarified, a little taken aback. She nodded looking down at the salad once again. I took a seat at the desk, her eyes glancing over at me, some sort of nervousness being seen. I cleared it quickly.

 "Yeah...That's alright with me." I replied, putting a small smile on my face. She ate half the salad, placing it on the bedside table. I got up, taking the bowl into my hands, bringing it downstairs.

 ------

 I got under the covers, laying flatly on the memory foam mattress, staring up at the bluish-green ceiling. He had plenty of pillows to spare, so I placed one on my side, and turned over, holding it against me. Till returned, and took a seat at his desk, facing away from me. I kept my eyes on him, as he pulled his chair closer to the desk. His large looming figure hunched over, the sound of pen on paper filling my ears. I closed my eyes, listening to his light humming. _I don't want to fall asleep._ I widened my eyes a little bit, grabbing the notepad. _Please keep me up...I don't want to fall asleep._ I threw the pile of paper at him, unsuccessfully of course. He turned and grabbed the note, his bluish green eyes going over my almost unreadable handwriting.

 "Well...What do you want me to talk about?" I shrugged. He sighed, coming over to me with the notepad in his large hands. He motioned to the empty space in front of me. 

 "Do you mind if I lay on top of the sheets?" I shook my head, backing up so there was, even more, space, seeing that he was quite a muscular man. The bed shifted, as he laid down beside me, he placed his arm behind his head, handing me the notepad. My tiny hands took it out of his, holding it. 

 "I don't know what to talk about...I'm not one to speak of myself that much." He informed, squinting up at the ceiling. _I need you to keep me awake._ He looked over at me, his eyes changing expression, he looked back up at the ceiling, letting out a sigh.

 "I...Used to be a swimmer in East Germany." I raised my eyebrows, intrigued. _East Germany was nuts about sports, it must've been a nightmare._ I motioned for him to continue. 

 "I was a little bit of a shit disturber I guess...I was close to being in the Olympics, but I caused a lot of trouble. I didn't really like it...Yet I still pushed myself every morning to swim. Now it's just a thing I do to relax, but it will always be associated with some repressed memories that I hate to think about." He had a tone of sadness in his voice. He turned over so he was facing me. 

 "Give me your hand for a moment." A confused look appeared on my face, as I reached my arm out. He wrapped his hand around my wrist gently, not putting a lot of pressure on it. He closed his eyes, bringing my palm to rest on his cheek. Immediately I felt tiny indented scars beneath my fingers, he moved my hand around for me, letting it drag down his cheek. _He had so many._

"They used to put chemical cocktails into the swimmers. The coaches were serious about winning, of course, it used to cause scarring, and plenty of other things of course...Um...I guess you could say this is something I need to carry around with me as a reminder of those days..." _Kind of like me._ He let go of my wrist, letting my hand still roam over his cheek, taking in every scar that I felt. He opened his eyes, the both of us looking at each other. He pointed at my scar.

 "That's also the reason why I treat you normally...Because I know there's a story behind everything, and there's always a reason why people act the way they do..." I nodded, a small smile appearing on my face. _Someone understands._ Slowly I dragged my hand off his cheek, putting it back under the pillow. Our eyes stayed on each other, as Till continued to talk about his life, my ears stayed tuned into his voice as it got sleepier and slower in speech while the hours passed. I had written countless pages of replies to his stories, some were so intriguing that I came close to breaking my vow by saying the thoughts that were in my mind...But I held back of course. He was such an interesting man, with plenty of views and things to say, his intimidating features hid the real, and gentle Till that I had grown to know during the hours that passed. After one last story, he let out a long yawn. 

 "...I think all the stories have been told Frau." The word Frau rolled off his tongue with ease, a lazy smile appearing on his face, "Will you be okay if I sleep a little?" _Was he willing to stay awake if I said no? **Probably not.**_ I nodded slowly.

 "Is there any chance that you will come downstairs tomorrow and have breakfast with us?" He asked, his voice sounding quite hopeful. _Do it for Till...He had exposed so many weaknesses to you tonight, the least you could do is show that you want to repay him._ I turned another page of the notepad writing _I will._ I showed him my reply, a toothy smile appearing on his face, as he dug his head into the pillow.

 "Goodnight..." His eyes staring into mine. I slowly wrote down a goodnight back, showing it to him, then he proceeded to close his eyes, his eyelids covering the green orbs. His breathing softened and became heavy, a light snore escaping from his mouth. I lifted my hand up, barely touching his cheek with my fingertips. _I can't let myself get close to him...Or else he will end up like Warren._ I felt myself tear up at the thought of him. _God Amora...Why did you ask to stay in his room? Now it's going to be so hard to push yourself away from him._ I shuffled a little closer to him, leaving space between us still, the only contact between us being my fingertips that traced lightly over his cheek. He slept with an innocence, like nothing bothered him in his sleep, _the complete opposite of me._ My fingers traced over his nose, down over his cupids bow, across his jawline., then all the way back up to his cheek. He shifted a little bit, his arm going under his head, almost purposely pressing his cheek into my hand. I ran my thumb over the indented scars. _Deep down inside...He's hurting just like me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning. It's about to get dark, and deep in the next chapter. Things are going to start to piece together slowly, and I hope you guys are able to bear with it. I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter <3 :)))


	5. November Rain

 The next morning faded in, taking over the dark room, filling it with a grey haze. I slowly opened my eyes, my senses all coming back to me instantly, feeling Till's heavy arm over my frail body, my back pressed against his broad chest through the thick blankets, feeling it rising and falling his cool breath hitting the back of my neck. I stretched my arms out in front of me cracking my bones. Till sighed loudly, sliding his arm under my pillow, his large palm sticking out from under the pillow case. His hands were chapped, full of little scrapes, and faint scars. I reached up, comparing my hand to his, leaving some space between them so we weren't touching, I could see his fingers twitch slightly, like he was trying to grasp air. His palm had many wrinkles on it, compared to my smooth one that looked almost bare apart from the long scar that I have sported since I was a young child. I reached my left hand down, running it over the top of his arm, the hairs tickling my fingertips, as his muscles tensed up around my torso. I could feel bumps on the top, like he had scars on them as well, probably childhood accidents, or from when he used to fight to fit in with his friends.

 "What the hell is going on here?" Paul exclaimed, _I guess I was so deep in my own thoughts that I didn't even hear the door open, and his footsteps._ Till groaned, the rumbling in his chest transferring to me. I shuffled out from under his arm, reaching over and tapping around the nightstand for my notepad. _Where the fuck is it?_ I could hear Till roll over, the rustling of paper ringing through my ears. Both of us sat up, one after the other, our eyes avoiding each others gazes as he handed me my notepad and pen. I quickly scrawled down _It's not what you think it is!_ I flashed him the notepad, Till and Paul stared at it, Paul's eyes scanning the both of us, noticing that we were fully clothed, with no evidence of funny business.

 "Till...Can I please speak to you alone?" I glanced over at him, seeing his face was a deep, crimson red, full of embarrassment due to the position that we were innocently caught in. He gave a small nod, his eyes catching mine before he slid off the bed, and stood up, his body now towering over Paul. My eyes followed them as they walked down the stairs, out of my sight. _I really hope he isn't in trouble...We didn't do anything, it just happened naturally, he didn't do it on purpose._

  _\------_

I followed Paul down the stairs, going into the hallway, I closed the door behind me, turning around to see Paul with his arms crossed, squinting at me with a questionable stare. He let out a rough sigh. His eyes were bloodshot, and he looked fairly tired, _probably hungover from last night._  

 "What is she doing in your room?" He asked, rubbing his forehead. I leaned against the wall. 

 "She fell asleep on the steps leading up to my room, I guess she was listening to me record and write. So...I put her in my bed. I wasn't planning on sleeping beside her, she just asked to stay and I said yes...But she wanted me to keep her up because she didn't want to sleep, so I did for as long as I could, then I fell asleep. It's a whole misunderstanding please don't tell Oliver." I begged. Paul's face softened a little, a breath of relief being exulted. 

 "I won't tell Oliver...Just...Make sure you don't do or say anything stupid." A confused look appeared on my face, _I never made any stupid decisions, and when I did it was usually under the influence of alcohol._

"You really think I wo-." Paul interrupted me before I could finish.

 "I'm saying it for your own emotional safety." I was even more confused after he said this, _she isn't going to hurt me...She wouldn't even hurt a fly, she's harmless._

"Emotional safety?" I questioned raising my eyebrows, "Do you even know me Paul?" I added, he didn't react to this, he just scratched the back of his neck.

 "You don't know her..." He stated calmly. Bewildered by his statement I squinted.

 "And you do?" I replied hotly. Paul crossed his arms over his chest again.

 "Yes. Way more than you..." He murmured under his breath, leaning against the wall, I motioned for him to continue, wanting to know more, he glanced up at me, releasing a shaky breath, "Oliver told us what happened to her...He got a little too drunk last night and just blurted it out during one of his drunken rants...Then he told us how she ended up in rehab, and I feel that if you say or do something, it might trigger memories. Oliver made it seem like she was very sensitive, so I'm just war-." I held my hand up, signalling him to stop talking for a minute so I could get a few words in.

 "Tell me what happened to her." It wasn't a question, it was more of a command, Paul's eyes filled with fear, something that I rarely struck into him, _I've had my moments though._

"I-I...I can't. If it gets back to her Oliver will murder me with his bare hands...Since you're so close to her how about you just ask." He stuttered in a whisper, avoiding eye contact with me. 

 "At least tell me how fucking bad it is..." I swore under my breath, Paul opened his mouth to say something but paused when we heard the door opening. Amora stepping out of my room, gripping the notepad and pen, a small, gentle smile on her face.

 "Breakfast will be ready soon, so you guys should start coming down and stuff," Paul informed, returning a smile to her, backing away from us, making his way downstairs. She looked at me her eyebrows raised a little bit, a look of concern in her eyes. She placed the notepad on the wall, writing something down, turning it to me. _Is he going to tell Oliver? Cause we were just sleeping, I don't want you guys getting into an argument because of my stupid fears._ I shook my head.

 "Paul won't tell...I guess he was a little caught off guard and jumped to conclusions." She nodded, writing on the yellow page, turning it to me. _More than a little._ I smirked at her. 

 "Agreed Frau...Now let's go get some food, I'm starving." My stomach growling heavily, craving some food. I could see a look of reluctance in her eyes. 

 "Hey...You said you will." I pointed out. She let out a sigh, quickly writing down a reply. _Fine._ I smiled, motioning for her to follow me. The both of us going down to the main level, all eyes going onto Amora. _Way to make her awkward guys._

"Hey! I'll go grab a plate and stuff, we weren't expecting you to be coming down." Schneider exclaimed, a bright smile on his face, I glanced down at Amora, a slight blush of red on her face.

 ------

 I took a seat at the island, placing myself between Richard, and Flake who were already eating their fairly large breakfasts. My feet dangled off the stool, swinging back and forth as Schneider came out with a plate, laying it in front of me. 

 "Hash browns?" He offered, motioning to the pan. I nodded pushing the plate towards him so he can put some of them on the side, he put a few scoops and placed the bowl back to where it was before. Schneider's lips curled into an even larger smile, watching me reach for my fork _since everything else that they made was meat,_ I scooped a little pile of oily, and unnaturally crispy potatoes, noticing that all the men's eyes were on me, except for Till's. I placed my notepad on the table, chewing the hash browns, _what's everyone looking for? My seal of approval or something?_ I turned the pad to them, swerving back and forth so they all saw what I was asking. Immediately they shot glances at each other, Oliver squinting at them like he would kill them if they said anything. 

 "We're just shocked that you've finally come out of that cramped room!" Flake exclaimed, my eyebrows knitted together, raising at the same time, _I knew when someone was lying about enthusiasm, this was one of those times, they must know something, or I must've been interrupting an important conversation._ I shrugged, brushing it off so I didn't get into a full-blown argument because I was accusing them of something that I was just suspicious of. I continued to eat until my plate was finished, I pushed myself off the chair, going towards the sink. I turned the taps, letting the water from the faucet flow onto my greasy, and oily plate. I rolled my sleeves halfway up my forearms, so only my black 'wrist guards' could be seen, _hiding my deepest darkest secret._ I quickly washed my dish, putting it into the rack, before turning back around, drying my hands off on the cloth that hung on the handle of the stove. I looked at the five men, who looked like they were holding back the most judgmental stares that I had never seen before. I could tell that something was wrong with them. I walked over to the counter, grabbing my notepad. _What is up with you guys?_ I turned the page to them, swaying back and forth so all of them could get a good look. Immediately they all went back to their normal states.

 "Nothings wrong, I guess we're all just a little hung over from last night...Right guys?" Oliver chuckled, looking over at the group, they nodded rapidly, except Till, who just stared absentmindedly at his plate. I took note of this, hoping that maybe he would tell me the reason, _cause he must know something._ I nodded in agreeance, writing on the notepad yet again, _I'm going to go sit in the back courtyard..._ I showed them the notepad, and left the kitchen, ending the conversation. I went upstairs, grabbing my iPod and earbuds from my room, and slipped on my shoes before going outside into the cool, damp weather that surrounded the Villa. I breathed out, my breath clouding in front of me like smoke, as I found myself a seat on one of the metal chairs that faced the view, looking down at the dark green trees that glistened with rain from this morning. I put my earbuds in, leaning back against the seat, pulling my sleeves down, shielding them from the nippy air that stung my sensitive skin. The light guitars ringing in my ears, Scott McKenzie's voice cooing about going to San Francisco, the music hugging me tightly. I threw my head back letting the slight drizzle of rain drip onto my face, I closed my eyes tightly, letting a light sigh escape my lips, a light breeze blowing in my face, freezing the water droplets. _If you come to San Francisco, Summertime will be a love-in there._ The song faded off, my eyes opening again, looking up at the light grey sky, my body relaxing to the slow jams of the sixties.

 ------

 I kept my eyes glued to her, watching her chest rise and fall to the beat of the rain, her wavy auburn hair hung damply over the back of the metal chair, one knee close to her chest, the other one on the ground. I could see her breath flowing into the air in long drawn out breaths that evaporated into the air instantly. I was entranced by the melancholy scene, the odd beauty of the atmosphere that surrounded her. 

 "What are you staring at?" Richard's voice echoed from behind me, causing my whole body to shoot up in the air a little yelp escaping my mouth. Instantly I gripped the curtains that surrounded the window, nearly pulling them closed to mask the sight that I was looking at. He stared at me, his eyebrows raised, a curious look plastered on his face, his blue eyes scanning my expression. He began to walk over to me, my fists began to scrunch up the curtains within my hand, as he got closer to me and pushed me over a little bit, my body immediately giving up, his hand pushing the curtain away.

 "Oh...Mini Riedel." He murmured, looking over at me. My face burned, scorching from being caught red-handed. 

 "She's caught your roaming eye?" He asked, raising one of his eyebrows at me. I shook my head. _I was only looking at her cause she seemed bothered about something, I was going to go see if she was okay actually before Richard interrupted me._ Schneider then joined in, walking right on time.

 "Roaming eye for who?" He asked, coming towards the both of us. I shot Richard a death glare, while he motioned for Schneider to look at Amora. He peeked through the curtains, a small smile lifting up onto his lips.

 "Roaming eye for Mini Riedel? Oliver would kill you if he found out about this." He joked, glancing over at me, I shook my head yet again.

 "I'm not attracted to her! I was just worried about her since you guys couldn't stop staring at her the whole time she was in the kitchen, then she just abruptly walked out. Am I not allowed to be worried?" Richard smirked.

 "Well if you are so worried then why don't you just go out there and ask her what's wrong instead of just staring at her like some sort of mass murderous stalker." This caused Schneider to burst out laughing, clutching his stomach as my face turned a deep red.

 "...Maybe I will." I muttered, opening up the back door to exit into the backyard, sliding the door closed behind me. She didn't turn her head to the sound of the door, so I assumed that she was wearing earbuds, I made my way over to her and took a seat on the metal chair. She glanced over at me a slight smile appearing on her face, while she turned her attention back to the lookout. I reached up, taking one of her earbuds out, gaining her attention. The rain began to soak through my shirt, her eyes staying on mine. 

 "Are you alright?" I asked gently, my throat feeling scratchy because of how low I was talking. Her eyes scanned over mine, a small nod providing an unsure answer to me. She leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest, bringing her other foot up onto the chair, her knees now up against her chest. Her arms resting on top of them. We could've sat there forever, and I wouldn't have cared at all. The water could drown us and we would still be sitting in these metal chairs, right beside each other. I reached over, grabbing the earbud that was dangling freely. Her hand immediately popped up, the cold skin against mine, stopping me from putting it into my ear.

 "Are you embarrassed by the music you listen to?" She shook her head, slowly letting my hand go, her face going a faint pink, as I placed the earbud into my ear, letting the symphony race through my mind. The angelic violins bursting into the silence of my brain, 

 "What is this?" I asked, not taking her for the symphony type, she dug into the pocket of her sweater, pulling out her iPod, showing me the screen that read 'Symphony No.3 E-Flat Major, Op. 55 "The Eroica"' I closed my eyes, letting the intensity of the violin build up, my heart almost beating through my chest to the beat of the music. I could feel her eyes burning into my cheek, my eyes glancing over at her.

 "It's not my type of music, but it's beautiful," I commented, her face only turned a deeper red, I think if we were a little closer I could probably feel how hot her cheeks were. The scar on her cheek glistened with the rain and her green eye shimmered in the dim atmosphere. She took the earbud out, my eyes glancing at the wrist guards she wore, probably cutting off what little circulation she had. I felt the earbud slip out, as she retreated back to sit comfortably in the metal chair. 

 "Why are you wearing those?" I motioned to her arms that were now covered by her sweater. She glanced over at me and shrugged, shaking her head back and forth. _She either didn't want to answer or she just didn't have a reason to give me. Chances are she just didn't want to answer._ I sighed, sitting back.

 "Okay...If you don't want to tell me I won't press you for answers." I informed, my hair now dripping with the rain that was now coming down like a facet in a shower. She turned her head away from me. I opened my mouth to say something, being interrupted by the door sliding open.

 "Hey, guys. Maybe you should come in before you get sick." Paul yelled over the hard, and thunderous rain, my eyes went over to Amora, looking as if she wasn't going to go back in. _Maybe she just wanted to be alone and I was intruding._ So I stood up, my bones cracking at the abrupt movement, and retreated back into the house, shaking the excess water off of my soaked clothes. Several droplets fell onto the hardwood floor, Schneider coming towards me with a pile of towels. 

 "Where's Mini Riedel?" He asked, handing me one of the towels. I placed it on the side table, prying off my shirt, wrapping the warm fluffy towel around me.

 "She's outside...I think she just want's to be alone." I replied, drying myself off. Schneider walked over to the window, peering out of it with concern laced on his face. I dragged the soft towel over my shoulders, wrapping it around me. 

 "How long do you think she will be out there for?" He asked quietly, I shrugged.

 "I don't know...But I think it's best we leave her for now, and wait until she comes back in, just leave the towel near the door." I emitted, leaving him at the back door.

 ------

 I don't know what was coming over me, I guess I had to take my daily dose of medication for today since I completely dismissed it this morning, maybe that's why I was feeling so gloomy. I stayed outside a little while longer, the rain coming down harder and harder, soaking me down to my bones, my whole body shivered, yet the only thing I wanted to do was stay out there and freeze until I fell asleep or passed out, _maybe if I passed out I wouldn't have a nightmare, that would be a plus._ I wrapped my arms around my knees, cuddling into them, a loud rumbling of thunder ringing through my ears, a loud whipping sound accompanying the lightning that sparked through the dark, cloudy sky, my mind fading in and out of flashbacks. 

  _I could feel myself shaking from the gurney that I was on, being dragged towards the entrance of the hospital, My chest felt like it was caving in, my breathing rapid, my body craving oxygen urgently. I could feel a tube down my throat, rain dripping onto my face. I felt the burning sensation, my face pulsing with the most undeniable pain, the vision in my right eye nonexistent. My head tilted to the side seeing a black blanket that covered a body beside me, immediately I screamed, not having a single care that it was painful, I just needed to know that what I was seeing wasn't true. I screamed even louder, the nurses pressing my shoulders down against the gurney so I wouldn't move. My chest burned and ached, sending me a sign to stop or else the pain would only be worse. The hand that hung out from beneath the blanket, blood-soaked on the knuckles, the skin looking charred like he was burned._

_"We need to sedate her." One nurse yelled I shook my head, reaching my hand out to the body that was near me, screaming against the tube over and over again, tears and rain mixing together. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my arm and the little sight that I had slowly faded off into a large blur. That was only the beginning._

I closed my eyes tightly, biting down on my knee, letting the tears fall down my face freely. _I need those pills._ I wiped my face off _before I do something that I will never be able to undo._ I got up from the metal chair, dragging myself to the backyard door, sliding it open. A fluffy white towel laying on one of the closest tables. I reached over, and unfolded it, putting it over my shoulders, continuing to shuffle over to my room, the accompaniment of water dripping from my sweater onto the hardwood floor. I went right past the kitchen, not seeing anyone in there.  _They must have gone out._ I gripped the railing, skipping steps up the stairs to get to my bedroom a little faster so I could make this disgusting ball of emotions stable. I didn't want to be depressed, I wanted to stop it, I wanted to make every single memory go away...But that is only in fantasies. It will never go away. I pushed open my bedroom door, instantly grabbing my pills, shaking every single one, the tablets accumulating in the palm of my hand, including a Valium as well. I rushed to the bathroom, putting the mouth full of medication into my mouth, gulping some water from the facet, washing the cocktail of relaxers down, letting it flow through my stomach, melting away into my bloodstream. A small sigh escaped my lips, my eyes ignoring my reflection, as I went back to my room, every thought in my brain slowly disappearing. I opened up my top drawer pulling out a baggy long sleeved Ramone's t-shirt, and some sweatpants, slipping the dry clothing onto my bony body. I moved my hair in front of my cheek to cover up my burn, and proceeded to go downstairs, going towards the lounge, taking a seat on the puffy couch, I switched on the television, Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo providing some sound and light to the nearly dark living room, since the storm outside was brewing quite heavily. I laid down, putting my arms under the pillow, cuddling into the softness of it. I felt my body relax slowly like I was melting into the fabric. I curled up into a ball, slowly closing my eyes, my consciousness cutting in and out, hearing a little sigh. 

 "Frau?" Till's voice boomed, the floor creaking under his feet, I could hear him walked towards me, the sofa shifting under me. I opened my eyes slowly, making eye contact with him. An apologetic look on his face. 

 "Sorry. I didn't think you would be asleep." He murmured taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch. I sat up keeping my eyes on his, shaking my head a little while I yawned. I placed my pillow beside him, noticing a small curious look in his eye, as I laid my head on it, curling up into a ball again.

 "What are yo-." He didn't even have to finish the question, as I took his large, muscular arm, and placed it over me. An unfamiliar feeling of safety being provided through the position that we were in. I slowly closed my eyes, now feeling comfortable enough to give into the tiredness that my body had created, hoping that I would get some sort of sleep without having a horrific nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took so long to update. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It would be much appreciated to get some feedback from you guys :) :))


	6. Inhaler

 My brain slowly fluttered out of the depths of my dreams, a loud snore echoing through my ears. _Till was still here?_ I opened my eyes, letting them adjust to the light that was being admitted into the room from the television. I lifted my gaze noticing his peaceful face, his mouth hanging open a little, taking in a deep breath after every snore. His arm still provided the safety and comfort that I basked in, cuddling myself a little closer to him, putting my hand on top of his chapped one that rested on top of my stomach, right above my scar that went straight down the center. My fingertips lightly traced the wrinkles, his fingers twitching against my shirt, he had workers hands, they looked like they had been through hell and back, calloused and rough to the touch. A light cough escaped his lips, his body shifting beneath my head as he moved into a more comfortable position I'm assuming. I glanced back up at him, seeing that his head was now tilted back, his neck fully exposed. I shifted my attention back to running my hand over his. His fingers were so large, probably swollen from the weather since it was so cold. _Winter was definitely close, I could feel it in my joints, he could probably feel it as well._ The rain was still coming down really hard, thunder and lightning echoing outside, _for some reason I felt like I could get used to being this close to him, **but you can't...You know you can't.**_ I shifted a little accidentally causing Till to wake up, a soft groan escaping his lips, his arm becoming heavier. 

 "You okay?" He asked under his breath, I raised my head slowly, seeing his green eyes trained on me, slight concern plastered on his face. I nodded, placing my head back on the pillow. 

 "You sure?" I was about to nod, but my stomach growled loudly, a light laugh escaping from Till's mouth. I could feel my face heat up.

 "Let's get you something to eat." I moved off of him and sat up, as he stood up, his long arms stretching out, reaching for the sky. The sound of his bones cracking makes me cringe, his eyes were closed tightly, he let out a loud sigh, reveling his large green orbs yet again. He glanced over at me, noticing the look of slight disturbance on my face. 

 "What? You haven't cracked your bones before? You're looking at me like I just ate a little chicken in front of you." I smirked, rolling my eyes at his comment, while placing my hand on the arm rest of the couch, pushing myself up, a light clicking being heard from my hips. A searing pain shot through them, I clenched my eyes closed, a small hiss escaping my lips, I could feel my head spin a little, a light feeling of nausea flowing through my stomach. Till stuck one of his large arms out, catching me quickly, the other one helping me regain my balance. 

 "Are you sure you're okay?" I nodded, the motion only causing the dizziness to worsen. The room spun around even more, my hands gripped his arms as the room slowly faded off from my sight, my body dropping, the last thing I heard being Till's voice.

 "Amor-" 

 ------

 "Amora..." I placed my hand on her cheek, gently giving her head a shake. I brought my fingers to her neck, and through all the dry callouses on my hands, I could feel the slow pulse, her heart beating very faintly. I let out a small sigh, scooping her up in my arms, _need to get her into a bed._ Her head hung limply over my arm, quickly I shifted, so it rested against my chest. Her body weight was almost non-existent, her bones digging into my arms with every step I took up the staircase. Her temperature was almost above normal like she was going to possibly develop a fever, but at this point, my only goal is to get her into her room. I carried her until we made it to her bedroom, _maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I should've left her on the couch instead of bringing her up to her room._ I shook my head, ridding it of my thoughts as I pushed the door open, revealing what was within the four enclosed walls. It was quite clean, nothing out of the ordinary, it was kind of like nobody occupied it. I carried her to the bed, holding her against me with one arm as I drew back the covers, and placed her under them, bringing the blanket up to her neck. Her breathing was quite shallow, which still made me worry to high heaven, I took a seat on the bed, my gaze going over to her bookshelf, my heart rate slowly accelerating. My eyes traced over the lineup of pill bottles, each one making my state of worry increase. I got up from the bed, going over to the shelf, reading each label carefully. All of them were either some form of antidepressants, relaxers, or painkillers, _why did she need all of these?_ I looked over my shoulder, my gaze directly at her, seeing that her back was now facing me. I let out a small sigh, taking one last glance at her before leaving the room so she could rest. _I guess you could say that I am slowly piecing together little things about her, but I'm so confused. What brought her to this point? What happened to her? Why won't Paul or any of the guys just tell me if they all know? How bad could this be?_ My mind raced, and I don't think that I can calm them down, there was just so many questions that needed answers and chances are she won't give any straight answers. The front door unlocking brought me out of my thoughts, as I walked down the stairs into the living room, seeing Oliver, Richard, Paul, Christoph, and Flake walk in with bags and bags of groceries in their hands, all of them dripping wet from the storm that was raging outside. Instantly I went over to aid them, grabbing a few of the damp paper bags, bringing them over to the counter. 

 "Hey. Do you know where my sister is?" Oliver asked from the living room, his voice travelling towards me. I took out a fairly large amount of dried soup packages from the bag, putting them into the bottom cupboard. 

 "Up in her room." I replied, not making eye contact with him, as I dug through the bag, grabbing the three cartons of eggs that were at the bottom of the bag, going towards the fridge. 

 "Is she alright?" He pressed, while Richard, Flake, Paul, and Christoph began to flow into the kitchen one by one. I only gave him a nod, but that didn't suffice for him.

 "Till...Is she alright?" His voice growing with a stern tone. I glanced over at him and shook my head.

 "How would I know? From what I saw she looked fine, she went upstairs to her room, that's literally it." I lied, leaving out most of the story. Twisting and turning the truth, this gave Oliver the answer he wanted I'm guessing, seeing him walk out of the kitchen, going downstairs to the basement. I looked over at the guys who were shooting intense glares at each other, then finally they looked at me, squinting with concern. 

 "What?" I huffed, turning my back on them as I swiftly took a pack of soup out of the bottom cupboard, making sure it didn't contain any meat. I grabbed one of the small pots filling it up with water.

 "We're just concerned." Richard pointed out, as I turned on the stove, placing the pot on the burner. 

 "About?" I played dumb, covering the water with the top. 

 "Well, you seem a little shaken up." I turned around, leaning on the counter, facing the group, "Mind telling us what really happened?" Christoph prodded. I stared at him, my eyes scanning over the rest of the guys. 

 "How about you guys tell me what happened to her?" I shot back, crossing my arms over my chest, my brain going back to the lineup of pills. They all looked at each other, exchanging glances like they were telepathically communicating or something. Richard shook his head. 

 "She will tell you when she is ready. Oliver told us in a drunken stupor so we shouldn't even know about it, that's why we're not telling you what happened." He explained, which didn't make any sort of difference to me, regardless I still wanted to know. My curiosity was killing me. From behind me, I could hear the water begin to boil.

 "Now tell us what really happened." Richard pressed, I turned around, taking the cover off the pot, opening the package of dry soup, pouring the contents into the water. 

 "She passed out...It might've been due to exhaustion, I don't know for sure. She was hungry before she passed out, which is the reason why I'm making some soup for her for when she wakes up." I answered, telling them the truth, stirring the noodles up as they separated.

 "Is big intimidating Till becoming a softie? Making a little bowl of soup for Mini Riedel." Christoph joked, laughing a little at the end of the sentence. 

 "Till...You know she's here for recovery, not for romance right?" Richard pointed out, hesitantly. Instantly I jumped to my own defence.

 "I'm not trying to get into a romantic relationship with her, I'm just trying to be nice. I don't know why all of you are jumping to conclusions!" They raised their eyebrows at the burst of anger that seeped through me, flowing out into the air with no filter to stop me from making a complete ass of myself. 

 "Then why were you two sleeping beside each other? Couldn't you just let her sleep in your bed, and you took the couch?" Paul butted in.

 "She..." I paused for a moment, thinking about whether or not she would want me to say that I needed to keep her up because she didn't want to sleep. My face began to go red with embarrassment, realizing that I was pretty much caught in a difficult position. 

 "She wanted me to stay, hence the reason I was on top of the covers." I stammered over my words, hoping that maybe it would be a good explanation for them.

 "Well...Maybe you should stay away from her and let her do what she needs to do." Flake suggested lightly, not sounding like he wanted to get into an argument, it was more like he wanted to just put the thought in my head.

 "So what? You just want me to stop talking to her, and start treating her like a patient just like you guys do?" I growled, pouring the hot soup into one of the mugs, putting a spoon and fork in the broth.

 "I can assure you that we are not in a relationship, nor will we be in the future. I'm just trying to be her friend, and take care of her since she doesn't seem to be completely stable." I revealed, walking by them to end the conversation. In all honesty, I couldn't understand why they were jumping to conclusions, I was just doing what any other person would do, which is take care of someone who doesn't feel well. I'm just trying to be her friend and make her comfortable because no matter what, she will be here for quite some time. I walked up the steps, holding the cup tightly so it didn't move around, or drop any of the contents onto the ground. I arrived at her room, opening the door slowly, hoping that she would possibly be awake. I poked my head in, instantly noticing that she was facing the door, her head engulfed in a pillow, still sound asleep, some facial twitches being seen. 

 "Amora." I whispered, closing the door behind me, just enough that there was a little crack of light peeking through the semi-dark room. I made my way over to her bedside, placing the soup on the table, my eyes tracing over to her, hearing a loud wheeze, a cough accompanying this worrying sound. I gently sat down on the bed, taking up the small space in front of her. Almost immediately after doing this I continued to look over her, scanning the relaxed, and semi-peaceful state that she was in, her arm propping her head up from beneath the pillow. I guess somehow the sleeve of her sweater got pushed up, along with a little bit of her black wrist guard, a dark red, almost purplish colour poking out from beneath it. I slowly brought my hand over to the soft fabric, gripping the bottom of the guard, the thing that holds so many secrets, my thoughts were racing, as I began to shimmy it down, revealing more and more of the purplish colour. Every ounce of my being knew that this was wrong, an invasion of privacy and trust, but the only thing I could do was ignore the feeling, trying to reason with myself as to why this was okay to do. Behind that black, circulation cutting wrist guard was a long slash straight across her pale white skin.

 "Oh Jesus." I put my hand over my mouth, completely shocked by the image, I thought my eyes were deceiving me, maybe I was so desperate in looking for answers that I was hallucinating this. I pulled the wrist guard down a little more, noticing a line that was going down vertically. _These were self-inflicted, this wasn't some sort of freak accident._ I couldn't look at it anymore, so I covered it back up, pulling the wrist guard over the scar. Then, out of nowhere, she gasped loudly, opening her eyes, a fit of coughing ensuing. She wheezed, into the pillow, trying to catch her breath, as I peered around the room, noticing an inhaler beside her lineup of pills. _She's having an asthma attack._ I rushed over to the blue puffer, and within seconds I was back beside her, putting my hand under her head, aiding her to sit up as she continued to wheeze and gasp for air. She leaned forward, placing her small freezing cold hand on the back of mine, as she placed her mouth on the inhaler, the worrying noises only growing in volume. I kept my hand on her back, as I heard a small spraying sound, the struggle for air slowly dying down, yet her gasping and wheezing was still predominant. Her soft hand was tightly pressed against the back of mine, causing me to grasp the inhaler against my will. Another spray being heard yet again, her gasps began to die down, making me calm down a bit. I rubbed circles on her back with the palm of my hand, while she caught her breath against the puffer, a tear dripping down my hand, falling off the side of it. She pulled back quickly, looking around the room completely panic-stricken.

 "Hey hey hey...It's okay. You're in your room, it's alright." I placed both my hands on her cheeks, the scarred side feeling very soft to the touch. She took in a shaky breath, her eyelids opening up, revealing her forest green pupil that glistened from the tears that were welding up in the corners, there was so much pain behind them, so much worry and fright flowing through them.

 "You're okay." I reassured, feeling her icy cold skin push my arms down, my hands leaving her face. Her upper lip quivered as she leaned forward, placing her forehead on my chest, a small, meek cry floating throughout the room. I wrapped my arms around her, resting my chin on top of her head, my shirt soaking up the fresh hot tears that she excreted, running my hand down her wavy hair, looking absentmindedly as I listened to her hoarse breathing. Her thin arms wrapped around me, her cold hands laying flat against my back.

 ------

 Till held me against him tightly, as I cried, my brain racing back to the nightmare that just ensued, moments ago.

  _Pain shot through my body as I was brought out of my_ _unconsciousness it felt like I had been sleeping for years. I could feel a tube pumping air into my lungs, forcing me to breathe. I slowly opened my eyes, only being able to see out of one since the other was covered. It felt like the room was spinning, my eyes trying to focus on something. I saw an olive toned blur coming into vision. I couldn't hear anything, her voice muffled and deep, my brain wasn't able to piece the words together, as I struggled to keep my eyes open. I raised my hand, only to feel it drop down onto the hospital bed. Suddenly my ears began to ring, all the rushed footsteps that surrounded me being heard, the squeaking of rubber against laminate flooring causing me to wince._

_"Thank you Jesus." My mother's familiar voice praising the imaginary man up in the sky. She took my hand in hers, holding it tightly in excitement. The bed began to rise, bringing me up into a sitting position so I wasn't staring up at the ceiling._

_"Can you please remove this tube? I want to hear her voice." I instantly noticed that my stomach was flat, a searing, almost unbearable pain shooting through it. Where was she? An overbearing sense of panic shot through me, shaking me to my core, knowing the odds of the reply. I looked to my mother, then to the nurses, one heavy set female coming towards me, placing her hand on the tube._

_"Okay honey, please stay still." She warned as one nurse held a bowl under my mouth. The plastic, oxygen providing ventilator was pulled out of my mouth soon after, sliding out of my throat, right when she removed it I threw up, **the bowl then made sense to me.** My throat ached, begging for water, I wanted to speak, but it felt like I couldn't use my voice. So with all my will, I brought my hand up, miming to my mom that I wanted to write something. It took her only a few seconds to look for a piece of paper and a pen from the hospital, placing it on the pullout table, putting it right in front of me. I lifted my hand, trying to grip the pen, I gave up part way through, just letting the pen glide with little pushes. I pushed the piece of paper to her, tears already filling my eyes seeing my mothers face drop. _

_"I'm so sorry Amora...They couldn't...They couldn't save her." She stammered. Immediately my cries filled the room, my whole body shaking with so much emotional and physical pain. My mom climbed into the bed beside me, wrapping her arms around me, pressing my head against her chest as she held me tightly against her, holding me, trying to calm me. My baby was gone._

_"It's all going to be okay Amora. I promise everything will be okay."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harsh emotional chapter. The flashbacks are slowly weaving together.


	7. An infinite feeling of guilt.

 I laid against the headboard, Amora's cheek resting against my chest, her head rising and falling with the deep breaths that I was taking. I pushed her hair away from her face, lightly tracing my hand over her smooth cheek, her eyelids masking her presumably blood shot eye from all the crying that she had done. She had definitely fallen asleep by now, her breathing shallow and slow. I shifted beneath her, a small whimper escaping her lips, as her thin arms tightened around me.

 "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, don't worry." I whispered, she dug her face into my chest, releasing a shaky breath, her arm relaxing at my reassurance. A small knock came from the door several moments later, my body immediately tensing. _Please don't let it be Oliver. Please don't let it be Oliver._ I repeated the phrase over and over in my head, hearing the light creaking coming from the door, Paul poking his head in, his eyes met mine, confusion and concern plastered on his face.

 "Chto sluchilos?" _What do you think happened Paul?_ I sighed, noticing that he was speaking in Russian just in case she was awake. He looked down at her as I replied as quietly as I could, hoping that she didn't speak or understand Russian. 

 "U neye byla panicheskaya ataka, i ona plakala, ona ne khochet otpuskat' menya, poetomu, ya dumayu, ya budu zdes' nenadolgo." In translation I explained it very simply, mentioning the panic attack and crying, as well as the fact that she didn't want me to leave. Paul nodded.

 "YA pokroyu tebya, no ty dolzhen mne." _Thank goodness I had him on my side._ I gave him a small nod, still holding her against me. A small kind smile appeared on his face, as he backed out of the room, gently closing the door. I let out a sigh, going back to lightly tracing my hand down her cheek, trying not to stare at her semi-peaceful state. After several moments, her face twitched slightly, her nose crinkling a little. She took in a deep breath through her nose, letting it release shakily, the air instantly cooling the small puddle of tears. 

 ------

 "Will you be taking a week or two off from the studio to come home for Christmas?" My father asked, I could tell he was full of hope, knowing that the answer was probably a yes. _Which it was._

"Of course. The whole band probably wants to be with their families at that point of time. Amora will definitely be excited to see you g-." Almost instantaneously I heard my dad groan.

 "What?" I inquired, pressing him to tell me about why he just let out that groan. _Did he not want to see her? It was Christmas time, maybe being around family would cheer her up._ A small sigh muffled through the phone.

 "We can't bring her...We invited Warren, Alicia, Albert and Michella's parents." I took a seat on one of the recliners.

 "So what? You just want us to leave her here by herself?" I felt angry, and somewhat betrayed, _we're going to leave her alone for Christmas, and when she wants me to give her a reason what am I going to say? 'Oh sorry, Amora the family doesn't want you to come over so you're just going to be all by yourself.'_

 "Dad...You really want her to be alone for Christmas? You really think that's a good idea? You know this time of year is very depressing, and as the highest suicide rate right?" I pointed out, conjuring up a point in his head for him to think about.

 "But not everyone would be in the same position as her if she were to come and have Christmas dinner with the parents of her dead friends." I was caught off guard by how blunt he said that sentence, and it only turned the rage up a dial, making me even angrier than before.

 "It wasn't her fault dad. The parents need to realize that...And you do too." I spat bitterly. My dad was a man of stubbornness, there was no way in swaying him out of a point of view, if he thought one way, he will fight to the death to defend that view. 

 "Do you really think they would want to see her Oliver?" He asked seriously, a sound of anger lacing his voice behind the question. _Stay strong Oliver. Say something back_ _dumb ass._

"They need closure. Maybe once they see her they'll forgive her. Warren was her fiance for the love of god. They're religious aren't they, don't they teach people how to forgive?" I reasoned _I'm great with reasoning. Debating? Not really, but still._

"Oliver...Stop. She isn't coming, and that's final. Maybe someone from your band can take her during that point of time, but I can assure you that if you bring her you will regret that decision." _He didn't say that in a threatening way, it was mostly to strike fear into me, but I'm now old enough to not be afraid, Ithirty-twotwo years old for the love of god._

"Fine. Fine fine fine. I hope you feel guilty for the rest of your life for shunning your own daughter." That's when I cut the conversation short before he said anything back, slamming the phone onto the hook. I let out a loud grunt of frustration and anger, rubbing my face with the palms of my hands. 

 "Sounded like a heated argument...You alright?" Paul asked, walking by me, taking up a spot on the couch. I dragged my hands down my cheeks, releasing another groan into the air.

 "I'll take that as a no..." I Sat back, seeing him sipping from a dark blue mug, "Tell Paul what's wrong." He motioned to himself, referring to himself in a third person form. I sighed, calming myself down before explaining the situation to him.

 "Amora and I's father...He doesn't want me to bring her home for Christmas. So no-." Paul interjected at the mention of Amora not going back home for Christmas time.

 "Jesus...Your father's an asshole. Is he expecting you to leave her here all alone for the holidays?" He lifted the blue mug to his lips, his eyebrows furrowed, an angered expression being seen.

 "He wants one of you guys to take her for that point of time." I could see Paul's facial expression soften slightly, like he was thinking about options. It was like someone punched him in the face when he had a suggestion.

 "What about Till? They seem to enjoy each other's company." Immediately I shook my head. _I could imagine Till and her stuck together in the same house for a week. Just the thought of it made me shiver. He would probably end up getting agitated with her, he's not one to have company all the time. Once in a while he will accept it and stuff, but overall he just enjoys being alone. Her being there will just be an invasion of privacy._

"Till would end up killing her and throwing her out into the snow to freeze Paul. You and I both know how much he values his personal space and privacy." I pointed out, laughing a little. 

 "No...He seems very fond of her actually. I really don't think he'll mind." My laughing subsided, seeing that he was actually being serious. He seemed like he knew something as well, like he was trying to contain the facts that he had stored in his memory. 

 "...Are they involved with each other or something?" I asked, _knowing the answer was going to be no of course. If it was a yes I would have to immediately stop it from happening. She was here to recover, not to become romantically involved with someone, since it would only make the process even longer than it is now._

"No. Of course not. I was only suggesting him because he's quiet and he'll probably keep to himself for the time they're together. You won't have to be worried about her either, since he's a protector, and he won't let anything happen to her...He's your best bet basically." _He did make a valid point._ I shrugged, _I'm a little unsure about his answer though. It might be a no for all we know, we could never be too sure with Till._

"And if he says no I'll just take her." He added, a small smile on his face. I gave one in return, letting it disappear slowly.

 "...How do you think she'll react to this though?" I asked worriedly, Paul shrugged.

 "If it was me I would be angry, frustrated...Possibly sad. Her own father is shunning her. The whole family is shunning her actually, and it's all because of someone else's mistake, it's completely unfair." He explained, "But she might not react at all...She seems like she has her emotions in check." I rocked back and forth in the chair, nodding in agreeance,

 "Yeah, but that's mostly because she takes pills to level them...Antidepressants, relaxers, so on and so forth. If you met her before everything happened she would be completely different. She used to be very quiet, but if you spoke to her she used to come out of her shell. She had such a bubbly personality, and was so talkative." I reminisced about the old days in my mind, _we used to get along, now every time I look at her it's like she doesn't have any sort of interest in catching up with me._ I sighed.

 "I suggest that when you bring this topic up to her you should ease into it, don't just flat out say it." I nodded.

 "I think I'l just tell her now." I began to stand up, and instantly Paul did as well stepping in front of my path.

 "Oh...Maybe you should just put it off for now. Wait until she wakes up y'know?" He seemed panicked, his eyes darting around the room. A confused look appeared on my face.

 "She's slept long enough. I think it would be okay if I woke her up to tell her." I informed in a matter of fact tone, going around him. I could hear him basically chasing after me, as I strode up the stairs, _it was like he was trying to hide something from me,_ and this only made me pick up my pace, wanting to know what he was trying to cover up. I rushed to her room, reaching for the doorknob, instantly Paul's hand went on top of mine.

 "What are you hiding from me?" I asked accusingly, staring him down. Paul rarely had any telltale signs of lying, but he looked nervous which wasn't like him at all. His eyes darted around, not looking at me directly.

 "What are you hiding?" I growled, he shivered, sliding his hand off the doorknob.

 "Go ahead...Just...Don't get mad at what you're about to see." He commented, my jaw clenched as I twisted the handle of the door, pushing it open with all my frustrated might. Amora laid comfortably in her bed, the dark blue covers pulled all the way up to her neck. I glanced over at Paul, who began nervously laughing. 

 "Just kidding around. Sorry if I scared you or anything." He joked, giving me a friendly tap on my bicep. I squinted at him as he hopped off, disappearing from my sight. I decided to ignore the little outburst and proceeded to walk into her room, picking up the notepad that was on the ground. _She must've dropped it._ I took a seat at the foot of her bed, the mattress not even moving an inch when I placed myself in the empty space.

 "Amora...We need to talk." I voiced, shaking her shoulder lightly. A soft groan being released, her eyes slowly fluttering open. She raised one eyebrow, and squinted, sitting up, her hair almost standing up on edge. She reached out and took the notepad and pen out of my hands, writing something down quickly. _'Was?'_ The red ink shimmering in the light. 

 "I want to talk about this Christmas situation." She glanced down at the notepad, motioning to what she had already written down. I sighed, not wanting to do this, but knowing that I had to.

 "Our dad called..." I stared, seeing her eyes immediately dropping down, averting her gaze, "And he said that...You can't come home." I broke it to her as gently as I could, without sounding too harsh. I knew that in those moments I couldn't look at her, fully realizing that she was probably going to start crying. I heard the pen scrape on the paper, her hands forcing the notepad into my sight. _'Are you saying that I'm going to be alone for Christmas? I'm not able to see my own fucking family anymore either?'_ I can sense the anger from the page floating up and hitting me right across the face. 

 "It wasn't my choice Amora." I exclaimed, hoping that she would understand. She grabbed the notepad angrily writing. _'Well maybe you should've fought a little harder. What am I going to do all by myself, do you know how depressing that is?'_ I frowned looking over at her, tears flooding her eyes, drowning them. 

 "Well I thought maybe one of the guys can take you..." I suggested quietly, she grabbed the notepad quickly, throwing it back at me fairly quickly. _'I want to see my family, Oliver. I just want to be home.'_ My imagination raced, remembering how her voice sounded, how she would've said it. 

 "I know you do...But you can't." She wiped her cheeks off with the back of her hand. _'Why?'_ I contemplated telling her the reason, knowing that if I didn't tell her the truth she would probably figure it out in the end.

 "Dad invited...Warren, Alicia, Albert and Michella's parent's." Her mouth slowly dropped open, the pen falling from her hand at the mention of their names. She wiped her damp cheeks off, taking her lips between her teeth, biting down hard as if she was going to draw blood. She lifted the notepad, bringing it over to her, noticing that she was now putting more thought, taking a few seconds to breathe. She turned it to me. _'...I figured they wouldn't want to see me after what happened.'_ I shrugged, not being able to provide an answer that she would be satisfied with.

 "They need to learn forgiveness. What happened was not your fault, and I know you live with that guilt every day. You will never live it down, but if they forgave you maybe it would bring closure to all parties." Our eyes met, her gaze leaving mine immediately, as she scribbled a reply. The pen dragged smoothly against the paper, turning the notepad to me. _'The only way that they would get closure is if I died as well.'_ I shook my head.

 "Don't say that Amora...They don't think that, the loss is still fresh for them." She nodded. _'But it isn't like I'm not mourning as well...I watched my friends die, I lost my baby, and everything was ripped away from me Ollie...It feels like I'm gone already...So what does it matter? If my death can make their parents gain closure I am willing to do it.'_ Her thoughts worried me, my eyes peering over to her shelf of pills.

 "Well...You won't have any sort of opportunity to do that..." She wiped the tears with her sweater sleeve, letting out a shaky sigh. _'What do you mean?'_ I sighed.

 "I mean that one of the guys will be taking yo-." My ears catching the sound of Till's bedroom door creaking open, "Till! Can you come here for a second?" A few seconds of silence passed, seeing him poke his head into the room, his eyes sneaking a glance at Amora, his usually harsh stare softening when he saw that she was teary-eyed. 

 "What's going on?" He asked gently, stepping in fully, holding the golden doorknob in his swollen hand, leaning on it a little. Amora's eyes were glued to him when I glanced over at her, so I proceeded to explain my proposal.

 "Amora can't come home with me during Christmas. Our dad has refused to let me bring her back...SO I was hoping that you could possibly take her with you?" He looked over at Amora, some sort of feeling that I had rarely seen in Till's eyes being seen, _sadness._ He glanced over at me a few moments passing by before he gave the both of us an answer.

 "Yeah...That's okay with me. I'll be keeping my mother company anyways, so she'll definitely be okay with having another stomach to fill." A small smile appearing on his face as he told us his plans. Amora's eyes were fixated on him, and mine were on her, she tore her eyes off of him, writing something down on her notepad. She lifted it slowly _'It sounds okay...'_ She showed it to Till as well, his smile only growing. _I've never seen Till smile so much, he's never wanted company before._

"Well...I guess it's settled then?" My voice raised in confusion as I looked between the two for a straight answer. 

 "All good with me...Is it okay for you?" Till asked, the both of us looking over at Amora. She thought for a few seconds, and gave a small reluctant nod, seeming unsure of herself, but there was some sort of agreeance as well. I smiled at the both of them, clapping my hands together.

 "Well, then it's settled." I exclaimed a smile plastered on my face, my eyes going from Till to Amora. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think of the chapter?


	8. Mutter

 I sat on the cold hardwood floor of my room packing up my clothes in a duffel bag. _T_ _he weeks leading up to Christmas were uneventful to say the least. The whole time I was contemplating giving my dad a call, and yelling at him, it would be totally worth it to break that vow of silence just to ream into him for a good five maybe ten minutes. I needed to control myself though, even though I felt like I had been betrayed by my own family at this point. They didn't want me to be around them, and it was like they wouldn't even be able to look at me in the eyes if I was there, my mom especially._   _She had been there for me throughout the time in the hospital, and after my attempt...She had given up, which was the reason why I ended up in that rehabilitation center._ I threw one of my sweatshirts into the bag, a light sigh slipping out from my lips. A gentle knock interrupted my actions, my gaze turning up to see Till, who leaned against the door frame, a kind smile on his face, his green eyes watching me closely.

 "You almost ready? Flight to Leipzig is in an hour." He informed, I nodded, getting up from the floor, cracking my back in the process, I could feel his stare still glued on me, instantly jumping at the opportunity to grab my duffel bag for me. I stopped him in his tracks holding my notepad up, _'Don't worry about it, I'll grab it after I cover this thing up.'_ I motioned to the scar.

 "I don't think my mother would care all that much about a scar Amora. She'll probably be so distracted by your lovely personality that she won't even notice." I blushed at his comment, raising my eyebrow a little at the confidence that he had somehow conjured up suddenly. I wrote down a reply, my hand being a makeshift table. _'Oh really? Not even you know my personality...So how do you know it's lovely?'_ He let out a small laugh, his face turning a deep red.

 "I just have a feeling I guess." He replied simply, his eyes locking onto mine, we stood there for a few seconds, it was like the green was turning several different shades the more I looked at them, the brightness shimmering into a bluish colour. His pupils almost took up most of the green, entrancing me, like he was casting me under a spell. There was something in the way he looked at me in this moment, that made me feel something, it wasn't a romantic type of feeling, it was like I was normal again, like nothing in my past had ever happened. He cleared his throat a little snapping me out of my racing thoughts that were jumping all over the place.

 "Now...Let's get to the airport before we miss our flight." He reached around me, swiftly grabbing my duffel bag, carrying it off with ease. I followed him quickly, my feet not being able to keep up with his fast strides. His footsteps could've woken the dead, or the guys, if they were still here. _They had all left last week, which left me and Till all alone. It kind of felt like I was the only one living there though, I rarely saw him leave his room, only for bathroom breaks and food._ I got to the main level, Till already holding my leather jacket, I rolled my eyes letting out a little sigh, sliding my feet into my converse, while I wrote on my notepad messily. _'We're going to make it for the love of God, stop rushing.'_ I showed him the paper, signalling for him to hold it as I put on my heavy jacket.

 "I'm not rushing. It's just the fact that if we miss the flight my mom will kill the both of us." He exclaimed, picking up the duffel bags. He moved off to the side motioning for me to open up the door for him, the cool winter air hitting my face. My eyes burned at the brightness of the landscape due to the snowfall that occurred last night. Till locked the door behind us, the snow crunching beneath our feet filling the overbearing silence. He placed the bags in the back of the car, as I got into the passenger side of the car, taking a Valium out of my pocket. Right before I could even let the pill touch the tip of my tongue, Till entered the car, his eyes immediately fixating on what I was about to do. One eyebrow raised, as he held his hand out.

 "Hand it over." I glanced at the blue pill, then back at him, "Come on." He added motioning for me to give it to him, I sighed, placing it into the palm of his massive and swollen hand, he opened the door, throwing it into the snow.

 "Off we go." He murmured, putting the keys into the ignition, starting the engine up. 

 We arrived at the airport in record time, my chest feeling like it was going to cave in at any moment during the little excursion. He parked relatively close to the entrance of the bagging area, yet it was completely crowded by raging fans, holding posters, books, papers, and sharpies. Till ran his hands through his hair, pulling on his sunglasses and moving up his scarf. We exited the car, a bunch of people calling for his attention. He took both bags out of the trunk, holding them with one hand, offering me the other one. A confused look appeared on my face as I looked up at him. 

 "You and a pile of fans doesn't seem like a good mix, I'm not holding your hand just for the hell of it." _He had a pretty good point. I would probably end up getting eaten by the flock of people and get lost in the crowd._ I slid my hand into his, gently gliding my fingers between his swollen ones, the roughness of his skin scraping against mine sending shivers down my back. He stood in front of me, as he led me through the loud, overly excited crowd of people, he stopped to get some photo's with a few people before making the excuse of us being late for our flight. Somehow the fans understood, giving us some space to enter the warm building, our hands still entangled together. I didn't really care about it, and I guess he didn't either since he still kept his hand engulfed around mine. _I was quite shocked about the fans being so respectful about personal space, even though I did see several people taking photos of him and I, which was understandable._ I got distracted by looking at them whispering, seeing some of them jumping with excitement and pointing, as Till put our bags down to check them in. I began to feel my nervousness kick in again, a craving for my relaxer fluttering throughout my system, _why did Till have to throw that pill out of the car?_ I pulled his hand down a little, gaining his attention.

 "Hmm?" He murmured looking down at me. I took my hand out from his, taking my notepad and pen out _'I need a Valium.'_ I slowly turned it to him, his eyes scanned over my writing, instantly shaking his head. 

 "You'll be fine without it." He murmured, _this is basically torture. I needed those pills._ I frowned quickly replying to this comment _'Till I need them.'_ I raised the notepad in front of his stare, he sighed.

 "Amora...You don't need the pills to calm you down." _Yes I do. It's not an addiction. My brain just races so much that it just brings me back to my accident, then I wouldn't be able to stop my panicking, and at the end of the day I would end up embarrassing myself, which is something I don't want._ I stared into space, not knowing what to write back to Till. He slid his hand back into my free one, gripping it tightly. 

 "You'll survive a two hour flight." He murmured, guiding me to the entrance of the plane. _Not unless I have a fucking panic attack._ He brought me to my seat, several people exchanging glances with both Till and I, as he took the window seat. I sat beside him, leaning away from him a bit, feeling a little rattled, even though he was just trying to get me off of them. _I know it is scary to see someone like me popping pills back like a crazy person, but I need them, they're part of the process of recovering. I'm in pain all the time and I feel panicky every single moment when I'm not taking a form of pill._ I shifted in my seat, resting my chin on the palm of my hand, still not facing him. 

 "Will everyone please buckle in their seat belts. We are about to take off." The sound of the flight attendants voice made me jump out of my seat. I composed myself quick enough that Till didn't notice, as I got back into the same position. I clicked in my seat belt, struggling to tighten it, my hands shaking a little. In my view I could see Till's hand come into my vision, moving mine out of the way, he slowly pulled the fabric of the seat belt, letting it fit snug around me. I ignored him, peering into the isle, seeing the flight attendant rolling the cart down. She stopped right beside me, her eyes burning into my face. I could tell she was trying to tear her gaze off of me. 

 "I'll have a shot of whiskey." Till murmured, "Do you want one?" He asked. Immediately I shook my head. _I thought it was quite noticeable that I didn't drink, and I will never drink._ The woman handed him the shot, and two seconds later I saw the glass being handed back to her. The flight attendant gave a small smile before going on her way.

 "Prepare for take off." A voice warned, speaking clearly into the microphone. I took a deep breath, calming my heart rate down. My body began to heat up due to the nervousness that was running through me in that moment, I leaned back in the chair closing my eyes letting out a long shaky breath. 

 "Amora...It's gonna be alright. We're gonna be up in the sky in no time." He reassured, placing his large hand on top of mine, the warmth engulfing it. The plane began to move, my chest tightening, like some sort of force was pushing against it. My ears popped, feeling myself move back, my stomach twisting and turning making me feel nauseous. The turbulence was very harsh on me, something that I didn't feel when I was on the plane with Ollie when we were travelling from Germany, _cause I took a Valium before I left._

 "Almost done..." Till whispered, my ears popping one last time before all those terrible feelings washed away. I let out a long sigh, rubbing a little sheet of sweat off my forehead with the hand that wasn't under Tills. 

 "You alright?" He asked quietly, running his thumb over my knuckles. I nodded, leaning back in the chair. He turned my hand over, his rough finger running across my palm lightly like a feather. I glanced over at him, his pointer finger dragging across the dark pink scar.

 "Where did you get this from?" I took out my notepad from my pocket placing it onto my lap, pulling the pen out as well. I had to take my hand away from his so I could write a reply down. _'My friend and I made a blood oath for fun...It was a promise that we would be friends forever.'_ I tilted the page to him. 

 "What happened to thi-." He stopped mid-sentence, noticing that I was already writing down a reply. _'She passed away'._

 "Oh fuck...I'm...I'm sorry I didn't know." I shook my head, turning away from him, my memory taking over. 

  _Smoke clouded my lungs, the heat beginning to creep up on me._

  _"Alicia!?" I called out, coughing loudly._

_"Amora...Oh thank god...Are you okay?" She replied coughing as well, wheezing for air._

_"I don't know...I can't see anything in front of me. Are you okay?" I asked back, my lungs wheezing, practically begging for fresh air, as tears streamed down my face. Warren, Albert and Michella were passed out by this time, it was only Alicia and I who were fully conscious._

_"Yes I think so...I'm feeling a little light headed." My bottom lip quivered as my chest and ribs pulsed with pain. Suddenly I heard the loud explosion._

I wiped the tears off of the corners of my eyes, hearing Till's soothing voice.

 "I'm really sorry Amora..." He whispered. I shook my head, keeping my gaze off of him as silence over took us. 

 It wasn't long before we found ourselves taking a taxi to Till's mother's house, which was where we would be staying until the first week of January. There was a light dusting of snow on the ground, making the landscape breath taking. 

 "My mother's name is Gitta. She doesn't like being called mam." I nodded, understanding her preference, _most ladies didn't like being called that since it made them sound like they were old._ The driver turned down a slightly deserted road, no houses being seen for miles. _She must've liked being this isolated from everyone...I could definitely see that resemblance between her and Till._ It took around fifteen minutes of driving until we arrived at the nice rustic house, which was covered in snow. The atmosphere around it looked quite open, the house had plenty of windows, yet they were frosted over, yet it looked breath taking. The car stopped, Till and I both taking out our bags from the trunk. The door front door of the house opened, and his mother stepped out, her red hair tied up in a tight bun, a large smile plastered on her face accompanied by a pair of glasses that hung on her nose perfectly. Till immediately dropped his bag and ran over to her, giving her a giant bear hug, lifting her up off the ground. 

 "Ich bin so froh, dass du zu Hause bist!" She exclaimed excitedly, hugging him back.

 "I'm glad I'm home too." He placed her down on the ground, as I brought the bags over to them. Her eyes traveled over to me, her smile still plastered on her face. 

 "Oh Till. Who's this?" She asked, her eyes scanned over me, taking in all of my features. I looked up at her, seeing the green color that he must've inherited from her. I felt Till's gaze looking down at me.

 "This is Oliver's half sister Amora." He introduced me, she held out her hand, and I took it instantly, giving her hand a shake.

 "Such a wonderful name for such a pretty girl." I felt my face heat up, completely caught off guard by her compliment. She looked up at Till, her smile still strong and bright like it could light up the world within the darkness.

 "Come in, I was just making some coffee for myself." She proceeded to turn and walk towards the house. He let out a small sigh.

 "Told you she would like you..." He commented as he grabbed the two duffel bags off the snow filled ground. We entered the warm house, removing our shoes leaving them on the doormat. I looked around the cozy house, which was painted several different colors, the living room had a fireplace and two comfy looking couches, as well as a oak antique looking coffee table between them. There was a nice sized dining room, that had a table which extended into the kitchen which looked quite small, but nice enough to cook in comfortably.

 "Mutter. Where do you want me to put our bags?" She poked her head out of the kitchen.

 "You can put Amora's bag in your sister's room, and your's in your old room." _Separate rooms? Nice one Gitta._ Till nodded, going up the long flight of wooden stairs, carrying the bags, I decided to make my way to the kitchen, handing my leather jacket over my arm. Gitta leaned against the counter facing me. 

 "How old are you sweetie?" She asked curiously. I took out my notepad, writing down nineteen, handing it over to her.

 "Wow...Nineteen." She repeated the number, a bewildered smile on her face, "Do you not speak?" I shook my head, seeing that her emotion of overwhelming happiness didn't change. I'm guessing she was just curious about what was up with me. Personality wise, I could draw comparisons from her and Till. They both had the same demeanour, she seemed like she could probably be serious at some points of time, and be intimidating just like him, but on the inside, she had a warm and soft heart.

 "Would you like some coffee?" She asked, motioning to the coffee maker. I glanced at the pot of dark brown liquid, the smell of the fresh beans flowing through my nostrils. I nodded, watching her turn around and grab three mugs down from the cabinet. I leaned against the frame of the kitchen watching her graceful movements as she poured the coffee into the mugs, distributing it evenly.

 "Boo." Till whispered, causing me to gasp. Gitta looked over at Till and I, eyebrows raised.

 "Don't scare her Till, you nearly gave her a heart attack." She mumbled, her eyes following him as he opened the fridge up and took out the carton of cream, pouring some into all three mugs. His mother handed him the sugar. He took one spoonful.

 "Two sugars right?" He glanced over at me, one eyebrow raised. I nodded, feeling an awkward silence starting to kick in.

 "How is the album coming along?" His mother asked, starting up a new conversation. I looked over to Till seeing him stare absentmindedly at the coffee mug as he mixed the sugar into the coffee. 

 "Um..It's been coming along. You know how stressful it can be to write sometimes." He replied. I wrote down a question in all caps so Gitta could read it, _'Do you write as well?',_ she nodded.

 "I'm a novelist. Till's father was a writer as well...So I guess you can tell where he honed his skills from." She explained, Till let out a sigh, handing her a cup before giving me one. 

 "Yeah...I definitely got it from him." He said the word him with such distaste, _he never mentioned anything about his father, and on the other hand, if they didn't have a good relationship it was definitely going to be a rough two weeks for him._ We all took a long drawn out sip from our mugs, standing in silence, leaning against whatever object we were closest to. Gitta looked over at Till.

 "Say that with more enthusiasm next time, it didn't sound believable." She spoke sarcastically. _It was definitely going to be an entertaining two weeks._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think of the chapter? I would love to know where you guys think this is going. I wanna hear theories. :)


	9. Broken Frames

 After the coffee I went up to my temporary room, walking into the semi deserted atmosphere of it. There was little evidence that this was actually someones room, yet it looked quite cozy, the bed was nice and small, only enough to fit one person which was what I liked. I went over to my duffel bag, unzipping it slowly,  _where the hell were my pill bottles?_ I grunted in frustration, remembering that Till brought my bag up for me. Instantly I went for the door opening it only to see that he was already there. I furiously wrote on my notepad _'Where are my pill bottles?'_ I showed him it, shaking the paper in front of his gaze, making it known that I was quite frustrated.

 "I took them." _I thought that the whole not taking the pills would only be necessary for the car and plane ride. I need my antidepressants, I need my pain killers, I need every prescription that I have been given, they all have their own purpose._ I quickly wrote back _'Why?!'._ He let out a groan.

 "Amora...You don't need them. If you go without them for two weeks I can assure you that you won't need them anymore, cause once you stop you will not need them ever again." He replied. _I don't have to stop taking them. I understand it seems like I'm addicted, but I'm only following my prescription requirements._ I wrote down a reply _'Fine. You want me to be in pain? Okay then!'_

 "You're overreacting." He shot back, rolling his eyes. _'No I'm not!'_ I showed him the page, before backing up into my room, and closing the door in his face, ending the conversation.

 "Can't even have an adult conversation." He muttered, the floor creaking as he walked away from the door. I began to unpack my bags completely, filling the empty drawers with t-shirts, sweaters, tights, jeans, and undergarments. My chest was hurting, tightening with every breath I took, _I don't know how I'm going to get through two weeks without having a mental or emotional breakdown._ I pushed the drawer closed, letting out a small sigh, going over to the small bed, placing myself on top of the covers, curling into a ball. I wheezed a little, taking my puffer out, covering my mouth with my hand, coughing heavily against it, _god that didn't sound good_. I pulled my hand back, seeing light specks of dark red blood on my palm. I wiped it off on my sweater sleeve, a small sprout of worry blooming in my stomach _._ I gasped a little, garnering some more air, taking my head off of the pillow, _here comes a coughing attack_. I coughed a little harder this time, wiping my mouth off as I made my way to the bathroom, opening the door across the hall, turning on the light. Immediately closing the door behind me, coughing freely over the sink, blood splattering all over the white porcelain. I let out a little groan, wiping some of the thick blood that slipped between the cracks in my lips. The irony taste of the crimson blood ran over my tongue, causing my stomach to turn with disgust. I stood up straight, glancing at myself in the mirror, my forest green eye scanning over my blood splattered cheek. _This hasn't happened in so long._ I quickly tied my hair up, turning the cold water on, running my hand under the water splashing my face with it, the water turning a light pink, as my eye watched it twist and turn down the drain. I cleared my throat a little, my breathing quite predominant, the high pitched wheezing echoing through the bathroom. I dried my face, hearing a small knock come from the door. 

 "Amora...I brought some nice cold water up for you so you could clear your throat." I opened the door a little, peeking out into the hall, seeing Gitta standing there with a clear glass of water in hand, her large smile plastered on her face. I widened the crack, now being able to see her completely. She handed the cup to me, and proceeded to bring her thumb up to the scarred part of my cheek, rubbing it gently.

 "You had a little bit of blood." She informed, as I took a large gulp of water, the cool liquid slipping through my system, ridding the irony taste out of my mouth. 

 "Are you okay?" She pressed gently, a look of concern plastered on her face. I shrugged, taking my notepad out of my pocket. _'I don't know...I think I am. This has happened to me before, but I'm alright.'_ She nodded.

 "If you need to talk about anything I'm here." She reassured, "I'll call you down when dinner is ready." She warned, briskly walking away from me. I took another large gulp of the water, swishing it around in my mouth before swallowing. I rinsed out the sink, before making my way back to my room, closing the door behind me. I looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table, seeing that it was only 5:12 in the afternoon, yet the only way my room was lit was by the snow outside, since it was completely dark. I took a seat on the bed, deciding not to lie down, fearing that I would end up going into a coughing fit again. Now I was alone with my own thoughts, the inescapable memories surrounding me. 

  _I laid in the bathtub, the warm water surrounding me. I kept my head raised, my eyes looking up at the ceiling. **Let these pills kick in.** I was bleeding out, and overdosing, yet the white light wasn't appearing, there was just constant pulsing pain, it just wouldn't end. My heart rate slowed down. Then a sudden jolt of energy exploded through me, hearing the door burst open. My mom let out a loud gasp._

_"Oh no. No no no." She rushed to the side of the tub, "What have you done?!" She yelled, grabbing my face between her cold soft hands, her thumbs running beneath my eyes, I felt like I had no control of my body, as my head lulled backwards. She wrapped her arms around me, bringing me froward. She looked around the bathroom, the empty pill bottle, which was in the trash can, catching her eye immediately. I wanted to keep my mouth closed, but I was left with no control, my mouth hanging open loosely. My mother took her cellphone out of her pocket, dialing the ambulance as she stuck her fingers down my throat causing me to throw up. **Now there was blood AND vomit floating in the water.**_

__ _"My daughter, she's bleeding out, I need you to send an ambulance please!" She hung up the phone, pulling my arms out of the warm water. I grunted trying to take my arms out of her tight grip, she slapped me across the face._

_"How could you do this!? You just want to take your life aw-." That's when I began to see the white light, my body going completely numb. Her voice began to drown out, like my ears turned off. **As you can tell though...That light only meant that I passed out.**_

__ I sat on my bed, staring down at my wrist guards, sliding them off slowly, looking at the dark red, almost purple scars that laid across and down my pale skin. I ran my hand over the soft, numb flesh, tracing over them with the tips of my fingers, part of my arm filled with indentations from the wrist guard because it was so tight, and I rarely took it off. I rolled down my sleeves, letting a long sigh escape from my lips, a shiver shaking throughout my body. I got up from the bed, noticing that I had blood on my light green sweater from coughing. I immediately felt a wave of panic hit me. _No no no not Warren's sweater._ I got up rushing towards the bathroom yet again, slamming the door behind me. I pried the warm cover off of me, the cool air hitting my skin, as I turned on the cold water, taking my notepad and pen out of the pocket, putting the blood stained spot under it. My breathing accelerating, watching the dark crimson color begin to spread even more, eating up the light green color of Warren's prized sweater, _one of the good memories that remained of him for me to keep._ I felt tears form in the corners of my eyes, rubbing the fabric together rapidly. I could've been there for hours just rubbing it together until I let out a loud grunt of frustration, throwing the sweater down. The tears flowed down my face at a rapid pace, taking in a sharp breath, as I wiped my face off with the back of my hand, trying to silence my soft cries. A small knock echoed through the room.

 "Amora...Are you okay in there?" _It was Till. **Of course, it was Till.**_

__ \------

 I stood outside the washroom door listening to her sniffling, a few minutes passing. I was about to turn around and leave, but the door opened revealing a sweaterless and scarred up Amora, her cheeks soaked with tears, the paleness of her face drowned out by redness.

"What's going on? Why are you crying?" I asked stepping into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. She lifted up her green sweater, my eyes catching a peak of a few healed scars on her rib cage, as she turned it to me, seeing a large red stain. _She was crying...Over a stain?_

 "It's okay. It's alright. No need to cry." I reassured, unzipping my hoodie, handing it over to her so she could cover herself up. I moved by her, picking up a spare towel from the rack, laying the sweater out on the counter, seeing how large the stain really was. _It still wasn't anything to cry about, but I would understand why she was angry._ I grabbed the towel within my hand and patted the stain seeing the red blotch lifting from the light green color. 

 "Where did you get this stain from?" I asked, glancing over my shoulder at her, noticing a look of guilt highlighted across her face. Immediately my gaze travelled down to her notepad, watching her write down an answer. She turned the page to me _'I don't know. I just noticed it right now.'_ She wiped her cheeks off another round of tears cascading down her face. I continued to press down on the stain, seeing the white towel turning a light pink. For some reason, I felt some sort of satisfaction, _probably because somehow I was calming her down in a way that wasn't noticeable to her._ I continued to press down on it, putting as much weight as I could on the sweater, until I felt pretty satisfied with my work, peeling the towel off. The mark had faded quite a bit.

 "I'm going to put it in the wash before you wear it again." I informed, showing her that the stain was pretty much removed. She let out a sigh of relief, her hand resting on her chest, as she caught her breath. I folded it up, placing it on the empty space on the counter, a small feeling of guilt eating at me, from the short argument we had about the pills. I turned back around, noticing that she was holding the sweater against her nose like she was breathing in the scent that lingered on it. 

 "Look...I'm sorry about taking your pills away, you had and still have every right to be mad at me." Her dark green eye looked up at me, a tinge of acknowledgement being given, before she took out her notepad and pen. It only took a few seconds until she showed me her neat handwriting printed on the page _'I know what you were trying to do, and I appreciate that you care. You're right that I need to get off of them, so you don't have to give them back to me...I need to battle everything by myself and for myself without relying on a whole mixture of unknown chemicals.'_

"You know you don't have to battle it all by yourself. You have people that care about you..." She shook her head, leaning against the wall, writing on the notepad yet again. She seemed so focused until she turned it to me. _'The people that care are the people that need to. They feel obligated to. My parent's feel obligated to live with what I did, they feel guilt, and they feel ashamed of me. I know deep down inside they do. If I wasn't their daughter they probably would've blamed me just like the others.'_ My curiosity began to boil within my stomach, a sense of fear washing over me, thinking of how mad she might get if I asked her what happened to her. So I didn't ask.

 "I don't think I'm obligated to care about you. I don't feel ashamed or guilty of doing so...And I definitely don't feel like I need to care, but I do." I replied honestly. She wrote down a reply quickly _'You don't feel that way because you don't know what happened.'_ I tore my gaze off of the notepad, staring directly into her eyes.

 "Then tell me what happened and we can see if my feelings change." As you can tell I was trying to coax her into spilling what happened, but it didn't work, she was too smart, and I could sense that she was always one step ahead of me. _'I'm not stupid Till...It's better that you guys don't know.'_ _ **Oh boy, if she ever found out that the other guys knew she would probably murder Ollie with an axe or something since she was so adamant about hiding the incident.**_

 "Okay...That's fine...But just know that I care about you because I _want_ to care about you. It's not because I have some sort of secret obligation to Oliver." I informed her, pushing off the counter, grabbing the damp sweater off the counter, "Dinner is almost ready, so you should start coming down." I added, slowly slipping out of the bathroom. 

 ------

 I wrapped my arms around myself, holding the baggy hoodie against me, the minty, citric scent radiating off of the soft fabric, the metal zipper grazing the scar on my stomach. I let out a shaky sigh, grabbing my notepad and pen before turning off the light in the bathroom and exiting into the hallway. _Maybe I should change out of this...What if his mom gets the wrong idea?_ I went to my room, taking the dark blue hoodie off, hanging it up on the back of the door, as I searched for a long sleeved shirt, digging under the piles of sweaters, until I found a dark red one, pulling it on as soon as I got it out. 

 "Amora. Food is ready." Gitta called out, while I exited my room, closing the door behind me. Quickly I walked down the stairs, going over to the small enclosed space that the kitchen provided, looking at the nice set of food that was laid out on the counter. Steamed veggies, some lightly glazed steak, roasted potatoes, _basically it was more like a buffet, for three people._ Gitta had the bright smile on her face as she walked by me with wine glasses between her fingers. She placed them on the table, a bottle of wine in the center, I walked over to one of the empty seats, claiming it quickly, staring at the wine glass. Gitta brought the food out, as she took a seat as well. Till walked towards the table putting a bottle of water in front of me.

 "She doesn't drink wine with dinner?" Gitta questioned, placing some potatoes into my plate. 

 "No. She also doesn't eat meat..." He replied, seeing that she was about to put a piece of steak into my plate. He took a seat in front of me, his green eyes scanning over her. She sighed, piling his plate high with all the food that she had prepared, the smile still plastered on her face.

 Dinner wasn't that interesting, Gitta and Till talked the whole time, trying to catch up. I could tell there was some sort of unresolved problem between them, the way they spoke seemed safe, like they were dancing around a certain subject. The conversation seemed so unnatural, and somewhat forced. At one point Till was just giving one worded answers, like he was trying to shut down the conversation, yet Gitta still pressed on, forcing the awkward interactions to continue. Once we were done eating Till quickly made an escape, leaving us to clean the dishes, which wasn't too bad. Gitta began to make conversation with me as I cleared off the table.

 "I'm sorry you had to watch us like that...Till has a tendency to get into this mood." Her voice was low, placing a few plates into the sink. I followed behind her, taking my notepad out of my jeans. _'It's okay. You were trying to talk to him, he is your son after all.'_ I showed her the page, as I grabbed a dish cloth so I could begin drying the pots in the rack. 

 "I guess he just doesn't like reminiscing about his father still..." She murmured, turning on the hot water. I placed the pot on the counter, writing a reply down quickly, _'Where is he?'_ I showed her the page, seeing her movements completely stop, her eyes glancing up out the window, watching the snow slowly flutter through the atmosphere. 

 "His father passed away from stomach cancer in 1993...He didn't have a particularly perfect relationship with him, but I think the loss was just too much for him. He loved his father so much, but there was a lot of unresolved issues...Things that they both regret that were never spoken about or apologized for before he died." She explained, her voice cracking a little bit as she brought the back of her hand up to her face, wiping a little tear off the corner of her eye. _'I'm sorry.'_ I showed her the page, an apologetic look on my face. She shook her head.

 "It just breaks my heart that he still dawns on it." She murmured, putting the stained plate under the steaming water, dragging the rough side of the sponge against it, the bright white suds of the soap engulfing it. We stood there in silence, just the sound of the water running being heard, once in a while the sound of plates clanking together echoed through the room. When we were done, Gitta instantly went to the living room, taking a seat in front of the fireplace, reading a book that she pulled off of the coffee table. I didn't really know what else I could do, so I returned to my room, walking by Till's in the process. I changed into a pair of plaid pajama bottoms, and decided to pull on the hoodie again, the deep, citric cologne engulfing me. Slowly I made my way to my bed, laying down so my sight was aimed to the ceiling.

 I think I laid there for hours, not being able to sleep, thinking about so many things, my mind clouding with my darkest memories, and the thoughts of Till's relationship with his dad. I turned onto my side, tempted to put my pillow over my head and suffocate myself so I could pass out, yet my brain was brought out of these thoughts by a distinct and loud crash. I shot up immediately, looking around my bedroom, it sounded so close that I thought I was just hallucinating, until the same noise echoed though my room yet again. _It was coming from Till's room._ I rose from the bed, tip toeing to his bedroom door, hearing his heavy breathing coming from behind it. One more crash rang through my ears, which drew the line for me, my instincts taking control of me as I opened the door. My eye adjusted to the dim lighting of the room, seeing Till surrounded by broken glass, and cracked picture frames, his face in his hands with his knees almost up against his chest. I heard him breathing in shakily, a loud sniffle accompanying the sound. Carefully I made my way towards him, stepping over the large shards of glass that surrounded him. The photos that were scattered on the ground had a little boy and presumably his father in it, the both of them smiling brightly. _Was the little boy Till?_ I picked up the photos, stacking them all together, my eyes wandered around the room seeing some nails sticking out of the walls, _probably what the frames were hanging on._ I stepped over some broken glass that surrounded Till, putting the photos down on the bed. I crouched down in front of him, suddenly realizing what he had done. Blood ran down his knuckles, all the way down his arms, the dark crimson liquid covering part of his forearm. I reached out placing my hand on his arm, my fingers tracing up and down, signalling to him that I was there. He sniffled loudly, leaning back against the wall to look at me. I could tell he saw my concerned expression, as I stared at the cuts on his knuckles, seeing that they were bleeding profusely, a few shards of glass sticking out of them. 

 "Don't worry about it." He croaked, his voice sounding like he had been crying, or was in the process of doing so. I felt him try to pull his hand back, but I used all my power to keep it in my vision, placing both my hands on either side of the one that was bleeding. I heard him sniffle even louder, my eye glancing up at him, seeing a tear falling down his left cheek, my heart sinking. His harsh exterior was a curtain to cover up how broken he really was, and deep down inside I felt terrible for him. I slid my hands from his, placing them on his stubbly cheeks, the prickly hairs grazing against my palms. He closed his eyes tightly, some tears dripping onto my hand. I got onto my knees, moving a little closer to him. I leaned down, placing a chaste kiss on his forehead letting my lips linger on his soft skin, before pulling him against my chest, wrapping my arms around his neck. His tears soaked through the fabric of the hoodie, as his large arms wrapped around the small of my back, pressing me against him tightly, a small cry escaping his lips. I felt so much pain in those moments because of how tight he was holding me, but I tried to not focus on it, distracting myself by gently running my hand down the back of his head, over his soft hair. He sniffled, a light cry escaping his lips against his own will. I dragged my hand across his shoulder, all the way down to his bloodied arm, as I moved back a bit. I looked down at him, noticing that his eyes were puffy, and probably red from crying. 

 "You...You shouldn't see me like this." He murmured, taking his left arm off of me, his shaking hand wiping the damp streaks off his cheeks. I shook my head, taking my notepad out of my pocket, quickly replying to him _'It's okay Till...But we need to wash and bandage that hand though, and clean up this glass.'_ He nodded, the both of us standing up slowly. He towered over me now, his eyes looking away from me, as I dragged him towards the washroom, his heavy feet following me, avoiding the glass just like I did. I turned on the light, pulling him into the enclosed room, before closing the door behind him. I grabbed some gauze, medical tape, disinfectant, and tweezers, and took a seat on the counter, placing all the items beside me. 

 "Amora you really don't have to...I could do it myself." He insisted, while I reached down and brought his hand up into my vision completely ignoring what he just said. I soaked the tweezers in the disinfectant, staring at the shards of glass that stuck out of his knuckles, his hand looking way more swollen than usual. I began pulling the small pieces out from the cuts, throwing it down the drain of the sink, looking at the light bruises that had started to form around them. I swung my legs back and forth, feeling Till's eyes burning into my face.

 "Have you done this before?" He asked curiously, as I placed the tweezers down beside me, soaking one of the towels in disinfectant. I shook my head, dabbing the cloth over the bleeding cuts, holding his hand up with mine. Once I was finished, I wrapped his hand up in gauze and secured it with the medical tape. I did the same with the other one, and let out a small sigh of relief when I was finished. I washed my hands, ridding them of the blood that was stained on my skin, and got down from the counter, hearing Till leave the washroom. I put everything away, and took out my notepad, leaning against the frame of his bedroom door. He emptied out the dust pan that was filled with shards of glass, piling the broken frames up in the corner of the room. He let out a groan, doing one last look around before noticing me. I made my way to his bed, his eyes following my movement, as I stood at the foot of the bed. It was about the same size as the one that was in my room, and was probably only able to fit one person in it, but it could fit two if you really tried. I motioned for Till to get into the bed, having a terrible feeling that if I left he would probably end up breaking more things. He looked at me for a few moments before giving in, getting under the covers, pulling them up to his shoulders. I got in behind him, putting my arm over his muscular body, his warm temperature surrounding me. I pressed my ear against his back, feeling his hand slip into mine holding it tightly. I don't know how long I waited for until his heavy breathing softened, and his muscles relaxed, but when it did I felt completely relieved that he was now asleep. I traced my thumb over the back of his hand, letting out a long breath.  _This was definitely gong to be a night of worry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a tense chapter. There are plenty of things that are going to be reviled soon, I hope you guys liked the chapter, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it. :)


	10. A Contemplation

_I sat in the hospital room beside my father who was sound asleep, hoping that he would wake up. My mother had called the night before telling me that he might not make it after_ tonight, _and that if he woke up he would probably want to talk to me. My mom sat beside me her hand on top of mine as I kept my eyes on him. The nurse would walk in once in a while, checking his vitals, a mournful look plastered on her face. I could tell that she knew what was going to happen, which just made my state of mind worse, knowing that he was going to be gone by tonight. The beeping of the heart rate monitor was slow, and rhythmic, providing me false hope. My mother got up for a few moments._

  _"I'm going down to get some coffee...Do you want anything?" I shook my head, keeping my eyes glued to my father, the blood in his face drained from it, his skin pale white. She nodded, walking out of the room. I felt tears weld up in my eyes, pulling my chair closer to his bedside, placing my hand on his arm._

  _"Dad...Please, I need you to wake up." I whispered, a tear forming in my eye. I heard him take in a large breath, "I love you." I added, feeling my cheek dampen. The beeping from the heart monitor began to slow down, every_ fiber _of my being breaking with how long it took to make the same noise. Then...He flat lined._

  _"Dad? Dad! Please wake up." I yelled standing up from my chair, shaking him a little bit. He didn't move a muscle and that loud_ siren like _noise didn't subside. I remember my mother coming into the room, my crying rough and hoarse. When I saw her I instantly engulfed her in a hug, letting out a loud whimper against her shoulder. She ran her hand up and down my back._

  _"I just want him to wake up mom..." She hushed me, trying to calm me down from the emotional trauma that was occurring before her eyes._

 ------

 "Please..." I heard him whimper, immediately garnering my attention. I sat up a little bit, looking down at his tear stained face, I slipped my hand out on his, bringing it up to his stubbly cheek, drying them gently, before dragging my hand across his scarred skin, pushing his hair back. 

 "Dad...Wake up." He begged, my heart sinking down to pit of my stomach. Repressed memories. I gave him a little shake, trying to wake him up, so he didn't have to be in that nightmare anymore. He didn't even budge though, his cries only growing louder. "I can't...He...He can't be gone." I shook him a little harder this time, causing him to gasp for air, his eyes opening, shooting around the room as if he didn't know where he was. There was so much fear within his greenish-blue orbs until they looked into mine. I placed my hand on his cheek, keeping his gaze on mine. He took in a shaky breath, slowly calming down, a tear rolling down his cheek, staining my skin.

 "I didn't mean to wake you." He whispered, oh for fuck sake...I turned over, my hand leaving his face, as I grabbed the notepad off the bedside table. 'Don't feel bad...I was already awake Till.' I tapped his face, his eyes slowly opening, reading the paper. He didn't say anything so I added another sentence 'Are you okay?' He let out a small sigh, holding me against him as he turned onto his side, facing me, he didn't dare look at me, seeming somewhat afraid to reply to me. 

 "I'm fine. I-It was just a nightmare I guess." I raise my eyebrows, writing 'It didn't seem like it was just a nightmare Till.' He glanced at the page, a small sigh escaping his lips, his hands quickly wiping away the remaining tears that stained his cheeks. I sighed 'If you need to talk about it...I'm listening.' I raised the sheet up so he could see. He released a small sigh into the air, and leaned forward, placing his head on my chest, my arms wrapping around his neck. I kept my eye on him, watching him take in a deep breath.

 "My dad passed away from stomach cancer back in 1993...I hadn't spoken to him for a while, especially after I left his house to go learn basket weaving. I didn't think he would miss me which was why I didn't tell him that I was leaving. O-O-Our relationship wasn't really the best, it was a whole miscommunication pretty much...Then he published this book, and I was all hurt about it, which..." He paused, glancing up at me a bit, before placing his head back against my chest.

 "Which just made our relationship worse...When he fell sick though, and my mother called to tell me, I pushed off going to see him for a little bit...Then for some reason I decided to read that novel, and I started to realize how stupid I was...I-I-It helped me see his side of the situation, and when I read the ending...I felt terrible." He sniffled, holding me tightly, as a tear soaked through the hoodie. I grabbed the notepad, writing down on the page. '...What was the ending?' I showed him the page, before he dug his face into the soft fabric again, taking in a deep breath.

 "He came home from work one day, and the house was fairly clean, and partially empty...I remember doing this because I had several things scattered around the place, and they were pretty big I guess. He wrote that he was happy that our relationship began improving, which it was, we were starting to open communication lines and actually talking. He was so angry and disappointed that I got up and left like that, and when I read that...And was actually able to comprehend how much I hurt him, I began to feel guilty. So I went to visit him, and when I did he looked so exhausted, and he would usually be asleep. One day I left the hospital to get a change of clothes for myself and my mom called, and broke the news that he probably wouldn't make it to the next night. The whole day I stayed beside him...Hoping th-tha..." His voice quaked under the overwhelming emotions that crashed over him. I held him tightly, giving him a light kiss on the temple, running my hand up and down the back of his head.

 "I'm...I'm sorry Amo-." I hushed him, resting my chin on top of his head, rubbing his bicep through his sleeve, trying to calm him down as much as I possibly could without the use of words. He cried for a few minutes before finally taking a shaky breath in, composing himself enough to continue the story.

 "I-I-I was hoping tha-that he would wake up...Then w-w-within the hour, he was gone." He stuttered, "I didn't attend his funeral, because of all that built up guilt, and I haven't even seen his grave site to this day for that reason." He reveled, sounding completely embarrassed and guilty. I knew exactly how he felt, since I have experienced this already. I was in a coma when they buried my friends, and because I went into rehab after my suicide attempt, I never got the chance to visit their grave sites, and the guilt lives with me every day as well. 

 "I'm a horrible son." He muttered bitterly, his voice muffled by the hoodie. My heart broke at the severity of his overwhelming guilt, knowing exactly how he felt. I pulled back a little. 'You are not a horrible son Till...Everyone makes mistakes, and we all have to live with the guilt no matter what.' His eyes stared up into mine.

 "And what are you guilty of?" He whispered. I knew he was going to ask me that. I sighed, pulling away a little bringing up the notepad. 'Causing the death of my friends...' I raised the paper up to him, showing the page to him. I felt so frightened for him to read the sentence, knowing that he would probably want to question me even more, and press further, but he didn't even say anything, he just laid there in silence for a few moments, before reaching his hand up to the burnt side of my cheek, his fingers lightly tracing it.

 "Is that where this was from?" I could tell that he knew it was a very sensitive subject to ask about, which was why he was so cautious about asking. His fingers felt rough against my skin, feeling the tips running down the scarred tissue gently. I nodded slowly, not wanting to reveal what happened, _I feared that he might see me as some sort of murderer if I told him, and god forbid I lost him_. His eyes moved away from mine.

 "I have a feeling you don't want to talk about it..." I shook my head, pulling my cheek away from his hand, noticing the look of sadness in his eyes shooting through the electric green color. He let out a small sigh, shuffling back a little bit, the warmth of his body leaving me. I reached for my notepad, thinking of what I could write, hoping that maybe I could try to explain why I wouldn't tell him. I could feel Till watching me, as I pressed the pen to paper, piecing words together carefully. _'I'm just scared that you're not going to look at me the same...Which is the reason why I don't want to tell you. You're one of the only people that I could actually talk to without feeling judged, and I don't want to change that...'_ I showed him the paper, his large hands taking it out from my grip. His eyes went over my writing a few times before handing it back to me.

 "If you can actually talk to me without feeling judged then I don't know why you can't just tell me..." I averted my gaze. _'Because I'm scared, and nobody, not even Oliver knows what exactly happened...He thinks he does, but he doesn't, you would be the only one.'_ I looked at the page, and turned it to him. His eyes scanned the page carefully.

 "Well...If you ever decide to talk about it...I'll be ready to listen at any time." He murmured, sliding his arm over my torso, pulling me closer to him, hearing him let out a long sigh. I felt so small against him, as his broad, toned chest raised and fell under me, with each breath he took. I looked up at him, somehow his chin was now able to be placed on the top of my head, _our roles completely reversed._ I slid my arm over him as well, placing my head against his chest, the light beating of his heart echoing through my ears, the sound was so quiet yet it just made me want to hear it even more. A sudden hiss pulled me out of my trance, my eye looking up at him.

 "Don't worry, my knuckles are just sore." His voice vibrated against my skin, the deep rumble shooting through me. His eyes trailed to his hoodie that I forgot I had on. A small, unfamiliar smile appearing on his face. "I see you like wearing my hoodie." He commented, trying to take away the awkwardness. My face heated up due to embarrassment, his soft laugh resonating in my ears, as I placed my head back on his chest. He finally composed himself after a few seconds, before he let the silence float up between us. I could hear Till let out a small sigh, his body slowly relaxing beneath my arm, _he was probably exhausted from all that crying he did._ I waited until he fell asleep to make my slow escape, just so he wouldn't try to convince me to stay. My eye fell upon the clock, seeing that it was only three in the morning, I slipped out from under his arm, quietly standing up from the bed. I raked my hand through my hair as I released a yawn into the atmosphere. I grabbed the photo's that I collected from the broken frames, and proceeded to leave Till's room, taking one last look at him before closing the door behind me. I placed the photo's in my room and shuffled to the bathroom, desperately needing to rinse my face off with some cold water after that emotionally jarring situation that just occurred. I turned on the light, quickly closing the door behind me. The only thing that was running through my head was how heartbreaking it was to see Till crying like that, all those tears that were shed from all that guilt that was built up inside of him. I stared at my reflection, turning the cold water on, splashing my face with the icy liquid. I sighed, watching my face drip with the clear droplets, _like tears._ I patted my face dry, folding the towel, placing it on the counter. For some undeniable reason I wanted to go back to that bed and cuddle up to him, with his arm around me, and my arm around him. _God what am I thinking!? I can't get close to him, what the fuck am I doing? **You're falling for the guy...That's what you'r-** I am not! I am not! Nope. I refuse. **Then why did you even have the thought of going back to bed with him?**_ I let out a grunt of frustrating, pressing my fist into the counter. _Fuck sake Amora._ I pushed my hair out of my eyes, looking up at myself in the mirror. 

 "You are not gonna be stupid...You're going to completely forget about your stupid thoughts and theories, and you're going to go back to **your** room and get some rest." I whispered, my voice sounding old and grey, like a broken crackling record, _I haven't used my voice for so long._ I forced a small smile and backed up, fake confidence flowing through my veins as I walked out of the washroom, turning off the light. I tried to keep my eye off of Till's door, then suddenly all that stupid confidence evaporated when I heard a light, muffled snore coming from his room. _Oh fuck it._ I b-lined to the door, entering his room, gently closing it behind me before making my way back to the bed. I pulled down the covers, climbing back in beside him. He groaned, placing his bandaged hand on my hip, resting it on some of the exposed skin, his fingers tracing circles around my skin. My body relaxed against him, and gave into the tiredness, my eyes slowly closing. 

 ------

 I awoke from my heavy sleep the next morning, my fists sore, my hands completely unable to move. I groaned, slowly opening my eyes. Amora laid on my arm, her cold body curled against me, absorbing my warmth, _she could steal it all day and I wouldn't mind at all._ I brought my bandaged hand up to her face, pushing a piece of auburn hair behind her ear, tracing my fingertips over her scarred up cheek. _I'm afraid I scared her last night, with all that rage and anger that was going through me, **but she was still here, so that must be some sort of sign right?**_ I slowly slid my hand off her cheek, taking my arm out from under her head as gently as I possibly could. She released a heavy breath, turning over so her back was now turned away from me, a small blood stain on the side of her cheek. I licked my thumb, rubbing the dried up red mark as lightly as I possibly could so she didn't wake up. _It was probably from last night, somehow it must've gotten on her._ I stood up from the bed after taking the blood off her cheek, my hands gripping the heavy covers, pulling them up to her neck, watching her cuddle into them, a muffled breath escaping her lips. I pushed her hair out of her face once more, giving her a light peck on the temple, just like she did to me last night. I pulled back, and quietly made my way out of the room, going down to the main level, noticing my mother was up already, and had a pot of coffee made. She was reading the newspaper, gently taking short sips from her flowery mug. Her eyes met mine.

 "Good morning Till...How are you feeling?" She asked, glancing down at my bandaged hands. I sighed, giving her a light shrug, trying to conjure up a well-rounded answer so she wouldn't be too concerned.

 "I guess I'm alright." She looked up at me, disbelief in her eyes.

 "Till...I heard you breaking things and crying last night...Are you sure you're alright?" She restated the question, placing her mug on the table, as she folded the newspaper so her full attention was on me. 

 "I'm positive, mom." She let out a small sigh, resting her chin on her hand, noticing that I didn't want to stay on this topic anymore. She spun her spoon around in her coffee. 

 "Did you check up on Amora this morning?" She asked concerned. I nodded immediately, possibly even too quick for my own good.

 "Did she wake up when you were breaking things?" Her questions were literally right on track as to what happened last night, and I didn't know whether or not to answer honestly. So I shrugged.

 "Probably...I think it probably scared her, which is why she didn't come and check up on me." My mother shook her head, a small smile on her lips, as she lifted her gaze to meet mine. A confused look appeared on my face, hoping that she would elaborate the little smirk. 

 "That girl...She's brave. She wouldn't be afraid of you, cause it looks like she's been through some terrible things..." She explained, taking a small sip of her coffee before adding an "I like her...And you do as well." I felt my face burn and heat up, my body trying to tone it down. _I was currently confused about my feelings towards Amora. There were points where I really felt some kind of confusing, chest tightening emotion. I could just like her as a close friend, but there is something that is completely going against the natural friendship feeling, it's like a lightning bolt of emotions that shocks through my body when she's around sometimes._ My thoughts were interrupted by my mother's greeting voice.

 "Amora! Good morning. Would you like some coffee?" She asked, raising from her seat, as my gaze traced to her, seeing a small smile plastered on her face, giving me a small nod. I gave her one in return to greet her. _Please...Show me a sign of what to do about this._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this chapter, it was a little bit of a filler mixed in with some storyline at the same time. Everything is coming together very well, and I hope you guys are enjoying it so far. I would love to know what you guys think of this story so far! I would also like to hear your critiques (if you guys have any because I want to know how I could improve my writing)


	11. I'm all ears

 "Till would definitely like that for Christmas." Gitta exclaimed as I held up a rare Alice Cooper Vinyl that was just traded into the local record shop in town. She and I both exchanged a smile at each other, "I got him a new painting set, and bought a cat for him since he's been talking about getting one for a while..." I stopped for a moment, writing down on my notepad _'He paints?'_ I turned the page to her, following her out of the town square. Her lips curled up into a large toothy smile.

 "All the time. The garage has plenty of his work in there. I always saved every painting he did, even when he tried to throw it out." She explained, taking her keys out of her pocket. "He's very creative even out of the whole music aspect. You should sneak into the garage sometime." She suggested, her smile still plastered on her face. _Maybe I will._ I stepped into the passenger seat of the car, letting out a loud sigh, seeing my breath float around me. It was freezing outside, the harsh winter air nipping at my cheeks. Gitta got into the driver's side of the car, turning on the ignition, immediately turning the heat on in the car, and we began driving in complete silence. She tapped her hands on the steering wheel, getting into the left-hand lane.

 "So...How has Till been, he's been avoiding me lately." I glanced over at her, as the car came to a rolling stop. I wrote on the notepad. _'He's been alright. He's been writing a lot, so I steer clear of his bedroom. Apart from that, I don't really see him, I only hear him leave the house at like two in the morning.'_  I showed her the notepad, her eyes going over it before continuing to drive.

 "He used to do that all the time when he was thinking about something...But I've noticed a small change in him lately, and unless I'm noticing it now...I have a feeling it's because of you." She pointed out, a small smirk painted across her face. I looked over at her feeling my cheeks burn with slight embarrassment. I wrote down a reply quickly, as she came to yet another stop light. _'I don't think it's me, I think he's just happier now. He's back home, and it's a relaxing break from recording...'_ She raised her eyebrows.

 "No...He's happy when he comes home, but mostly he's stressed when he's here, yet there's a difference now, and that difference is you." She confessed. My face began to feel like the sun, _his own mother was pointing out something that didn't seem so noticeable to me but was so noticeable to her, and if it could be seen by her, then it will probably be seen by everyone else._ The car began moving again, as we went down the deserted road, that was leading up to the house. "Till needs someone like you in his life...You make him happy." She added, I rubbed my face gently, feeling the heat radiating off of it, as my other hand held the notepad tightly, thinking about what she just said. _A mother's instinct about her son is never wrong._ I glanced out the window, watching some snowflakes falling onto the glass, causing it to fog up. I looked down at the notepad _'Gitta...I'm not good for him.'_ She pulled into the driveway, and sighed, putting the car in park. She held out her hand motioning for me to give her the notepad, I placed it into her palm reluctantly, looking away from her.

 "Give me one good reason why." She placed the paper back on my lap, I averted my gaze, writing my reason down. _'Because of what happened to me, and because of what I did...'_ I lifted the page up showing it to her.

 "Tell me what you did and I'll be the judge of whether or not you'll be good for him..." I looked at her, taking a deep breath before raising my pen and writing on the page, revealing my deepest secret to her.

 ------

 I peeked over the couch noticing Amora's head on my mother's chest, witnessing her crying against her. _What the hell is going on?_ I kept my eyes on my mother reading her lips as much as I possibly could, but the only thing that I knew was that she must've been hushing her, trying to calm her down from the little emotional outburst. _I wonder what happened to make her cry this hard._ I kept my gaze on them as Amora pulled away wiping her eyes off with her heavy hoodie that she was wearing. She was nodding at my mother as she spoke with a very bright understanding smile plastered across her face. My mother motioned for her to come over, witnessing her give Amora a bone-crushing hug, and shockingly she hugged back as well. I felt like some sort of intrusion, so I laid back down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, waiting a few moments until I heard the door unlocking. I sat up glancing over at the doorway seeing my mother standing there, a melancholy smile on her face as she walked over to me, taking a seat on the couch.

 "We need to talk." I got nervous all of the sudden shifting my position to face her completely.

 "About?" I pressed, raising my eyebrows. She sighed, motioning upwards.

 "About Amora..." 

 ------

 I laid in my bed staring out the window, feeling completely drained, yet really relieved that I told Gitta what happened. She completely understood me, and she provided the comfort that I needed, reassuring me that she was always here if I needed to talk to her, _something my own mother didn't do after what happened._ I glanced over at my alarm clock, noticing that it was 12:32 in the morning, _I had fallen asleep after I hid Till's presents, so I guess I had lost track of time._ My stomach growled loudly, urging me to sit up, my back cracking in the process. I kept the warm blankets wrapped around my body, letting them glide on the floor behind me like some sort of ball gown. I poked my head out of my room, putting all the covers behind me before closing the door. I slowly made my way down the hall, past Till's bedroom, I was going to stop to poke my head in, but my stomach was begging for some food, that I desperately needed, so I decided to wait until I fed myself before jumping into the abyss. I walked down the stairs, seeing the fireplace was on, noticing Till laying on the couch. The floor creaked under me, garnering his attention immediately, he flashed a small comforting smile.

 "Hey." He greeted, sitting up from his laid position. I gave him a small wave returning the smile, as he stood up, stretching his arms out wide, his body letting out a little groan. "You haven't been down all day, you must be pretty hungry." He placed the book down on the coffee table, motioning for me to follow him. 

 "We have some leftovers...My mom was going to bring it up to you, but I figured that you needed some rest." He spoke softly, trying to prevent his deep voice from booming through the house. He stopped at the fridge bringing out a shiny metal pot, placing it on the stove top, turning on the burner so he could start heating the contents up. He picked up a spare piece of paper and pen, handing it over to me, I gave him a small smile, taking it out of his hands that were still bandaged from when he broke the picture frames. He walked back over to the stove, turning his back to me, taking the top of the pot off, some steam floating into the air, the scent of vegetable stock surrounding the both of us. He stirred it around gently, looking over his shoulder.

 "Are you feeling alright?" He asked gently his voice full of concern. I walked over to him, leaning against the counter right beside the stove top, so I was looking at his face to face, his eyes not daring to look into mine as he stirred the soup around. _'Yes, I'm alright. Nothing to be worried or concerned about.'_ I showed him the paper, only getting a nod from him as he took the pot off the burner. He moved around me, his body's natural warmth radiating off of it, surrounding me instantly. I could feel his breath on my skin as he reached over my head, grabbing a bowl from the cabinet behind me. His spicy sweet scent, with little accent tones of peppermint, flowed through my head, my heart beating a little bit out of my chest.

 "As long as you're okay." He said under his breath, a small smile appearing on his chapped lips. He walked back over to the stove, the radiating heat leaving my body which was still covered by my blankets. He filled the bowl up with some broth and noodles, carefully handing it over to me. I gave him a small nod, thanking him in a way, as I followed him out into the living room, watching him take a seat on the ground in front of the fireplace. His eyes glistened from the bright orange and red flames, seeing his hair fall in front of his eyes. I made my way towards him, crouching down beside him while balancing the soup so it wouldn't spill. I could feel his eyes watching me, as I cuddled into the duvet facing the fire, staring at the dancing flames. I began to eat the soup, looking over at him once in a while. Once I finished the bowl off I placed it beside me, noticing that Till's hand was now holding out to me.

 "Do you want more?" I shook my head, as he took the bowl out of my hands and placed it on the table behind us, his focus going back to the fire. I held the cover against me tightly, encompassing the warmth in the tight space. We both stared at the flames together in complete silence, only the crackling of the firewood being heard within the room. Slowly I shifted closer to him, that natural musky scent that he radiated coming into my atmosphere. I gently lifted his arm, cuddling into his side immediately engulfed in his warmth. I could hear him let out a shaky breath against my ear, his arms wrapping around my shoulders. I sneakily breathed in his scent, feeling him lay down on the ground slowly, as if he was hoping that I wouldn't object, which I didn't. I opened my blanket up a little putting it on top of the both of us, as I rested my head on his shoulder, the both of us looking up at the ceiling, my leg hanging over his. I involuntarily placed my hand on his chest, feeling the warmth through his shirt. his chest expanded as he took a deep breath in, my head raising with every breath he took. Suddenly he placed his hand on top of mine, pushing it lower, towards his abdomen, or stomach area. He then stopped, making me ball my hand up into a fist, leaving the pointer finger to stick out, then began to guide my finger down a funny feeling indent. I glanced up at him, a confused look plastered on my face. He sighed, taking his hand off mine completely, leaving my hand to wander over the bump freely, his eyes scanning mine slowly.

 "I tore a stomach muscle when I was a swimmer, and that...Was my downfall. I never made it to the Olympics because this took me out completely, you're touching a scar that has harboured so much pain, and anguish through the years...Just like this." He motioned to my face, his hand running down my large scar on my cheek. I stared up at him, leaning into his touch, my eye looking into his large green orbs. I felt such comfort after telling Gitta what happened, that I felt like I was ready to tell Till, my brain was clouded with so much nervousness and stress this past couple of days that maybe just letting it all out to him will actually help me take the next step in getting myself together. I reached behind me, placing the notepad on his chest, he handed me the pen, his eyes staying on me as the pen glided over the paper. _'I think I'm ready to tell you what happened to me.'_ I slowly turned the notepad, taking a deep breath, seeing his eyes going over my writing. A small comforting smile appeared on his face.

 "I'm all ears Amora."  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short chapter. But the next one will definitely be longer. The truth about what happened to Amora will finally be revealed. Be ready.


	12. Skating

_"Amora! You're driving tonight hun." Warren announced, throwing the keys in my direction as I turned to catch them. He only gave me the keys that night because him, Alicia, Albert, and_ Michella _were drinking the whole time we were in the restaurant. I was stuck with being designated driver because I was pregnant, which was the only reason why we were celebrating in the first place. I got into the driver's seat, adjusting it to my body so my bump wouldn't put me in complete discomfort as I drove. I waited for everyone to get into the car, not even thinking about checking if everyone had their seat belts on. I stuck the keys in the ignition, putting all my focus on the road ahead of us, listening to Warren and the rest of them ranting among each other drunkenly. I didn't pay attention to them, I only had one purpose, and that was to get all of us home safely. I merged into my right lane, hugging the curb so I would give the cars on the other side of me enough room since I was driving so slow. We were ten minutes away from our shared house, as we got to one of the bigger intersections. I made a deliberate stop, placing my hand on the gear handle, leaning back in the seat. I felt Warren's hand go over mine._

_"I hope our little girl is as good as a driver as you." He slurred, I let out a small laugh, shaking my head and sliding my hand out from under his._

_"No no...She will not drive until she's_ twenty-four _." I joked, placing my hand back on the steering wheel. This comment made everyone burst into laughter._

_"Says the pregnant nineteen-year-old who is the designated driver."_ Michella _pointed out, giggling. The light turned green, indicating that I could go. I slowly raised my foot off the brake, waiting for the car in front of me to go, which it successfully did. I pressed my foot on the gas, feeling the car push forward. It all felt so usual, I had been down the same road so many times that it was like second nature, then all of the sudden the feeling of normality disappeared. A bright light clouded my vision, the impact of the massive_ eight-wheeler _hitting Warrens side of the car. It felt like the world spun around me, the sound of our tires screeching across the pavement. The airbags went off, colliding with my frail chest, knocking the wind out of me. I blacked out for a few moments, only being pulled out of my unconsciousness when I felt smoke beginning to fill my lungs. A cough escaped my mouth loudly, little droplets of an unknown liquid hitting my cheek. The temperature of the car had raised like there was some fire occurring around me. I tried to move around in the seat, realizing that I was stuck, the seat belt locked tightly around my neck, disabling me from moving. With every slight movement my body ached, signalling for me to stop, it was as if I was causing even more damage the more I struggled to get my arm out from underneath me. I tried to reach for my seat belt until I heard a familiar gasp echo through the car, my senses immediately spiking. A small familiar cough came from the seat behind me._

_"Alicia!" I exclaimed, my chest aching, coughing from the smoke that filled my lungs_ with _that one word. I wanted to turn my head and look at her, just to see if she was okay, but I knew that if I moved, the seat belt would only get tighter which would cut off my oxygen supply._

_"Amora. Oh, thank God. Are you okay?" She replied, panting loudly. Just by the sound of her voice, I knew something had happened back there. I had never heard so much fear, and desperation in someone's voice before, and those feelings were only passed on to me. A few more droplets of the unknown substance continued to fall on me, hearing a loud cry escape Alicia’s mouth._

_“I don’t know…I can’t see anything in front of me…The smoke is too thick. Are you okay?” I began to feel the heat creep up, radiating on my face._

_“_ Yes _, I think so…I feel light headed.” My voice broke, my bottom lip quivering, my chest and ribs pulsing with pain, a wave of nausea hitting_ me _as if it was some sign. Suddenly the car exploded from back to front. I thought I knew what death felt like in the last moments of consciousness, but I only mistook it for my heart being ripped out of my chest._

 I compressed the story on to the notepad that rested on my thighs as I wrote on it. I sat on one side of the couch, not even looking up for a second at Till who was in front of the fireplace, his shadow casting over the walls that surrounded the both of us. I straightened out, my back cracking at the small movement, a light gasp escaping my lips when a jolt of pain shot through me. I struggled to get myself up off the couch, but in the end, I successfully did it, walking over to Till, taking a seat beside him, clutching the covers around my shoulders tightly. He glanced over at me, his eyes peeking down at the notepad in my hands. 

 “…You know you don’t have to show me if you don’t want to.” He spoke up with hesitation in his voice. I shook my head, placing it into his large, dry hands, getting up from the spot beside him, the blanket trailing behind me as I walked to the kitchen. I opened the fridge, my eyes running over the contents of it, before settling for some milk, placing the cold container on the counter. I glanced up at Till, seeing his head was tilted down, the bright light of the fireplace surrounding his figure. I tore my gaze off of him, grabbing a glass out of the dish rack, twisting the cap off the container. I took the cold plastic into my hands, slowly pouring the milk, so I wasn't shaking it all over the place. I felt utterly sick to my stomach, mostly because of nerves. _I was scared that he was going to give up on me like everyone else had. My mom, my dad, my nurses. **Everyone.**_ I shook my head, bringing the glass to my lips, taking a small sip, my throat stinging slightly. I heard Till cough, drawing my attention to him, he had a little comforting expression on his face, the notepad dropping onto the counter. My eyes trailed back to his, a confused look plastered on my face. 

 "Let's do something." He suggested, motioning to the back door. I furrowed my eyebrows, picking up a pen from the counter. _'It's freezing outside.'_ I lifted the notepad, showing my writing to him. He shrugged.

 "So? Put a coat on. Let me find some skates for you." My eyebrows raised. _'Skates?'_ He nodded.

 "Yep. Skates." He repeated, walking out of my peripheral vision. I stood there, listening to him rummaging through the closet, a few things dropping in the process. I smirked, hearing Till mutter 'Fuck' under his breath. I finished my glass of milk, just before he returned with two pairs of skates in his hands. _'Where are we going to go?'_ I showed him the notepad, his eyes tracing over the blue letters.

 "The pond in the backyard is frozen over." He replied, pulling on his skates, which gave him a couple of extra inches in height. I sighed, bending over to put mine on as well, a sharp pain shooting through my hips, as well as my ribs. _I need to slow down with my movements...Sometimes I forget about all the surgeries I have gotten._ I hissed, standing back up instantly.

 "Need help?" I looked up from the skates and gave a small nod. He got down on his knees, grabbing the white shoelaces of the leather skates, pulling on them until it was tight around my leg. He made a little bow with the laces, doing the same to the other one. He looked up from the skates and stood back up motioning for me to follow him. He opened up the back door and helped me out into the large backyard. I eyed the shimmering pond, the cold air nipping at my cheeks, my body hobbling over towards the ice. The sound of the door closing behind me. I shut my eyes, exhaling loudly, the cold air freezing the saliva in my mouth. I coughed on my hand, opening my eyes again. Till gently took my arm, stepping onto the ice with me. If I didn't have Till to steady me, I would've fallen on my ass. I kept my eyes glued to my feet, not daring to look up at him. I'm assuming he noticed this.

 "What happened to you does not change the way I see you. You had no control over the accident, and it was not your fault at all." He admitted. I looked up at him, my eyes scanning over his red, cold bitten face. _I wonder how he sees me..._ He slid his hand down my forearm, intertwining his fingers with mine. Within the cold atmosphere, my cheeks began to heat up, his thumb dragging over the top of my hand, and in those moments I felt like things were looking up for me...And for Till. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this took so long. I got so distracted with a lot of things, but I'm happy that I got this thing up. I would like to say that there will be an update soon, but for now, I'm taking two weeks off because I have to study for exams. I might be able to get small chapters out here and there, but it won't be a full-on four thousand word chapter (my usual). This is way shorter than usual but I wanted to update this one. I hope you guys have a fantastic day, and I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.


	13. Pre-Dinner

 "Amora..." Till whispered, giving my body a gentle shake. "Gitta needs us to go shopping for her. She needs stuff for the Christmas Eve dinner tonight." He added. I peaked up at him and sighed, digging my face into his chest, hiding. His laugh vibrated through my ears, putting his arm over my body, bringing me closer to him, as my cold temperature absorbed his warmth. "We gotta go, or else she will have both our heads on sticks." I pulled my face out of the soft material of his shirt, and rested my chin on his chest, as he looked down at me as well like he was waiting for me to get up before he did himself. I tapped behind him and flipped open my notepad, grabbing a pen that was behind me. You know I can lay here all day. You're not gonna win this one. I showed him the yellow stained paper, a small smirk plastered on my face. 

 "We'll see about that one." He shot back jokingly, before getting out of bed, leaving a giant space that grew cold without him occupying it. A small frown appeared on my face, saddened that he was gone, yet happy all at the same time because I had enough space to stretch out since I am much smaller than Till. My bones cracked and shifted, making my body feel loose, a small sigh escaping my lips. Suddenly Till's arms slipped under my body, lifting me and the blanket off the mattress. I squealed, moving around restlessly, as Till's booming laughter echoed off the walls, I couldn't help but smile as he swung me back and forth being careful not to hit anything. The door opened, and from the entrance I could see Gitta with her eyebrows raised, looking upon the scene, his chest vibrated against me, as he placed me onto the ground, steadying me on my two feet. 

 "Now that playtime is over, can you two please go and get me my groceries, the list is on the counter." Till and I both exchanged glances and nodded immediately. I put my notepad and pen in my pocket as the both of us filed past her, making our way down to the kitchen where piles and piles of Christmas cookies sat, golden brown and freshly baked, steam still flowing off them. I took a deep breath and reached out to grab one. 

 "Ah ba!" Till exclaimed, hitting the top of my hand lightly, a small frown appeared on my face "We always wait until the rest of the family has arrived." I retrieved my notepad, What happens if the cookies came out bad though? Wouldn't she want to know that they tasted good? He smirked and shook his head.

 "My mother is a master baker; she gets nothing wrong...They're always perfect." He replied, grabbing the list off the counter, and the car keys off the hook, motioning for the door. I grabbed one of Till's jackets off the hook, stuffing my arms into the oversized holes, pulling the hood over my head. He snickered, nudging me playfully, as he grabbed the one that he would normally wear, slipping it onto his large frame. The both of us shoved our feet into our shoes hastily 

 "Gitta, we'll be back soon, don't burn the house down." He warned jokingly, closing the door behind him. The cold air nipped at my exposed skin, a shiver racing down my back. I hugged myself, shuffling through the thick snow that had gathered on the ground during the nighttime. It crunched beneath my feet, packing into the soles of my shoes, Till followed closely behind, unlocking the door with the key. The scared side of my face itched but scratching it only made the numb skin sting, so I avoided it, shoving my hands into the deep pockets of the toasty jacket, gripping at the velvety fabric. We got into the car, the both of us shifting in our seats to get comfortable. Till handed me the list and instantly my eyes scrolled down the cursive writing, which almost took up the whole page. She had written a section for me specifically, mostly consisting of vegetables, pasta, and tofu; it _seems like she had a plan in mind for me._

"Are you nervous about tonight?" Till asked, glancing over at me out of the corner of my eye, as he pulled out of the driveway. I slipped my notepad out of my hoodie pocket.  _Of course, I am, I'm meeting a bunch of people that I don't know._ I held onto the notepad waiting for him to get a red light so I wouldn't be distracting him from the road. Swiftly he took the paper out of my hand, placing it onto the steering wheel, looking at what I had written.

 "You have nothing to worry about. My extended family is nice, at least...From what I can remember." He mumbled the last part, my eyebrows instantly raised, _from what he could remember?_ The look on my face said it all. Deep down inside, of course, I was nervous, it killed me on the inside to meet new people, it's just the thought of them staring at me, I still can't handle being under the harsh judgement of somebody who doesn't even know me, but in reality...Who can? Till pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, occupying a spot that was relatively close to the door, so when we were done the shopping we wouldn't have to drag it all the way to the back of the parking lot. The both of us got out of the car, the large fluorescent lights that peeked through the windows, stacks and stacks of food piled high, row after row. The store was warm and welcoming, not too hot and not too cold, nice enough to spend a lot of time there, which was exactly what we were doing.

 Till decided to tear the paper in half, giving one section to me, and keeping the other for himself, indicating that we were splitting up so the shopping could be done sooner. Collecting the items wasn't complicated, but there was plenty of distractions. The cosmetic section was the last stop that I took before making my way to the checkout, my eye scanning over the concealer section, looking for my shade which I had remembered off by heart. I picked up the glass bottle, raising it to the light to be sure I saw the correct colour, before putting it into the cart and making my way over to the checkout where Till stood waiting for me. We piled the items onto the conveyor belt, as the man scanned the things I was attempting to distract Till by writing something down on my notepad, but he was more focused on the items that the cashier was racing through. I knew for sure that he saw the concealer, but I didn't want to bring anything up first.

  

* * *

 

 We brought all the groceries in, seeing that Gitta already had her pots and trays ready and prepped so when we brought everything inside she could get started immediately. Till didn't say anything the whole car ride home, and I could tell that he was distracted by his thoughts. I didn't think to say anything, assuming that he probably just wanted some silence, and the silence was my specialty. Gitta aided us in bringing everything in and started prepping the food, leaving Till to bring up two, long, fold-out tables from the basement, and for me to grab the decorations out of the storage so I could begin setting it up. Candles, fancy cloth napkins, green wreaths, and two bright white tablecloths. 

 "How are you feeling?" Gitta asked while I folded up the napkins, neatly, placing a fork, knife, and spoon inside the little pocket. I slipped the notepad out of my pocket, scribbling a reply. _I'm alright, just nervous, but I'll get over it._ She slipped on her pair of reading glasses, looking over the frames at me, the bright blue eyes that reminded me of Till's boring into mine, "There is nothing to be nervous about. The family will be on their best behaviour." I nodded, continuing the preparations.

 Once everything was done, and everything was prepped, apart from the candles being lit, I decided to go and get ready, noticing that there were only two hours before people began showing up. My nerves were unsettling to me, and my stomach was turning with anticipation. I felt sick, but I didn't want to acknowledge it, thinking that ignoring it would help me focus on the task at hand, which was keeping myself calm. I took my hoodie off in front of the mirror, pulling the concealer out of the pocket before hanging it up behind the door. I turned on the shower, as the water began to fill the bathroom with steam that engulfed me, my reflection distorting into a giant blob. I got into the shower, soaking up the warm water, the droplets trailed down my spine, letting my hair soak up the liquid. I didn't take too long since Till had to catch a shower as well, so I made sure everything was rinsed well, and I felt good enough to get out. I quickly dried off, and tightened the towel around me, shuffling over to the mirror, wiping it off with my wet hand. My eye trailed over to the bottle of concealer, twisting off the cap, and dabbing a bit on the top of my hand. The colour matched my skin perfectly, which gave me enough confidence to begin tapping it on top of my scar, strategically placing the dots on my face, where some of the colour was a darker hue of pink, and somehow my face started to look somewhat normal again, apart from the texture, and my clouded eye. Just before I blended in the colour, a knock interrupted me, almost like a warning. I could even tell it was Till's and not Gitta's. _I knew what he was here for._ He opened the door, seeing the dots of concealer scattered over my scar, a small look of disappointment in his eyes, and under his glare I could feel the judgement, making my stomach twist into knots. My eyes tore off of his as I screwed the cap back onto the bottle, dabbing the colour onto the textured skin, knowing that he would wipe it off anyway. _I just wanted to show him how...Normal I looked with it._ He leaned on the door frame, observing me as the scar disappeared from my cheek. I turned back to him, motioning to my face, out of frustration, drawing his attention to it, _something that I never do._ A stray tear, came out of the corner of my eye, the nervousness and panic overtaking me. Till stepped into the washroom and sighed, picking up one of the soft towels that was hung on the shower, his large hands squeezed it gently, checking to see if it wasn't too wet so he could use it. His towering figure loomed over me as he reached his hand out, his covered finger poking out with the towel protecting it. The soft material met my skin as he began to slowly take the makeup off bit by bit. Till could tell how mad I was, with my arms crossed over my chest, and my eyes looking down.

 "Amora...I know what you're thinking, and I know you're mad and frustrated that I'm doing this right now, but I've said this so many times...This is apart of you, and even if you think its a terrible flaw...I don't." I avoided his eyes "I find it beautiful." I felt my face grow hot. Hearing the word beautiful about something I hated, gave me chills the complete opposite of the way I was feeling. I raised my head, looking up at him, seeing that he was already looking down at me. The towel was caked with the concealer, as he placed it down onto the counter. His breathing was light, and shallow, while his eyes searched my face, trying to read my reaction. "Hiding it shows your insecurity, and you shouldn't be insecure about it, because it shows what you've been through. It shows that you're a fighter, and it shows that you didn't give up...Do you understand?" His sentence was coming from a place of caring, and he knew that he would have to talk me down from my anger, but there was something that he was holding back, and I could tell that he wanted to say more, but it was as if he decided in his mind not to continue. I couldn't reply, so I just stood there, looking up at him, waiting for him to continue but being disappointed when he moved to the side to leave. He stopped, and before exiting the washroom completely, he leaned down and planted a gentle kiss on the scar. My heart had jumped out of my chest, a feeling that I didn't remember could be felt. The feeling was foreign, even though my heart had done this before, there was something different about it this time. Till then left the washroom, warning me to be out soon or else he won't have time to get ready. Now I was left thinking about what it all meant, and I knew I would be thinking about it all night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOAHHH, I'm back, its been too long. Hello. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, even though it's been so long. Thank you all for keeping up with this story, I feel so sorry that it's been almost a year give or take, but this year has been crazy. Now that I have a lot of time on my hands though I have decided to continue my stories, and I hope you enjoyed this new update! Tell me what yall think about it if you want, I would love to see how I could improve since I'm a little rusty.


	14. Family Dinners, and Sleeplessness

I made my way to my room and closed the door behind me, placing my back against the cold, hard wooded door. The warmth of the room was relaxing, as I opened up my suitcase, searching through my pile of clothes, trying to find something that would be nice enough to wear to a family get together. Most of the items were hoodies, t-shirts, sweatpants or shorts, and the rare pair of skin tight jeans. For some reason I thought that nothing like this would be happening so I didn't pack accordingly, and that created a complication. I let out a loud huff, holding the towel against me, looking around the room, seeing if there was some sort of magical way to conjure up something fancy within the hour I had left to prepare myself. I stood there looking around the room, slipping on some underwear, deciding to go downstairs and ask Gitta if she may have anything laying around that I could borrow, even if her clothes might be big on me I would at least have something nice to wear. I knocked on the wall to make sure I didn't scare her when she turned around, immediately her eyes trailed down the towel then back up with her eyebrows raised.  
  
"If that's what you're wearing I think you'll definitely make an impression." She joked, causing my cheeks to turn a bright red "Do you need some clothes?" I glanced down at my towel and nodded, looking around for a spare paper and pen. I'm assuming Gitta saw my searching eyes and handed me a piece of burnt parchment paper and a pencil that she had behind her ear. _I don't have anything fancy...I'm hoping you have something._ She wiped her hands off and motioned for me to follow her, leading me back upstairs to her room which was the largest in the house, even though it didn't seem like it. It was cozy, yet cold at the same time, blackout curtains hung in front of the window, and the walls were painted a creamy white. Several family photos were scattered across the walls, most of them had Till front and center, some photos that had him in it looked unrecognizable. _He looked like he was content back then, even though I could still see how debilitatingly shy he was, the discomfort he had on his face, especially when he knew he was having a picture taken._ Gitta opened up her closet, sifting through the hangers of clothes, taking a few of them out to show me. She spun on her heel and placed the dresses onto her bed.  
  
"When you're done just put them back into my closet, okay?" I nodded, stepping towards the pile of dresses that Gitta had collected. A dark blue one caught my eye instantly, an array of dark sunflowers accented the fabric, with a small dip in the front of the dress. _Maybe if I try it on it won't be as plunging of a neckline that I think it has._ I slipped it off the hanger, and tied my hair up before undoing the strings that acted like a corset for the top half. My eyes scanned over the loose fabric, as I decided to take my towel off and put the dress over my body. The cool air attacked the droplets of water that slid down my back, a little shiver roving over my entirety. The strings tickled my back, as I gripped them and began drawing them tightly, the thin fabric caressing the top half of my body. It wasn't annoying, it was quite comfortable actually, the only thing that made me want to tear it off and just give up was the neckline, which almost framed this thick scar that trailed down the middle of my chest. I hadn't looked at these scars or given any attention to them in so long that I completely forgot about them, and just by acknowledging them it brought back so many memories that I couldn't stand to think about right now. My fingers traced the soft skin, and sighed, going back to tightening the strings until the dress fit my top half perfectly. The sleeves fell off my shoulders, staying on the sides of my arms and leaving my skin exposed. I pulled the bottom down, letting it fall just above my knees. I felt comfortable, and uncomfortable all at the same time, mostly for the sheer fact that there was so much skin that I was showing and I just didn't feel confident enough to do so... _But I wanted to look nice at the same time._ There was a knock on the door, and instantly it snapped me out of my judgmental state, turning my sight to the door, seeing Gitta stepping in to look at me. A large smile was plastered on her face, while she walked towards me.  
  
"Oh you look wonderful honey." She complimented, looking down at the dress, "It looks better on you than it did on me." She laughed, her eyes scanning over the fabric, then up to me "So do you like it?" _Now I really couldn't say I didn't like it, Gitta was just too nice and saying that I didn't want to wear it would be rude of me._ So I nodded, agreeing to the outfit that would possibly make me uncomfortable for the whole night. "Thank goodness cause it looks amazing, turn around so I could tighten the top up a bit more though." My back faced her as she undid the strings, then re-tightened them, creating a large bow in the back, that stood up nicely. My chest was small enough to let me wear this without being afraid that my breasts would be 'too exposed' so I felt somewhat secure.   
  
"There you go..." I smiled, letting my breath go, relaxing into the fabric. _This is going to be a long night._ _  
_  
  
I waited on the main level, looking out the window as a light snow fall occurred in front of my eyes, contrasting the darkness of the night that loomed over the house. Till was still getting ready, which left me sitting on the couch, twiddling with my notepad, realizing how many pages I had filled with my writing. I flipped back to the first page, remembering the conversation Till and I had about how fast I was able to read at the time. I was still battling my own demons about every situation that I've been through the past few weeks, but Till was always there, helping me through it, and somehow he was able to take care of me even at the worst points. Things felt like they were looking up for me, yet I still feared the future, and I knew it wouldn't stop. The booming footsteps echoed through the house as Till made his way down the stairs, carefully buttoning up a black dress shirt that made him look more muscular then he already was. He was so focused on the small buttons that his large fingers couldn't slip into the holes that he didn't even notice me, watching him. I made my way towards him, and pushed his hands off the glossy buttons, helping him out by doing them up myself. I avoided his eyes, finally reaching the last button, which stopped in the middle of his neck, as I swiped off a few specks of fluff. I didn't even think I was breathing at all during this time, while the both of us stood in front of each other, trying to not to make eye contact.  
  
"You..." I raised my eyes to his instantly, causing him to stop mid-sentence, as if he wasn't going to say what he was thinking. I could see the emotional turmoil that bubbled beneath the surface, while he took in a shaky breath before continuing "You look wonderful Amora." A small smile appeared on my face, immediately wanting to cover my face because of how bright red I was turning. I was just about to grab my notepad and write down a reply, but the door bell rang, indicating that people were starting to arrive. The moment broke and the both of us moved away from each other as Till answered the door, greeting them happily. The couple stepped in with a carry on that had a baby moving around in it, a small cry ringing through my ears. It was as if my motherly instincts that I never got to use exploded through me, as my heart melted into a puddle.   
  
"This is Amora, she's my plus one tonight." _Plus one?_ I could tell Till noticed my eyebrow raise as he avoided eye contact.  
  
"Amora, this is Annette, Thomas, and Mia." I smiled and walked towards them, instantly seeing their eyes widen at the sight of me. I held my hand out, and there was a bit of a delay in the hand shake, but it successfully happened. I gave them a small nod, trying to avoid looking at Mia, barely acknowledging her.   
  
"It's a pleasure to meet you Amora." Annette beamed, with a large smile on her face that looked a little forced, but I didn't mind.   
  
"Oh! Thomas, Annette! Hi!" Gitta yelled, motioning for them to come to the kitchen, leaving Till and I alone in the living room again. I pulled the notepad off of the table. _Plus one? Am I your...Date?_ I showed him the paper, smirking a little bit, watching small red patches appear on his cheeks.  
  
"Well I mean...I didn't want to be rude and say that you're just my band mates half-sister...So I might as well say you're my plus one." He admitted, scratching the back of his neck, trying to avoid my eyes, staring down at the ground. Another cry rang through my ears as Annette placed the carry on down, taking Mia out, holding the newborn against her, swaying back and forth to soothe her.   
  
"She's so wonderful." Gitta complimented, giving Mia a soft pat on the back.Till answered the door yet again, as he was attacked by a woman and a young girl, who looked to be around ten.   
  
"Daddy!" The girl exclaimed, as Till lifted her up, and hugged her tightly.   
  
"Hey big brother." The woman greeted, giving him a small side hug. Till smiled brightly, swaying back and forth with the young girl in his arms.   
  
"Ugh! I've missed you so much." He placed the girl onto the ground as he glanced over at me, seeing the look of shock on my face.   
  
"Saskia this is Amora...Amora this is my younger sister Saskia." The woman reached her hand out first, and gripped my hand tightly, a natural smile plastered on her bright red lips.   
  
"And this is Marie Louise...My daughter." He mumbled the last part a bit, looking down at the little girl who was very similar to him. Her eyes glimmered and glistened, as she looked up at me. I noticed that she was missing one of her front teeth, as she casually walked towards me with a wide smile, wrapping her arms around me, catching me completely off guard. Kids never really saw any flaw in people, that only happens when they are exposed to other people that end up imposing on their views and shape their judgments. I gave her a small pat on the back as she backed up and grabbed my hand pulling me towards the kitchen.  
  
"Grandma!" She exclaimed, running towards Gitta, jumping up into her arms.   
  
"Hey honey bun." Gitta commented, kissing her on the cheek. Marie's giggling rang through my ears, as she was placed back down on the ground, she said hello to Thomas and Annette as well as Mia. I was so focused on her that I didn't even notice that Till was hovering beside me, until I glanced over my shoulder and saw him leaning on the frame of the kitchen entrance.   
  
  
  
Once everyone had arrived it was complete and utter chaos  The house wasn't big enough to fit everyone but somehow everyone managed to navigate around each other without any accidental run ins or anything. Gitta had announced the food was ready, which meant that everyone grabbed their plates and lined up to grab the things that they wanted to eat. People didn't really attempt to make conversation with me, but Till had definitely made it clear that I didn't really speak, and that I wasn't ignoring them, I was just...Mute. They didn't really mind my presence even though I knew that when I wasn't looking they were staring at me, and whispering about me as well. I grabbed my vegetables and some bread, as well as some potatoes and made my way back to my seat, which was placed in front of Till, making awkward eye contact unavoidable. Everyone was wrapped up in their conversations, catching up with each other as both Till and I listened. Marie Louise glanced over at me then to Till as she began talking to him about school.  
  
"I had a flute solo in the Christmas concert last week. Mommy recorded it and she said that she'll give it to you when you visit next." He smiled.  
  
"Oh that's great Mar...I'm so proud of you." She smiled, poking one of the potatoes that was on her plate, nibbling on it slowly. Saskia glanced over at me.  
  
"I completely forgot to ask how you two know each other." She commented, motioning to Till and I with her fork, picking up a piece of turkey which was drenched in a dark, thick gravy. Till looked over at me then to her and shrugged.  
  
"This is Oliver's half sister, she came to live with us at the studio for a little while until she sorts everything out, and so I invited her to come here for Christmas and New Years." She smirked, glancing back down at her food, before leaning over and whispering something to Till, which made his face turn a tomato red. He mumbled 'shush' under his breath as he went back to eating his food, tuning back into the conversations that were going on around us.  
  
After dinner I helped Gitta clean the dishes, since I didn't have anyone to catch up with it didn't really matter if I was cleaning in the kitchen. I dipped one of the plates in the warm soapy water, as Gitta moved around me, drying the large pan that she cooked the turkey in.   
  
"Do you like the family so far?" She asked, with curiosity laced in her voice. I rinsed off the soap, and placed it in the dish rack, nodding, "That's great...I'm glad." The baby started crying loudly, causing everyone to leap up, wanting to hold Mia to calm her down. I faced the sink again, finishing up the last batch of dishes before making my way to the living room to join the rest of the relatives, taking a seat on the couch, beside Annette, since it was the only open seat. She held her with such gentleness, and from the corner of my eye I could see the peaceful state that she was in with her tiny fingers balled up into small fists. My heart pounded in my throat, as she looked over at me, noticing that I was looking at Mia.  
  
"You want to hold her?" She asked gently in a soft whisper, holding her up a little towards me. I exchanged glances with her, as if I was asking if she was sure. "Yeah come on...Hold her, she's good with people. I also need to go to the washroom anyways." I reached out, feeling the warm bundle being put into my arms, my heart beating out of my chest, in nervousness. My arms were secured around her, as I sat back, letting my back rest on the couch. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her, the little nose, the small lips, the puffy cheeks, it all put me in a trance. Tears formed in my eyes, and my breath caught in my throat, reaching up to touch her little nose, which caused her to squirm slightly. I let out a silent laugh, growing more comfortable while holding her. So many potential memories flooded my mind, the things I could've done with my own child, how I would've raised her, how I would've protected her. My stomach turned, as I heard Annette returning to her spot. I handed Mia back to her, and smiled, hoping that me getting up wasn't a rude gesture. I just needed air. I grabbed my notepad and pen, and stepped out of the house with a sweater draped over my shoulders. The cool winter air was refreshing to me, and it gave me a break from the claustrophobic atmosphere that made me feel like I was being suffocated. I leaned on the wall taking in a deep breath, trying to bring myself down from all my emotions. I took in a deep breath, and sighed, holding myself in my own arms.   
  
  
By eleven thirty everyone had left the house, Saskia and Marie Louise were the last ones to leave.  
  
"It's gonna be a long drive so we better get going. You know how Anja gets when I don't have her home on time." Saskia mentioned, motioning to a sleeping Marie "It'll be an easy ride though." She added, a small smile appearing on her cheeks. She shuffled over to me, giving me a gentle side hug. "Come visit soon okay?" I nodded, as she pulled away, shifting Marie Louise on her hip, her head lulling to the side, a soft snore escaping her lips. Till gave Marie a small kiss on her forehead and sighed.  
  
"We'll make sure to come back soon." _We'll...It was so...Weird to hear him say that._ Saskia gave one last wave before exiting the house, and closing the door behind her. The house grew dark all of the sudden, the only thing lighting it being the fire place and the bright white lights on the tiny Christmas tree that Gitta had purchased. Till reached out his hand, the loud click of the front door locking echoing through the house. I made my way past him with my notepad and pen, going up to the top level of the house. All this emotional stress made me want to be alone and think, _I haven't been this social in a while._ I got into my room, closing the door behind me as I undid the bow on the back of the dress, moving around a bit to loosen it up, before letting it fall to the floor. I found a hanger and slid the shoulders onto the plastic, hanging it up in the spare closet, before slipping a spare t-shirt on, taking the thick covers off the bed. I fixed my pillow, laying down on the mattress, facing away from the door to look out the window, the thin curtains allowing me to observe the heavy snowfall. It wasn't long before I heard the door creek open, the floor cracking beneath the persons feet. I reached down, pulling the covers over me, the all too familiar sound of shuffling made its way towards me, as the bed shifted heavily, the duvet being pulled up briefly. Till's arm slid under my head, while the other one snaked its way around my waist, gently bringing me towards him so my back was pressed up against his chest. I reached out for my notepad _Why didn't you tell me about Marie Louise?_ I turned slightly to show him page, his arm tensed around me, shifting in his spot.  
  
"I...I didn't think she would be coming tonight, I was as shocked as you." He admitted, _Why didn't you think she would be coming?_ I showed him the notepad, as he placed his forehead on the back of my neck.   
  
"I had missed things that she wanted me to be present for...I guess I thought she would be mad at me and wouldn't want to see me." He explained. I didn't write anything down, letting what he said sink in. _He had probably missed most of her childhood._ I could feel his chest rising and falling with each breath he took, right against my back as his hot breath hit the back of my neck.  
  
"Are you okay?" I knew he was going to ask me. _'Why do you ask?'_ He sighed.  
  
"Because I saw you on the brink of tears when you were holding Mia...And I know how nervous you were in general." His voice vibrated through me basically. _'I'm okay...'_ I weakly showed him my writing, placing the notepad back onto the mattress.   
  
"I saw the pain Amora, you're not good at hiding this type of stuff from me." He commented, a stray tear running down my cheek as I thought about the moment I was holding Mia, and all the thoughts that were running through my mind. When I didn't write anything he decided to continue, "It's okay to let it out Amora. I know you're still going through the motions of trying to cope with this, and it'll be a while until you're truly okay. If you need to cry...Cry, I'm here." He whispered, curling the arm that was under my head, so his hand rested on my shoulder. I turned over, so I was now facing him. _I didn't feel like feeling pain anymore, and I didn't want to be weak, but the more I dawned on things the more I was realizing how I wasn't even close to being okay._ His eyes looked sad, as I sniffled, holding back my emotions. I reached up, caressing his smooth, indented cheek, with the tips of my fingers, causing him to shiver against it, his skin heating up beneath my touch. He wrapped his hand around my wrist, and moved it between us his large hands holding my small ones, as we both looked at each other. I was thinking about everything we had been through together, trying to make my mind up about what I was going to do about all these feelings that were bubbling inside of me. While I thought about it, trying to draw any other conclusion apart from the one I knew for sure, I felt Till's soft lips touch my temple, his thumb running over my knuckles.  
  
"Good Night Amora." He whispered, closing his eyes, leaving me to think about what I could do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, new chapter. Tell me what you guys think about this new chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it. :) :) :)


	15. New Years

 Christmas came and went, and New Years Eve came quickly. The sleepless nights, some spent alone, and some spent with Till, took up most of my time, in addition to writing down my thoughts to help sort myself out. It didn't truly help as much as I thought it would, but it did give me some time to reflect on my feelings and what I wanted to do with those feelings. I felt inclined to share my feelings and express them to Till, hoping that the signs that I had been given from him and his mother weren't just lies. I liked him, and it was definitely more romantically than anything, maybe I was misunderstanding my own thoughts, and I just wanted to be really close friends with him, but it didn't explain why I felt the way I did when he was close to me, or when he kissed my cheek after he wiped off my foundation. The only time I had felt this way was with Warren, and that only made me worry more, because if I did get Till, I would be so paranoid about losing him that all the process that I did make wouldn't even pay off cause I would just be worrying all the time. I think I just had to sit on my thoughts for just a little longer, and wait until the right moment...But there may never be a right moment. 

 I raised from my deserted bed, stretching myself out before slipping out from beneath the covers, finding a pair of sweatpants in my suitcase, pulling them over my underwear to cover myself up before making my way down to the main level, holding my notepad and pen in hand. Gitta sat at the dining room table, reading the recent newspaper that was reflecting back on the events that had happened this year, drinking a cup of coffee. The floor creaked, drawing her attention to me, a wide smile on her face. 

 "Good Morning. How are you feeling on the last day of 2003?" She asked happily, as I made my way over to her, taking up the seat beside her, taking the cap off the pen. 'I'm feeling alright I guess. Although I've never been so happy that this year is over. I wish it could take memories away too...' I showed her the notepad and looked away from her eyes. 

 "I know sweetheart. It's been a rough year, let's just hope 2004 will be better right?" I nodded, hearing her get up from her seat, "Let me grab you a cup of coffee and we can have a little chit chat." It wasn't an offer, it was more of a statement. My eyes watched her leave the dining room, soon returning with a white mug, on a tray that had cream, sugar and a few cookies. She placed it down onto the table, as I leaned forward, pouring a generous amount of cream into the cup, and adding two spoonfuls of sugar, giving it a little stir before lifting the rim of the cup to my lips, the steaming liquid trailing down my throat, warming me up from the inside out. 

 "How are you and Till doing?" I knew she was going to ask, I didn't know how to reply, we were normal when we were around each other, but I could feel like we were getting closer physically, he was expressing more of his feelings but I could just be absorbing the wrong signals. 'We're alright...' She looked at the notepad, her eyebrows arched in a suspicious glare. 

 "You saying 'we're alright' only makes me a little concerned...I have seen the way you two act around each other, and I know that he sneaks into your room sometimes to sleep in the same bed as you. My son is shy, and he's always been like that since he was a child, I know he won't be the first one to say anything about his feelings, and I also know you've been through a fairly rough year, but do you not see what I see blooming between the both of you?" I glanced over at her, my face flushing a deep red, taking another sip of the sweet coffee. 'I do Gitta...But I can't go through with it...The pressure of telling him is just too much.' I slid the notepad over to her, holding the mug in my hands. 

 "I'm going to tell you a story...If that's okay?" I nodded at her, sitting back in my chair, bringing my knees up to my chest. She did the same, and sighed. "My ex-husband Werner, and I divorced a while before he died. When I wanted to see Till I would have to go to the house and see him at the same time. It was a mutual divorce, mostly because we had different views on where we wanted our lives to go. One day when I did go over, Till wasn't there, he was gone, so to me I visited the house for no reason. Werner was there though, so I decided to catch up with him." She paused to take a sip of her coffee, taking her eyes off of me, to look down into the mug of coffee "That day he told me he was diagnosed with stomach cancer, and I had so many thoughts running through my mind, I wanted to say so much, but I decided not to, because I would have time, and right now wasn't the right time to talk about it. So...I left it." She took in a deep breath, "Of course the next time I had a chance to see him, what I said didn't matter, because it was too late." I nodded, as she turned her eyes back up to meet mine, "Do you understand how this pertains to your situation with Till?" I nodded, 'If I don't say anything there might not be an actual moment to do so before it's too late, right?' Her eyes scanned over the paper.

 "Yes...That's exactly what I'm trying to say. I'm not trying to push you into saying something to him, but I just want you to think about it. I know he must have feelings for you, because I haven't seen him act this way towards a woman like this before...He also cares about you so much, and wants you to be okay...And you deserve someone like that." I bit my lip, thinking about the situation at hand. 'I need some more time to think about it, but thank you for sharing your story with me Gitta...' She gave me a bittersweet smile.

 "Of course, it's hard to make a decision, so take your time. I'll be going out to a New Years Eve get together by the way, so I hope you guys have made some plans or something, cause I won't be home to cook." She joked, getting up from her seat, shuffling over to the kitchen to wash up, leaving me in solitude to think about what she said. 

 

* * *

 

 Gitta left at around eight thirty, which left Till and I alone. We decided to turn on the fireplace and tune into the TV where people were reflecting back on the memories that they had made that year, and how they hope that 2004 would be as amazing as this year was. It made me jealous, but somehow I enjoyed hearing the happiness in peoples voices when they were talking about vacations that they took during the summer, or just how happy they were about living in general. They were blessed that they were still alive and existing, and even though they did have rough patches they mentioned them like they were gliding over smooth ice, they brushed over it like they had come to terms with whatever happened to them. We didn't really dress up for the occasion either, I felt that New Years didn't call for a huge celebration, so we just stayed in our semi normal attire, and sat around watching the television. Till had been sitting on the opposite side of the couch, but we weren't even close to touching, there was a sort of distant feeling between the both of us, and it was definitely because of our unsaid feelings causing a strain on what we had developed for so long. My notepad laid in front of me, and my eyes stayed glued to the clock, seeing the minutes going by so slowly that it felt like it would take months for it to reach midnight. I picked up my pen from the coffee table in front of us. 'Do you want to go out or something? Is there a look out where we can see any of the fireworks or anything?' I glanced over at Till, seeing his head lulling to the side, as he struggled to keep his eyes open. I threw the notepad at him, which immediately woke him up. He looked down at the sheets of paper and paused to think.

 "I have a place in mind...I hope its still there at least. Let's go check it out though...I need some air." He explained, stretching his long arms out, cracking his back, before getting off the couch, with me following close behind. We suited up, pulling on our thick winter jackets, zipping them up all the way, since there was some light flurries going on outside. The both of us left the house, making sure to turn off all the lights and to lock the door so the new year didn't start off with a break in. Then we were on our way. 

 The drive took only twenty minutes, which brought the time to around eleven thirty, leaving us with thirty minutes left of 2003. The lookout had a similar set up to a lovers lane only it was completely deserted, and it seemed like even during summer it looked like this. Till turned the headlights of the car off, and sighed, the both of us leaning back in the faux leather seats. Soft music played in the background while the city was booming, wide awake to welcome the new year, I decided to go outside and take a seat on the hood of the car to cool off. I crossed my legs, feeling the snowflakes melting on the top of my head, soaking into my hair. The cool air filled my lungs, hearing Till get out of the car as well, leaving the door open so we could listen to the music. He leaned his backside onto the car, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket.

 "I used to come up here every New Years Eve just so I could start a new year off by myself...This was before Rammstein of course." He started, I lifted my eyes to look into his "No matter how cold it was, I would drag myself up here, and just sit, when I was able to afford a little stereo I would tune into the radio station that we're listening to right now, just to hear them say happy new year, and do the count down by myself." He seemed so lonely before Rammstein...I took out my notepad out of my jacket pocket, shielding it from the fat snowflakes that were melting on anything they adhered to. I decided not to write anything down. "I never brought anyone up here..." He whispered under his breath. My palms began to sweat, and through the bitter cold I felt my skin warm up. We both looked out onto the busy city, that was bustling in celebration. The radio host came on the speakers.

 "We are on our ten minute mark, ten minutes to 2004 everybody." He announced, putting on another song that was unfamiliar to me. The snowflakes flew by me, melting against the side of my cheek, absorbing into my skin. After two more songs the radio host returned back onto the show, clearing his throat "And we're back, and we have the special new year counter in the room. We have one minute left to the New Year! Has everyone had a memorable one?" I avoided Tills eyes, staring out into the city. The countdown began, and my heart began racing, making a little wish that this year would be different. Till stayed quiet the entire time, the both of us listening to the mans deep voice counting down from ten.

 "Nine. Eight. Seven. Six..." I felt my ears tune out, my eyes focusing with all their might on the city. "Two. One. HAPPY NEW YEAR!" The announcer yelled, from all the bright lights of the town that we were looking down upon, as a loud pop exploded into the air, shimmering out in the dark night sky, a sizzling effect echoing through the atmosphere. I leaned back onto the hood, my body propped up against the windshield, the green white and red fireworks filling the sky. 

 "And like every year, I play one nice slow song for all those couples out there so you can have your first moment of 2004 with that special someone, wink wink nudge nudge. This is Percy Sledges 'When A Man Loves a Woman'...Enjoy, and happy new year everybody." The bass and cymbal chimed in, fading onto the radio. I closed my eyes, contemplating whether or not the thought that came into my mind was good or not. In all honesty, there was no harm in trying to do something to show him my feelings. I mean the radio host basically said "have your first moment of 2004 with that special someone," which took care of the hard part at least. I clenched my fists, letting out a huff of frustration before sliding off the hood of the car and stepping in front of Till, the fireworks still blowing up in the background. I held my bare hand out to him, offering it hesitantly. Almost in an instant, I felt his calloused skin wrap around it. Sledge's voice crooned in the background, as I pulled him off the hood of the car, hearing him lightly laugh, staring down at me. The both of us stood against each other, jackets rubbing together as his muscular arms snaked their way around my waist. My hands found their way up to his neck, resting them on his stubbly skin, we tried to avoid eye contact, but to no avail. I flashed him a small smile, moving to the side, in sync with his clumsy movements. We exchanged awkward laughter, as we got used to our specific techniques, swaying back and forth slowly, the sound of our jackets rubbing against one another. It was as if our eyes were in a deadlock, searching each other's faces for some sort of given, or sign. His hand slid across my back, now resting on my hip, as the song was inching towards a close; trumpets joining Percy's aggressive crooning. I felt Till beginning to lean down, hesitating, I could tell he was nervous, just by the shaking of his hand that rested on my side, and I knew in the back of my mind that I had to meet him halfway. _Just so he would know that this isn't one-sided._ I brought him closer, propping myself up on my tiptoes. We were so close that I could feel his shallow breaths touching my lips, fading along my cheeks. One last look was given to each other, and it was as if we both saw the exact same thing, glimmering behind them. It was so inexplicable that I couldn't even describe what it was. I shifted forward, pressing my lips against his, a warm feeling bubbling up in my stomach, as Till took in a sharp breath, tightening his arm around me. I slid my hands up his cheeks, holding them lightly. My heart was racing and my palms were sweating, drenched in nervousness. I could feel the control being given to him, as he leaned in a little more, before pulling back slightly, his lips leaving mine so we could catch our breath. His eyes were still closed, but mine were open. 

 "I-I'm...Sorry." He whispered under his breath. I bit my bottom lip, giving him a light kiss, indicating that it was okay. He finally opened his eyes, the snow reflecting off his ice blue pupils.

 "Amora...I like you." He admitted, watching my face turn a bright red, as I decided to rest my face in his neck.

 "I like you too." I replied, barely audible, almost in a soft, light, unnoticeable whisper. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...Hope this wasn't too bad, what did you guys think? I'm glad that I've decided to continue this story, and I'm so happy with all the support I've been getting, so thank you guys so much. :) <3

**Author's Note:**

> New story. I know I have a lot of them, but I have so many ideas that I just can't contain them. Hope you guys enjoy. :) <3


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